Lost Lake
by Tabitha craft
Summary: This story takes the situation of the character JJ plays in One Week and puts it into a DC scenario. Pacey has cancer so he buys a bike and heads west. When he comes off his bike Joey finds him. New chapter coming very soon! Please review - they create motivation:-)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

I knew the news was bad the moment I stepped into the Doctor Green's office. The look on his face, his fingers threaded together in front of him, the air of regret that seeped from him like bad smelling cologne. I'm dying. My life hangs in the balance. Without treatment I will die and with treatment I will probably still die. Not knowing how to tell anyone, I left the office and proceeded to walk around. Dr Green told me to skip the rest of my shift and to take some time, go hang with my family and friends. He's a good guy, good to work with, but all I feel like doing right now is crawling under a rock. I would have felt sorry for the guy - it's no secret he likes me and telling me the news can't of been easy - but the truth is I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. In fact he looked downright distressed. Anyway, I begin to walk around, heading off hospital grounds where I might meet someone I know. Such a cliche but what's a fun loving guy like me supposed to do? Tell the father that won't care, well maybe he'll care - that's a little harsh, but he won't care much. I could tell my mom, but where would that get me? She'd be tired, tired of the news the minute it was received. The obvious candidate is Andie. Why wouldn't I tell Andie? Except for the fact that I finally grew tired of her manipulation, of her ill disguised cheating, her faux pep and broke off our relationship. That of course leaves my brother and sisters. Why don't I tell them? I guess it just blows to tell people you love that you're messing up their lives by fucking dying. So I do the mature thing and walk around a bit, in denial and all, before buying some motorbike on a total whim, heading back to my half empty apartment and packing a bag, my small tent, sleeping bag and roll mat, and heading west. Isn't that the appropriate response of any twenty seven year old man who's told he's dying?

* * *

The roads are pretty windy to begin, but they straighten out somewhere after Pittsburgh so I move off the main highways and start to take the roads less travelled. I spend the night anywhere that takes my fancy. Sometimes a fancy hotel, a motel, or I camp - in my tent if I'm inclined to pitch it, but more often than not under the stars with the mosquito's, black flies and crickets for company. I'm pretty thankful for my iPhone and it's patchy reception because I do get lost. Taking the small roads will do that to a person. I'm struck by a lot as I travel, most of all my own mortality. I am lonely. I can go days without conversation, but I revel in my aloneness, in my macabre thoughts, in dwelling on my inevitable demise be it from the cancer in my blood, or old age, or being thrown from my bike. I find twisted humour in my thoughts, in my darkest moments I hope Andie will be sorry when I'm gone, but in the moments when I remind me of myself, I'm usually just filled with sorrow that the life I love will soon be gone. It's all a bit too much and it takes many days, many photographs, many towns and homesteads before the tears eventually come. I'm on a small windy road in Colorado, heading, yet again on a whim, towards the town Jack, my best buddy from med school, lives and doctors in. I saw the name from the highway and off I went. It is quite simply beautiful, with kt's rugged mountains, twisty roads and beautiful river. I'm not expecting it but suddenly I start to cry, embarrassing loud sobs, sobs that wrack my body and make my heart hurt. I realize I've lost control when the bike wobbles, and I have a moment of utter sorrow before the world goes black.

* * *

When I wake up my head hurts. In fact it is pounding ferociously and I feel a little sick. It takes me a few moments to remember what happened, but eventually I regain the memory of my pity fest, my loud sobs and my eventual fall from my bike in a place beautiful enough to resemble heaven on earth. I'm a total sucker for mountains, rivers and lakes, isolation in all it's glory, and the place where I fell had everything, even Jack nearby if my memory is to be believed. I guess that if I have to die, dying somewhere like that is preferable to a hospital bed. I imagine it will be a hospital bed though.

I am not in a hospital bed but I am in a bed. The room is dark, though I can sense sun behind the drawn Venetian blind. The room is white and the bed is wooden. A nice oak bed which is big and made up with white linen that smells freshly laundered. The bed is comfortable with a firm mattress, and the covers are bouncy and just the right thickness for the cool of the room. The bed, is in fact perfect. Though the room is as white as the sheets it's not cold. A big mirror with a metal frame adorns one wall. I'm not an expert but it looks like a piece of art, the metal forming something of a foliage border, making it resemble the close branches in a forest of deciduous trees. There is a plain white dresser but the knobs on the drawers are made out of glass, each one a unique rainbow. There is a chunk of wood on top, beautiful and intricate in a manner that only nature is a true master of. From the ceiling hangs a mobile of rainbow pieces, glass in all sorts of colours, whilst an oak rocking chair sits in the corner with a patchwork quilt on it, again beautiful in it's bright rainbow colours, the design warming to my soul. I love the room at once. Everything about it, the details increasing as I look, a natural rug on the floor, a fireplace made from large wooden beams, an old metal jug with fresh flowers in the hearth. It looks almost too perfect, except it isn't. An old dressing gown hangs on the hook on the back of the door, and there's an old mug on the dresser, that looks like it was recently discarded as steam is rising from it. I think about getting out of bed, but before I can muster any true inclination the door opens and a girl appears. At her appearance I consider I may actually be dead because she resembles a goddess in some unearthly way. If her room is beautiful, she is many times more stunning. Her dark hair is swept into a messy bun and she's wearing leggings and a tank top, nothing fancy, but it shows off her slim body and her long legs perfectly. Her skin is tanned dark though it's only spring and it looks as smooth as silk. Her eyes are impossibly large, with long lashes, and though I can't see the colour properly, I think they are hazel.

'You're awake,' she states in a sweet, melodious voice. She sounds relieved. 'I thought that maybe I should take you to the hospital but it's several hours away. I called the doctor from the road and he said to bring you back here. He should be here soon, though he told me how to check your vitals and we decided you were probably just knocked unconscious,' she bites her bottom lip and it's adorable, and unbelievably sexy.

'You found me?' I croak and she springs across the room. I notice she has a glass of water in her hand and she holds it out. I hold it and take a long drink. 'Thanks.'

'I found you about a mile down the road. I was on my way back from town. I considered driving you there but here is nearer.'

'Thanks I guess.'

'You guess?' Her eyes widen and she looks taken aback. I can't help but smile because again, she looks divine.

'Yeah, I mean for not just dumping me in town. For bringing home a strange man,' I frown, 'You didn't want to just dump me in town?'

'Well town is a good hour away and I know enough first aid to know you weren't badly injured,' she sounds defensive. 'I put you into recovery and you came round. We had a conversation about heaven. Doc and I believe it's a concussion but he'll be here soon to check. He set out immediately. He suggested I bring you here,' she reiterates this.

'Thank you, really,' I say with utter sincerity, 'I am truly thankful.' She seems to relax a little but is still slightly ill at ease.

'Your bike ended up in the river. I'll get it for you after the doctors been. It looked a little smashed.'

'Oh,' I don't really know what to say. I'm in the middle of nowhere but it's beautiful. The room I'm in is beautiful. The strange girl who found me is beyond beautiful. I can't find it in me to care about my bike.

'You feel ok?' she presses her palm to my forehead. It's cool and soft. I want her to leave it there forever but she pulls it away, and takes my wrist, looking at her watch to take my pulse. 'You think you're going to be sick?'

'I'm ok. My head hurts like a bitch, and I feel a little sick, but no I don't think I'll be sick. It's probably just a concussion.'

'I'll get you a bowl in case,' she says and moves across the room, the door hanging open in her wake. I get a glimpse of wooden floors, a beautiful oak kitchen, a small couch and in the distance a small round table with an eclectic mix of chairs around is and another bunch of fresh flowers. She's back in moments with a metal bowl which she places on the stool beside the bed.

'Thanks, I'll aim well,' I say and she smiles, a more genuine smile that makes her whole face light up.

'Hopefully you'll aim for the bowl better than you aim for the road. It looked like you rode right off the edge,' she's teasing but there's a hint of a question.

'I'm pretty sure I did,' I admit deciding that there is no point to secrets with this girl. Whomever she is, this meeting is inevitably fleeting. A small frown appears between her perfectly arched brows.

'You drove off on purpose?' She asks, but she doesn't seem to quite believe it which I appreciate. A chuckle escapes me,

'No, not on purpose,' I say, 'I kind of had a moment,' I admit.

'A moment?' she sits in the end of the bed, her hand absentmindedly landing on my leg. It feels insanely intimate, though I know she doesn't even realize. She's staring at me intently and those eyes are staring into mine. It makes my heart hammer something crazy. They are hazel, but less green and more grey. I could drown in those eyes, whatever that really means. I think it means that I could spend a lifetime looking into them.

'I'm dying,' I admit it, saying the words out loud for the first time since hearing the news. The words get sort of trapped in my throat, even admitting it to this girl, this stranger. She stares at me for a long time, so long that I speak more, 'I have cancer,' I add, but she just continues to stare at me, her eyes soft.

'As far as I can tell,' she says at length, 'you're doing more living than dying just now,' she leans forward unexpectedly and puts a hand on my cheek but says no more. Her words touch me somewhere deep inside and I'm not even sure why. I guess I've been so worried about sharing my news with anyone, especially those close to me, in part because I felt certain it would change how they see me, that they won't see me as jovial, happy go lucky Pacey any more, but will only see me as the disease. This girl seems to see through all that fear and get to the crux of it - I'm living, not dying. In fact I'll be living until I'm dead.

'I'm Pacey,' I say with a smile and she smiles back. I put my hand on top of hers and we shake hands.

'I'm Joey,' she says taking her hand back.

'Is this beautiful place yours?' I ask, because she seems to young to live in a place like this, especially without any parents.

'Yes,' she nods.

'I love every single thing about it,' I say sincerely and she smiles brightly. She is utterly divine and I realize I'm well on my way to smitten.

'It's exactly as I want it,' she says.

'Where is it?' I ask and she laughs softly.

'In the middle of nowhere. The nearest town is an hour away and it's a pretty small town - diner, store, gas station, doctor, dentist and a few hundred residents.'

'You grow up here?' I ask and she nods, a slight bob of her head.

'In town,' she clarifies.

'So your family are here?' I ask and she tilts her head to one side smirking slightly.

'Where are you from?' She asks instead of answering.

'Massachusetts. I was raised in a suburb of Boston called Capeside.'

'You still live there?' She asks.

'Well no, in Boston ...until I got the cancer news that is. I acted really mature with that news.'

'You bought a bike and headed west?' she smirks again with an arched brow.

'I bought a bike and headed west,' I laugh and so does she.

'What did you do in Boston? You go to college?'

'I'm a little older than college actually. I'm a doctor in the hospital - I generally work with cancer patients,' I frown with a hint of a smile and she smiles back.

'No wonder you kept self diagnosing a concussion yesterday. You weren't very professional though, you kept putting my hand on your heart.'

'A little scared of my own mortality at present,' I admit and she smiles.

'You always want to be a doctor?'

'No,' I smile, 'I actually wanted to be a chef. I love to cook, but my girlfriend at the time was a little pushy and I ended up in med school. I love being a doctor so I guess it's good. I still cook whenever I can.'

'You do,' she seems oddly thrilled. Usually girls are more thrilled by the doctor thing. 'And you're a good cook?' she asks and I nod. She smiles. 'Maybe you can cook me a meal before you head off,' she suggests and I love the idea of doing anything for her, 'I loathe to cook, mainly because I am just terrible at it, so I pretty much live off salad and veggies boiled to within an inch of their lives. I can grow stuff but I seem incapable of making it into anything tasty.'

'I would absolutely love to cook for you,' I say sincerely.

'I'll hold you to that,' she says and moves to the window when she hears an engine. She peers through the Venetian blind and looks at me, 'docs here,' she says with a smile and heads out of the room. I am instantly disappointed that the doctor is going to intrude in our time together, because once that doc says I'm fine, well I have to go. I hear voices. Joey is talking to the doctor. They are in fact laughing, and the conversation sounds like they are familiar with one another as more than doctor and patient. In fact the doctor sounds familiar, especially as I only saw him a few weeks ago when he was in Boston on a conference. He enters the room with a bag in one hand and an arm slung across Joey's shoulder.

'Jack this is Pacey. Pacey this is Doctor Jack McPhee.'

'Pace,' Jack practically screeches.

'Jackers,' I say, unable to bite back the huge grin that adorns my face. There's a reason Jack is my best friend.

'What the hell Pace. You stupid man - a motorbike?' He nudges my shoulder with his fist.

'A moment of insanity,' I say and Jack grins.

'At least Jo found you,' he says.

'You guys know each other?' Joey asks from the doorway, a faint smile.

'This is my best friend Pacey, the guy I talk about all the time,' Jack looks over his shoulder at her.

'Of course. I should have put it together, I guess I was focused on the whole thrown from his bike thing. The infamous Pacey,' she smiles at me.

'So good to see you man, but lets get the doctor stuff out the way.' Jack says as a Joey leaves the room. 'How you feeling?'

'I've got a killer headache and I'm a little nauseous, but it's not so bad.'

'So you came off this bike of yours?' he asks and I want to roll my eyes because he's so Jack, but he needs to check me over properly. He's here professionally right now and it must be weird to see your best friend when you were expecting a total stranger.

'Yeah.'

'Helmet?' He asks and I nod.

'Joey said you landed in the grass but seemed to have hit your head?'

'I guess.'

'Nothing else hurts?'

'No,' I say mentally assessing myself.

'Do you know what caused the crash?' he asks sitting on the bed where Joey sat.

'I got a little...emotional,' I admit and to his credit Jack waits for me to continue. I decide that I will share the news with him. I don't think Joey would tell him but this is Jack. If there's anyone I could imagine telling it was Jack. 'I was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks back,' I say and give him the awful details. He nods but seems not to be judging, though his eyes look a little glassy. When he takes my hand I don't anything about it. It's nice to have this moment of comfort.

'You having any treatment? Had any?' he asks releasing my hand and looking at me closely.

'No,' I admit and he nods, again with a neutral expression. I'm waiting for the lecture but it never comes. Probably why I love Jack.

'I'll do some blood work if you want?'

'No lecture?' I ask and he managed to smile,

'I don't think you need a lecture,' he says rather simply. 'It is, quite simply, your life! And you know everything I would say in a lecture. We were in classes together. We did it all together. You don't need a lecture.'

'Thanks,' I say and he smiles at me. I mean the thanks. It is good to see Jack. Suddenly the news feels almost bearable.

'Ok, let's check you over and you can think on whether you want the bloods done or not.'

'Would you recommend it?'

'You know I would. But then again you know I'm an err on the side of caution kind of doctor.'

'I don't know when I'm leaving.'

'I'd rather you stay here for a few days obviously. I would say come and stay with me in town but I'm not as well set up as Joey. I'll speak to her but she'll be more than happy for you to stay.'

'A few days?' I ask and he smiles again,

'Lets say five days. That's enough time for you to recover from what looks to be a concussion, and for me to do some blood work. Besides which - Joey's pretty cool and we can hang out.'

'Didn't you date a girl in high school? Was it Joey?' I ask and he begins to laugh.

'Yeah actually - for about five minutes just after high school actually, before I admitted I'm gay,' he laughs and I find myself grinning. She was the girl who was so cool to him when he came out. My insane delight over all these things is ridiculous because of course Joey is a stranger, I am in her house because I came off my bike, and I came off my bike because I have cancer. I have a fucked up brain sometimes, but at the moment that brain is saturated by this girl who I met an hour ago. I consider myself vulnerable.

'She really wont mind?' I ask and Jack chuckles,

'Naw, and she could do with the company. We catch up a couple of times a week but she's alone a lot,' he shrugs but doesn't say more, just pulls out a syringe and wraps a tourniquet around the top of my arm. 'Joey could do with some of your cooking.'

'Yeah,' I say catching his eyes and he gives me a knowing look. Apparently it's obvious I think his friend is gorgeous.

'Call me tomorrow and I'll bring some ingredients over. Have a nose in her cupboards but there's nothing there except what I put in there, which is basic at best. I'm coming over tomorrow night with Jen, a friend of ours, so I can bring stuff and maybe we can have a decent meal for once.'

'Sounds good,' I attempt a smile, but Jack's taking the blood to check on my cancer. I don't really feel like smiling.

'Maybe you could give Jo a lesson or two. She could do with a few pointers,' he smiles again, the same open smile he entered the room with, the one that made us instant friends.

'She said she doesn't like to cook,' I say.

'No,' he shakes his head and laughs, 'she used to love cooking but somehow she's terrible at it. Just awful. She got dispirited. I don't actually know how someone can make nice ingredients taste so bad.'

'Some people just seem to do that. In all honesty I don't know how I manage to make things taste so good.' He laughs and in my head he merges from Dr McPhee to Jack, my college buddy and back and forth in rapid suggestion. It occurs to me that Dougy would fall in love with Jack in moments and I wonder why I never introduced them. Or at least, I feel Dougy would be as heart slammingly taken with him as I am with his brown haired friend,

'You rest Pacey, the bathroom is off the hall. Try and stay in bed other than that. Get a good nights sleep and call me in the morning,' he pats my shoulder.

'Ok,' I nod, 'and thanks.'

'Any time,' he grins and moves to the door. 'All done Jo,' he shouts and I'm once again stupidly jealous, of what I'm not even sure - perhaps just their easy familiarity, after all Jack is gay.

'What do you think _Jackers_?' She leans an arm on his shoulder but smiles at me.

'Just a concussion, a little worse than mild but nothing too bad. I've asked him to stay here for five days just to recover,' he says it so casually. 'I promise he's a good guy.'

'_Obviously_,' she states and 'sure he can stay,' she shrugs easily. 'You going to stay for a drink?' she looks at Jack.

'You could talk me into a nice cold lemonade but we need to let Pace rest,' he shoots me a look which speaks of his devastation. He quickly pulls it together.

'You can sleep here?' Joey offers to Jack and I wonder how late it is.

'What time is it?' I ask,

'Eight thirty,' Joey says. 'We'll let you sleep. I'll put a jug of water in here and get Jack to make you something to eat before he goes,' she smirks at Jack who elbows her in the ribs. They leave my room chatting easily about something to do with food, I can't be sure because they're speaking in soft voices. I rub my face with my hands. I imagine Jack will talk to Joey about me, about my illness. I know he'll be strong for me but he won't like the news. I imagine Joey will listen. It is stupid for me to think about to girl. I have cancer. Despite Joey's nice play on words I am actually dying. Or rather living with a disease that will probably kill me, or at least wreck me whilst trying to kill me.

I know I'm emotional. I know she's just some girl who happened to find me and haul me back to her her home to look after me. Just some girl. She is just some girl who is insanely beautiful and more than a little intriguing, and the girl Jack's known his whole life. I have known many beautiful girls, and many interesting and intriguing ones. Though it feels like she's something special that's probably just my heightened emotional state talking. Still, I'm waiting, keeping my heavy eyes open, just so I can see her when she delivers my jug of water. I smile as she pushes open the door and puts a jug of water on the beside table, a ceramic coaster underneath - of course artsy and lovely. She then hands me two thick slices of brown toast and butter.

'Jack said to keep it simple,' she says by way of explanation.

'Thank you. And thanks for letting me stay,' I add wondering how old she actually is.

'You were unconscious on the side of the road,' she says with a roll of her eyes, 'I couldn't just leave you there!'

'You could have just called for an ambulance. No one would have blamed you."

'Average wait for an ambulance out here is a long time. I knew Jack would be quicker, and probably better,' she shrugs.

'Well thanks,' I can't stop thanking her.

'Enough with the thanks, just don't murder me in my sleep.'

'Wouldn't dream of it,' I laugh, 'I'd probably drop the axe on my toe... You know I have a concussion!' I say it and she laughs. I love it that she laughs, the way she just seems to relax. The rest of the time it's like she's controlling herself, being careful.

'Sleep well Pacey and I'll see you in the morning. If I'm out when you wake up please just make yourself at home.'

'Ok,' I stare at her. Apparently a concussion makes me unsubtle and gooey eyed. 'Thanks again.'

'Stop saying thanks or I'll go get the axe. You're very welcome,' she rolls her eyes, sort of self-deprecating, like she can't take the thanks, the appreciation.

'Then sleep well.'

* * *

After eating the toast, I fall asleep without even taking a trip to the bathroom. When I finally open my eyes the light in the room is different - less warm. I get the sense that it's morning and I really need the bathroom. I stumble into the hall getting a clearer view of the rest of the house, but right now all I can think about is my need to pee, so I push open the first door I see. It's an office. The desk is large and more cluttered than anywhere else I've seen. There is a laptop on the desk but the screen is dark. A mobile hangs in the window catching the sunlight as the blind is pulled up. It's plain and simple, and of course perfect. Stumbling back into the hall I push open the second door and thank god it's a bathroom. Warm floor tiles, simple white suite, a mirror and a window sill of cacti. I pee and wash my hands before heading back to the bedroom. I could really use a shower and a change of clothes. Entering the bedroom again, I instantly notice a towel, some sweats and a T-shirt. I assume the clothes are Jack's, though I guess a guy I haven't met might live here. I take them through to the bathroom and revel in getting clean, washing my hair thoroughly, relieved that I still have it, for the time being at least.

I pull on the clean clothes. The pants are a little short so I roll them up a couple of times so they look a bit less silly. I would like to pretend I'm not self conscious but Joey is hot as hell and I don't want to look like a complete dork. The T-shirt fits better and is definitely one of Jack's. I recognize it from our years of being roommates. Once I'm dressed I head out into the main part of the house. It is more stunning than I had thought. It's got a huge wooden patio with a hammock and wooden table and chairs, a bright rainbow umbrella providing shade for the table. There's also comfortable outdoor furniture, a couch to sink into and a couple of chairs. The whole deck looks out onto a small, practically insignificant lake which is glinting in the rising sun. Forgetting about food I head outside wondering how Joey found this little piece of paradise, and how she managed to buy the small but perfect wooden cottage. My eyes find Joey almost instantly. She's sat at the table with a cup of coffee protectively in her hand.

'Hey,' she smiles. 'Coffee's in the pot.'

'This place is just...' I can't even think if a word that does it justice.

'Oh I know,' she smiles. 'I know the isolation isn't for everyone but if you don't mind it - I'm not sure there's a more beautiful place. I'll take you out on the kayak later if you want?'

'Oh I want,' I smile widely staring at her messy bun, the loose checked shirt over the ripped jean shorts. She looks like she couldn't give a damn about how she looks and as a result she's utterly gorgeous. Everything about her is just perfect. The way her dimples show when she smiles, the arch of her eyebrows, her large, long lashed eyes with their indescribable colour. I rip my eyes away from her and head into the kitchen with its full coffee pot waiting for me, a nice large mug beside it. I fill up, add a little milk and join her outside.

'How's the head?' she asks, her eyes on the lake.

'Oh it's sore,' I admit and she turns and looks at me, her eyes appraising my face.

'Jack left some drugs, I can get you some?'

'Maybe in a bit, I'm pretty happy right here,' I admit and she shrugs easily.

'Sleep ok?'

'Comfiest bed in the world,' I tell her and she laughs, the sound ringing out in the great outdoors, casting shade on the other sounds of nature.

'It cost enough - it should be comfortable.'

'Where did you sleep? Is there a room I didn't see?'

'Actually yeah,' she takes a sip of coffee. 'Basement with a big tv, sofa bed and pool table.'

'I think you might be the perfect woman,' I muse with obvious humour and she rolls her eyes,

'Far from it actually.'

'Really?' I tease and she blushes slightly,

'I'm a total bitch when I have PMS and I can't cook.'

'Only when you have PMS?' I'm still aiming to tease and her blush is my reward,

'Well when I have PMS and when I meet stupidity. I'm not very patient with the impractical or the idiots of this world. Oh and I get terrible verbal road rage.'

'I can't wait to see that.'

'Perks of living in the middle of nowhere - no one on the road but me. Oh and stupid motorcyclists who skid off the road,' she gives me a look and I laugh because she's making fun of me, rather than tiptoeing around my confession, around the fact that my body is giving up.

'Hey, it was tough to see through the blur of tears,' I defend with a grin and she smiles back.

'Any danger of tears right now?'

'Right now I'm feeling pretty good,' I take a sip of my coffee which is unsurprisingly delicious. 'Even if you can't cook you can make excellent coffee,' I compliment.

'Necessary,' she says simply.

'As a non paying, impromptu, stranger of a houseguest is it presumptuous of me to ask if there might be any breakfast?'

'Totally,' she smirks.

'I am absolutely willing to pay you some board by the way. In fact I insist.'

'If you want to pay, go stay at a hotel,' she says with a roll of her eyes. 'My sister runs the B&B in town.'

'Is her coffee as good as yours?' I give her a serious look. She shakes her head,

'Not nearly though Bodie, my sisters boyfriend, is a chef so the food is pretty awesome.'

'I'd rather good company,' I say and yeah, it's outright flirting. 'I can provide the good food. Jack said to explore your kitchen cupboards and to call him with a list of ingredients I need.'

'Jack would,' she rolls her eyes, 'Well I have fruits and veg galore in the garden on the other side of the house, but that's it.'

'Are there fish in the lake?'

'Yeah. Jack has a rod in the shed. If you've got the patience then be my guest.'

'You have any herbs, spices, tinned tomatoes?'

'I have vine tomatoes that aren't quite ready,' she wrinkles her nose adorably. 'But nothing else. I have barbecue condiments courtesy of Jack. Anything else, you'll need Jack to bring.'

'I could work with ripe vine tomatoes,' I say and smile. 'I'll get Jack to bring some tomatoes.'

'Ok,' she nods. 'You feel well enough to go out in the boat? We could take the canoe instead of the kayak and you could fish from that?'

'Would the doc approve?' I frown. I mean I feel ok. Not great but ok. If I take some pills I would probably be fine.

'Probably not. But you're a doctor too. If you say it's ok, we can trust that. And it's weird to hear him called doctor when we grew up together.'

'Believe me, it's weird having him as my doctor! Is he your doctor?'

'Well yeah, there isn't another one,' she shrugs. 'You take some pills, I'll pack us some fruit and bread and find the rod. I guess dig up some worms for bait and we can set out before it gets too hot.'

'Sounds great. I'll call Jack quickly,' I say and she smiles.

* * *

A half hour later we're out on the lake and it's peaceful. It makes me feel an inner peace I haven't felt since that doctors appointment, well since the initial tests. The only sounds are the paddles in water, the crickets, birds, and a faint trickle of water.

'It's nothing spectacular,' Joey says and gestures to the small water fall, 'but I like it.'

'Me too,' I agree already feeling the heat, despite having changed into an old pair of Jack's swimming shorts that Joey found in the basement.

'Fish or swim?' she asks with a quizzical tilt to her head.

'Swim.'

'You're not going to pass out on me?'

'Me?' I gesture to myself, 'no. Not planning to.'

'Good,' she jumps up and shimmies out of her shorts and throws off the shirt to reveal a plain, simple and of course devastatingly sexy, black bikini. Before I can ogle her too much she's dived off the canoe and into the water, surfacing a few seconds later, her bun soaked, her wet skin glinting in the sun which only enhances her goddess like appearance. 'Wow that's cold,' she flicks some of the admittedly icy water at me as she treads water beside the boat.

'Thats freezing,' I grumble.

'But so refreshing,' she flicks me again, so I rip off my shirt and bomb into the water. The cold hits me and I want to scream, but she's right - it's refreshing, exciting and it makes me feel alive. God, I've become a total cliche, but this strange girl is making me crazy and this lifestyle of hers is insanely enticing. I'm not sure I could live in the middle of nowhere all the time but right now it suits me perfectly. 'Good huh?' she says from beside me and I'm filled with the entirely inappropriate desire to kiss her. I don't. Obviously. We swim together, chatting and joking. She tells me she's twenty two, when I ask. Jack's clearly older, being my age, but she says their moms were friends so they've known each other their whole lives. She has another friend, some guy her age called Dawson. She says they dated when they were teenagers, after that she and Jack had a "flirtation." After that Jack came out. They're friends now. He lives in LA, so she doesn't see him much. She mentions one further friend. A girl called Jen whom Jack has mentioned over the years. Her best friend growing up. Apparently she's a blond bombshell who's "everyones" type. I doubt she's mine because Joey is apparently completely my type. She talks about Jen with a kind of reverence you only find in a true friendship. She says they don't really argue because they have an "honesty policy."

We eventually clamber back into the canoe and at first it's cold, but the sun soon warms me up until I'm thankful for the wet clothes keeping me cool. Joey pulls on her shorts but forgoes the shirt, and I find I'm easily distracted as I fish and she chats to me easily.

'So what is it you do? Do you work?' I frown because she hasn't seemed to find squeezing in a fishing trip and a swim much of a struggle on a Thursday morning.

'Yeah, I'm a writer,' she shrugs a little.

'As in a bonafide published author?' I arch my brows and she nods with the same self-deprecating smile as yesterday.

'I write a series for teenagers. It's not exactly an extreme best seller like Twilight but it does ok. Just simple, everyday stories - no hunger games or factions.'

'What's it called?'

'The series is called Lost Lake...I think my inspiration is obvious,' she laughs again, nervous, her cheeks tinged with pink. She needn't be embarrassed. I've actually heard of the series.

'Kind of funny but I brought the series for my niece for her birthday. She asked for them.'

'Thats cool,' she seems genuinely chuffed.

'Totally cool,' I stare at her and we hold eye contact for a little longer than necessary.

'You can tell her I'm working on the next one,' she says and there's a moment of silence. 'You have a brother or sister then?' she asks and I find myself telling her about Dougie, Gretchen, Kerry, Anna and mom and pop.

'Did he hit or just verbally go at you?' she asks when we talk about my dad.

'Mostly it was verbal but I had the odd punch to the face.'

'Hmm,' she's silent for a while, absorbing the information. 'Kind of weird. Your dad being a sheriff but taking the policing of his family to an inappropriate place.'

'That's my pops,' I mutter.

'You know my dad hit us too. He wasn't an alcoholic though,' she stares at the waterfall and then looks back at me. 'He wasn't the town sheriff either, more the local convict. He's in the state penitentiary for armed robbery and drugs. Tons of drugs.'

'Wow,' I say. I didn't see that coming. Growing up with my dad the sheriff and Doug the deputy I, probably wrongly, built up an image of the kids of these cons. Usually damaged. Joey doesn't seem damaged, in fact she seems whole and wonderful. 'How old were you when he was put away?'

'Twelve. My mom died a few weeks later. It's young to have the worst time of your life, but after that stretch of time everything has felt better. My sister and I are close. She pretty much raised me. With Bodie of course.'

'How old was your sister?'

'Twenty. Pregnant and unmarried. Luckily Bodie was a decent guy.'

'It's not decency that should be attributed to men who stick by the women they get pregnant,' I say thinking of Joey's sister and this mistaken notion that decency is what keeps men around.

'You're right, Bessie sure as hell couldn't go anywhere. It wasn't decent of Bodie, but he was only nineteen and many guys wouldn't have stuck around.'

'But he loved her?' I ask and Joey nods. 'Then he wasn't going anywhere. Decency had nothing to do with it.'

'I suppose you're right. I've just been conditioned to think that people do things because they have to.'

'What's conditioned you to think that?' I ask, somehow surprised.

'Dawson, he's a nice guy, a good friend,' she pauses, 'but he made me take evidence to the police that got my dad arrested - this is after his original release when I was fifteen. He made me get my dad to say things, incriminating things whilst wearing a wire. Because it was the right thing. He convinced me because he had to. I did it because I had to. And doesn't doing the right thing make you a decent person?'

'I guess,' I say at length thinking it through. 'But being there for your child isn't a matter of decency, it's something you have to do, because it's human nature, because it's your child, because you're supposed to love them fiercely and unconditionally.'

'My dad had conditions.'

'So did mine,' I sigh. 'But that's not the deal. And whilst my dad's conditions make him less than decent, having no conditions doesn't make you decent in makes you normal. Normal is love unconditional.'

'You want kids?' she asks and I wonder whether she remembers the dying thing. My heart aches at the future that can't be mine.

'I did,' I hate the sting of tears. Sat on a boat with a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl whom I got to wanting the second I laid eyes on her, I feel more than ever the lack of future ahead of me.

'But not any more?'

'I'm dying,' I say.

'Then you aught to remind yourself to keep living,' she says simply and a tug on the fishing line sinks any response I might have back inside of me. I know that what she says is right, according to what people "say" about cancer, but the only thing I want to live for right now is the girl in front of me.

I reel in the fish and she smiles. I find it hard to smile back but she's unperturbed. Instead she surprises me by taking the fish and unhooking it, and gently holding it until it stops flipping.

'I hate this part of fishing,' she admits. 'It's why I don't fish but just stick to the garden stuff,' she shrugs. 'Probably sounds a bit soft.'

'No actually it doesn't,' and it's true. She hates the fish dying. I hate the fish dying. When I was a kid I wanted to fish so badly I used to beg Dougy. He finally relented and took me and when that fish lay in the bottom of the boat, starved of oxygen, well I nearly cried. I didn't because I was trying to be brave. 'I hate that we need another,' I say and she nods but she helps me bait the hook in a unsqueamish way, her fingers knocking against mine. I resist the urge to take her hand in mine, so I'm utterly surprised when she takes my hand, our hands resting against the rough wooden seat of the canoe as I flick the line back into the water. At length she let's go.

* * *

We head back to shore once we have the second fish. It didn't take long and we keep the conversation light and easy going. Well I wouldn't say we keep it anything. Conversation flows pretty easily and naturally. She tells me stories about growing up, escapades in movie making, the almost love triangles between her Dawson and Jen. I in turn tell her about my friends. Somehow we move onto Andie and I tell her everything. How Andie had faith in me when no one else seemed to but she was never quite happy with who I was, how she kept insisting I could be more and how I wondered at what was important about being more when I was happy. Andie cheating mortified me in many ways but I find myself telling Joey all about it and she surprises me with her fury. She's outraged that Andie cheated on me, and she paddles furiously.

'I hit a nerve with that revelation?' I ask and she stops paddling all at once.

'Yeah,' she admits and smiled at me over her shoulder.

'Care to share?'

'You haven't had enough of my sordid past?' She quirks a brow.

'Never,' I say with utter honesty.

'My father cheated on my sick mother,' she explains simply and I get it. Andie might not know I'm sick, in fact it probably doesn't impact the situation - Joey just doesn't like cheaters. They're scum. Andie is in many ways. Of course the sick part of me, mentally that is, remembers her bouncy enthusiasm, that faith she held in me. Then Joey continues, 'I have an age stipulation on the cheating thing though because when I was fifteen and dating Dawson, well I kissed Jack. I was young, hormonal and it was a kiss. It was wrong and I vowed to never do it again. I never would either. I still feel sick to my stomach. My dad though? Well he was married, with kids, to a sick woman...'

'Andie was old enough to know better and it wasn't just a kiss, just once.'

'She didn't tell you then?' she asks as we tie the canoe to her small dock.

'No, she didn't.'

'Then it's wrong. I understand the human condition. We are young and we make mistakes, but we have to own up to them.'

'We do,' I agree.

'You ever cheat?' she asks and I shake my head,

'No. I've always been a one woman guy. I mean, I won't lie, I've had a few one night stands, but if I'm with a girl, then I'm only with her.'

'Are you the guy who slept with his English teacher in high school?'

'Yeah, and I was very committed,' I say and she laughs, loudly.

'Oh I bet you were. How many fantasies did she fulfil?'

'Enough,' I answer and she looks at the fish we caught.

'I'll let you take care of them, I'm gonna go work for a bit. I just need to pay a couple of bills and finish the current chapter. You should take a rest - your head must be throbbing.'

'It is,' I admit ruefully.

'Have a lie down. We can play a game later.'

'A game?' I smirk.

'Yeah,' she gives me a withering look. 'You know, like scrabble, cards, something like that.'

'I would love to play a game. I honestly can't remember the last time I played a game of cards.'

'We'll start with rummy and move onto poker when the others get here. I think we might need another swim, it's awfully hot for May.'

'Sounds great,' I nod and after grabbing a knife from the kitchen I head outside to deal with the fish. When I'm done I wash up and then head upstairs for a much needed lie down. Joey's bed is taking on mythical greatness in my mind as I imagine the soft covers. The shower is going and I pause to imagine Joey under the stream of water, and I'm very tempted to go in, but of course that would be entirely inappropriate so I head into the bedroom. She's made the bed and opened the window but drawn the blind. The room is entirely inviting and after shutting the door I strip off my clothes and dig around in my bag for clean boxers and climb into the bed. I'm asleep in moments.

* * *

When I awake, I feel bleary and disorientated and pretty god damned awful. I sit up and notice my tablets and a fresh glass of water by the bed. I take the tablets and stay in bed until the edge is gone off my headache and I feel a little better. It's warm so I put the swimming shorts back on before heading into the living area. Joey is on the deck reading a book, so after grabbing a glass of water I join her.

'Hey,' she smiles. 'Feel groggy and disorientated from sleeping in the day?'

'Pretty much,' I admit.

'You hungry? I have some cookies somewhere.'

'Sure. Cookies sound pretty good right now. Aren't you starving just eating salad?'

'I don't just eat salad,' she scowls, 'I mean I have bread in the freezer and...well cookies,' she finishes brightly and heads inside returning a few moments later with an unopened pack of chocolate chip cookies. They look insanely good. She hands me the packet with a knowing look. I just grin and dig in. She gives me a look and then sinks onto the couch beside me, her body resting against mine as she takes a cookie. She's closer than strangers normally sit, but we don't feel like strangers. For one she's Jack's friend, a girl Jack's known his whole life, and for two we talk about things I don't even talk about with my friends back home. I clearly like her, a gut wrenching adoration of her. So when she sits close I relish it, in fact I run my fingers along hers and she looks at me, but doesn't say anything.

We sit like that for a while, her body resting against mine, her fingers against mine, watching the water and chatting about our literary preferences. It's fun, really good fun, especially when we disagree and she gets this fiery look in her eyes. At length she goes inside to grab the cards and we play rummy. The downside of rummy is that she sits back on the chair, but we keep making this prolonged eye contact. We play cards until we hear an engine and then voices and Jack and a pretty blond girl who must be Jen arrive. They come straight around the back, singing hello, Jack introducing me to Jen, as he immediately fires up the barbecue. I realize I better get on with cooking, so I head inside to prepare the fish surprised to find Joey beside me asking what she can do. I get her peeling potatoes and slicing red onion, then chopping veggies for the halloumi kebabs I have planned. Jen puts her feet up outside, talking to Jack who has grabbed them both a beer. Things are easy going. Jen accepts me in this small group as if I've always been here, throwing me questions when she comes in for another beer, sitting on a stool at the counter opposite me and Joey, and joining the conversation. If she notices how close Joey and I stand she doesn't comment on it.

At length we head outside with all the food and put it on the barbecue, the salad on the table whilst the homemade fries cook in the oven. The conversation is easy, light and teasing, Jack talking about the lack of romantic options and Jen agreeing. Joey doesn't really mention the lack of romantic opportunity.

'You don't seem to have the same complaints as these two,' I say and she gives me a look. Before she can answer Jack pipes up,

'Jo prefers a lonely life.'

'Thats not true,' she defends.

'Come on Joey, of course it is. You're never interested in even trying to meet someone.'

'I'm not uninterested,' Joey says with a careless shrug, 'I just don't want to meet someone in a club two hours away or god forbid the bar downtown.'

'Theirs nothing wrong with Mackenzie's,' Jack defends.

'Nothing right with it either,' Joey quips.

'That might be true,' Jen concedes. 'And you know Jo, those are our options if we live here, it's not like we just find guys on the side of the street...oh wait,' she smirks and Joey blushes even though she has no reason to. I'm thrilled by her blush.

'Sorry you haven't had the same luck,' she smirks through her blush and shoots me a look. I hold her eyes because hell, if she wants me that's great, because despite the reason I'm here, despite the cancer, I want her. I want her badly.

'No,' Jen laughs at her friend. 'Shame,' this time she looks at me and let's me know she thinks I'm attractive, a look that says she's not interested but could be.

'Shame I'm riddled with cancer,' I say and I'm not sure why. Maybe so Jen knows I'm not a catch, and certainly no good for her friend.

'No ones perfect,' Joey says and ruffles my hair, all of which overshadows Jen look of sympathy. I guess Jack told her in the car on the way. As Joey's hand trails away I catch it in my own and hold it. She let's me. Jack gives me a look but Jen rolls her eyes as if she expected nothing less.

At length I have to get up and sort out the dinner, until we're serving up on the table, beers seeping condensation onto the wood of the table. I'd like to pretend the murmurs of approval over the food meant nothing, but I'm completely chuffed with the obvious appreciation.

'I almost forgot how good your food is Pace,' Jack moans softly, but my eyes are glued on Joey who eats slowly, savouring every bite.

* * *

I can't say how many beers we've drunk, or how much a game of poker had me laughing, but at length Jen and Jack disappear and it's only Joey and I on the deck in the moonlight, the soft smell if citronella in the air from the candle that lights the cool air.

'Do you guys do this a lot?' I ask her, and she gets up from her chair and sits beside me on the couch where I flopped moments before. Again she's closer than normal social dictates.

'Yeah. Every week, twice a week in the summer. They sleep in the basement and head off early.'

'So where will you sleep?' I ask my heart hammering and she gives me a sultry look.

'Couch inside,' she smirks and I laugh at her, before leaning in and pressing my lips to the length of neck exposed by her bun. It's not a kiss really, more a sign of affection and she takes it as such, a soft sigh floating away across the lake.

'I like being here,' I admit, 'I'm glad I crashed and I'm glad you found me.'

'It sounds all wrong for me to say me too, but me too,' she snuggles in a little closer and I wonder what she'd do if I kissed her, properly kissed her, not in the ambiguous way I just did. I don't kiss her, but we sit there for a long time before she yawns and heads inside lying down on the couch, whispering the words 'good night.'

I cover her with a blanket and indulge in the pleasure of watching her sleep for far too long. When my head begins to pound I head into the bedroom but I leave the door open so I can make out the shape of her on the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

When I wake up it's pouring with rain and the house is dark with a chill to it. I guess the good weather has broken. I go through the bathroom using the toothbrush Joey gave me yesterday, showering and then head into the main part of the house. It's warmer out here because there's a big fire roaring in the fireplace, the flowers now up high on the windowsill.

'Hey,' I drop down next to Joey on the couch and she gives me a smile. She's clearly been up a while. She smells fresh, like she showered not long ago and she's wearing leggings with the same checked shirt as yesterday. She has some papers in her lap that she's working on.

'Hey,' she gives me a big smile.

'How did you sleep?'

'Great. I woke up when Jen and Jack left which was about the same time the thunder started. I'm hoping it'll clear up by lunch,' she says. 'You?'

'Like a baby,' I admit.

'I know from experience that baby's tend to sleep very poorly.'

'Well now that's true,' I concede, 'I slept like a log then.'

'Good. I'll get you coffee,' she says and jumps up returning with milky coffee, just the way I like it.

'Thanks,' I take the mug and she carefully sits down beside me, closer than she was before not picking up the papers again, but sipping on her own coffee. 'So what do you do when it rains?' I ask and she gives me a look,

'Work, clean the house, write,' she shrugs.

'Make out with men you find unconscious at the side of the road?' I ask with a confidence I didn't know I possess.

'Not done that before,' she gives me look, somewhere between surprise and amusement.

'You should consider it. I've heard it makes the rainy hours pass really fast.'

'Does it now?' she looks up at me with wide eyes and I nod.

'Yeah, especially when they're really good kissers.'

'Modest much?' She asks.

'Well I know one way you could find out,' I joke whilst arching my eyebrows suggestively and she laughs, putting her mug on the table and pressing her lips to mine. It's a clumsy closed mouth kiss, and of course I'm holding my cup of coffee so I only have one free hand and I'm too shocked by her sudden move to really react before she's sitting back.

'And who told you you're a good kisser? You just sat there!' She's teasing me but my heart is racing and I'm pretty sure my eyes must be dilated because I want her. I want her badly. I put my mug down and wrap a hand round the nape of her neck pulling her closer, kissing her with an open mouth, not just an innocent kiss but a decidedly naughty one, full of what I hope is obvious intention. Her lips are soft and in the first instant unresponsive before her tongue seeks mine causing a groan to escape me, and a sigh to escape her. I've kissed a lot of girls, but as our arms tangle together, as her mouth explores mine and mine hers, as I get impossibly hard, I don't think any kiss has ever been as erotic as this one. It's another cliche, the thundering rain, the roaring fire, me rolling her onto her back and covering her body with mine, pressing against her so she can't help but know how much I want her, how much I desire her, but the whole situation is more than just perfect surroundings. This is a girl who makes me feel things, feel things beyond the notion that I'm dying, beyond mortality and morbidity. She isn't a stranger. Not only is she one of Jack's best friends which instantly makes her better than most girls, but she makes me forget the dark cloud that hovers over me. She makes me feel more alive than dead, like I could fight this disease and win. Fuck the cliches, in all honesty, fuck it all. She's a girl and she's perfect for me, right at this moment, she's fucking perfect. I could douse the fire, put us in my apartment with piles of paperwork that needs my attention and she'd still be perfect. She just happens to have carved herself a piece of heaven on this earth and why shouldn't she have. I am so turned on by this thought that I push myself against her and her soft moan makes me grow even harder. My hands which have restricted themselves to her hair, her face, her waist, they don't want restrictions any longer and they push at her shirt seeking the warmth and smooth silk of her skin, so desperate to feel the curve of her chest in my palm that I don't even care that her bikini top covers her there. In fact I push it aside and kiss down her neck until my mouth is on that exposed skin, my hips yet again bucking into hers. Her hands trace patterns on my shoulders and she too seeks the skin under my T-shirt. I undo her shirt, my eyes locking with hers and pull at the string of her bikini top until she's gloriously half naked. I sit up and pull off my t-shirt and we kiss again, this time our naked skin brushes together, her soft chest against mine and I groan, unable to control any noises I make because she's so fucking hot and I could probably come in like five seconds if she touched me. She bucks her hips against me and I realize she probably doesn't need to touch me and I move against her, loving her moan. It's more like five minutes before she comes, her mouth dropping open, her eyes closed, everything in her expression open, and I come in my boxers just from rubbing against her. I feel like a teenager and I love it.

'Its stopped raining,' she says with a smile, her fingers running through the hair at the nape of my neck. I'm sticky and a little uncomfortable but I have no desire to move, none at all. I press a kiss to her forehead, then her cheeks and finally her lips.

'I feel a little teenage,' I admit and she giggles,

'Coming in your boxers?'

'Yeah,' I blush and she runs her soft, slim fingers across my cheek, over my stubble and the tinge of red on my cheek.

'You're beautiful,' she says with a faraway look in her eyes. I've never been called beautiful before. She stares at me intently, tracing my features. I don't care about anything at this second.

'I've wanted to say that to you from the second I saw you,' I tell her and she laughs.

'You did. Repeatedly. Back at the side of the road you kept claiming you must be in heaven because I must be an angel. I thought it was a terrible pick up line.'

'I can't believe you bothered to rescue me when I was spouting garbage like that.'

'Well you're hot,' she shrugs.

'Thanks. I was thinking about death before I crashed and I guess my semi conscious mind decided I was dead.'

'Well yeah, after you told me what happened it sort of made sense. I'm really not that beautiful anyway.'

'Tosh,' I grumble kissing her again.

'Seriously, my smile is lopsided, my hair can get a little stringy when I haven't cut it, I'm far too tall and my boobs are small,' she's laughing as she says it so it doesn't seem like she's fishing for compliments, which isn't very Joey anyway, more like she actually thinks all that.

'Hmm,' I say, 'your hair isn't stringy,' I smile and she laughs at me. 'You are actually tall but not too tall, your smile happens to be perfect, and as for your boobs,' I press a kiss to each one, 'well I think it's safe to say I approve of them.'

'You're a doofus,' she runs her fingers through my hair and draws my face to hers for a kiss, 'now let's go swim. I think you need a rinse,' she looks pointedly at my crotch and so I get up, pulling her with me until we're walking out into the breaking sunshine.

'It's a little cold for a swim.'

'Nah,' she grins and shimmies out of her leggings and walking into the water wearing nothing but her bikini bottoms. Well that's an incentive for sure. I'm close behind her, by hands all over her because she's mostly naked and she's so gorgeous and she seems to like me touching her. The water feels colder than yesterday but with the air so cold the water soon seems appealing and we swim about, mucking around before it's really too cold. We run inside where she has towels and sit in front of the fire. Joey's lips are pretty blue so I bet mine are but the fire is still burning though a little less enthusiastically than it was.

'You're one crazy girl,' I say and she grins at me.

'I swim all year unless ice is covering the lake.'

'You're a total freak,' I say but she just shrugs.

'Most people living in the middle of nowhere are a little odd.'

'You make an excellent point,' I pull her closer, close enough to kiss.

'Your lips are cold,' she whispers and so I dip my head and kiss her chest. She swats my head.

'I should probably take another shower,' I admit and she nods.

'I imagine you should. I'll shower in the basement.'

'Ok,' I watch her go with reluctance. She's definitely not a girl that would sleep with a guy on a whim, I know that, or I think I do. I mean everything, well except the undignified dry humping, has been above the waist, but god I wish I could join her in that shower. I'm fucking hard again just thinking about it. Instead I head to my own shower, take care of myself of course, and hurry back to the couch so as not to miss a second with her.

She comes up from the basement after I have been sat there for about ten minutes mostly thinking about all the ways I want to touch her. She's wearing a skirt and tank top, both black and simple. She smells divine and I pull her onto my lap without really thinking about it.

'Hey,' she smiles and then we're kissing.

We kiss a lot. All day is spent kissing, and touching (above the waist but who cares?). I can't get enough of her and every time i think I might be good at least for a little while, she says something or looks at me and I have to kiss her again.

The sun doesn't really make a proper appearance all day. We eat food I cook, her arms wrapped around my waist as she stands behind me pretending to learn. I would be fucking elated over all this if it wasn't for the cancer. I can't ignore it forever, just live in Joey's arms until I cease to be. For a start she makes me want to keep on being. I want to stay alive just to kiss her some more. I push the cancer from my mind and turn, pushing her against the wall and devouring her mouth, my hands finally plucking up the courage to dip down the back of her skirt, past the lace trip of her panties and onto the soft slant of her buttocks. She looks up at me with those wide eyes of hers.

'We should eat,' she whispers.

'There are things I would rather eat than food,' I say and she blushes fuchsia. It's adorable.

'Pacey,' she rests her forehead against my chest and I take pity on her.

'Food,' I say and she presses a kiss to the skin over my heart which is pounding furiously.

We eat salad, fruit and a stir fry of veggies and halloumi that is left over from last night. Knowing me as he does, Jack added meat, bread, pasta, rice, beans and pulses to my shopping order so the cupboards are well stocked. Only I don't feel like cooking. I feel like kissing. We eat as we watch a movie, or pretend to. Some disaster movie. I couldn't name it. We kiss, and joke about. Laughing over stupid things, telling each other stories from our youth, debating music. Her extremely bad taste in music is endearing. She isn't too perfect, she's real.

It gets late without us noticing, until we're both exhausted.

'Jo,' I whisper it in her ear as her eyes have closed. 'Let's go to bed.'

'Hmmm,' she seems to agree but doesn't move. At length she opens those big eyes of hers. 'Can I stay in your room?' She asks and inside I'm doing the conga.

'Sure,' I say causally but ruin it with a cheesy grin. I pull her to her feet and let her use the bathroom first. When I'm done she's already in bed, but she's not asleep. As I slip in beside her (apparently her side of the bed is the right side) she rolls into my side and presses an ear to my chest.

'You probably hate to cuddle,' she says.

'Not with you,' I say and wrap an arm around her, pressing kisses to her forehead.

'Sleep,' she says at length and rolls away from me onto her side. Like a completely smitten sap I roll with her.

* * *

I awake fully aware of her pressed against me. I'm hard in seconds and horny as hell. She shifts a little and her butt rubs against me, so I do what any self respecting man would do, grab her boob, my fingers slipping up and under her tank and rolling her nipple. She moans in her sleep and so I lean around and kiss her. She doesn't even have morning breath, but then again she doesn't really eat anything manufactured. Her food is pure and god can you tell first thing in the morning. She sinks into the kiss, rolling in my arms, until I've tugged her on top of me, my hands on her waist shifting her against myself and creating a delectable friction,

'Jo,' I say her name into the kiss,

'Hmmm?' She has yet to open her eyes.

'Please can I touch you?' I ask and I know she knows what I mean because she opens her eyes before eventually nodding. My hands dip down the back of her pyjama pants where her skin is bare as I bring her lips to mine again. I roll us until she's on her back and I'm lying beside her. I kiss her again, as my hand slides from her side to the smooth, flat of her stomach. I kiss her harder, and press against her letting her feel how much I want her, then i slide my hand down. It's ridiculous. I have been with many girls, and I've done this many times, but I'm a fucking wreck with nerves. I have got to get a grip. I know what I'm doing. I can make her come. God I want to make her come. My fingers feel the short strip of hair between her legs and then glide over where she is warm and deliciously wet. She's so wet I find myself moaning into a heated kiss. I slide a finger inside of her and she moans. I curl it up inside of her moving it in and out before adding another and then seeking out her clit with my thumb. I could come just watching her face, reading the effect of each movement on her face and adjusting it to improve that expression she has. She's so fucking turned on which means I am, and when she comes it's the best orgasm I've ever experienced and it's not even my orgasm. Her legs shut, holding my hand on her, my fingers inside her and my hips buck against her. At length her eyes open. She squeezes her thighs against my hand which is just so fucking hot and then puts her hand on me, through my shorts but I don't fucking care. I really don't, because as she grips me I can feel my orgasm beginning, and when she moves her hand over me several times I come and I come hard. My lips crash onto hers and when she releases my hand, I wipe it roughly on my boxers before pulling her close.

'Thats a nice way to start the day,' she says after a few moments and I can't help but chuckle.

'There are probably many nice ways to start the day when waking up next to you,' it's cheesy, even to my own ears, but it is true.

'Dial down the cheese,' she smirks. 'I'm going for a swim.' She jumps out of bed and opens the window. It's clear that the cold spell of yesterday is over. She strips off her pyjamas giving me my first glimpse of her bare ass - what an ass - and then pulls on another bikini, this one bright red. Opening a drawer she grabs out a sarong of bright colours and ties it around her waist. 'Coming?' she asks and I realize I haven't moved, just been staring at her.

'Yes,' of course I am.

* * *

We splash around in the water, Joey even swims from one side of the lake to the other and back again. I claim it's the kiss of life I'm giving her on her return but really it's just an excuse to put my hands all over her and my lips on hers. We kiss until we're really too cold and then haul ourselves up to the deck and her warm, fluffy towels. We curl up on the couch together, her head on my lap and we talk. She's reached a block in her current story and together we brainstorm ideas which is actually really good fun. I make us a lunch of tuna pasta salad and then choose a book from her veritable library and she brings her computer outside. She sits working through her writers block, her feet in my lap as I read the first in the Lost Lake series. Time passes quickly reading her book and before I know it I'm finished. Apparently so is she, because she shuts her laptop and shoves it on the table, removes the book from my hand and climbs on top of me, one knee on either side of me before kissing me. At first the kiss is soft, gentle, but I want her so badly my body springs to attention immediately and I'm tugging her hips closer to mine, sliding my hands under that bikini top and wishing we were naked. Apparently that thought isn't too far from Joey's mind either because she slides off of me and down to the ground. She looks at me with those big eyes and tugs at my shorts until she reveals my cock. I like my cock so I'm not particularly worried about a girl seeing it. She stares at it for a long moment from on her knees in front of me and I'll admit it's a fucking turn on - then again most things are around Joey. She's been kind of shy about doing much more than kissing so I'm not sure what she's planning to do beyond stare at me, but then she bends forward and licks the tip. As she uses her hands and mouth on me I can't think of anything, don't really want to, just want to be there with her, with her hot mouth on me and feel like I can do anything.

When I come she swallows and then looks at me, a smile on her face.

'That ok?' she asks and I nod trying to find my vocal chords.

'Hmm,' I agree, and pull her up and back on top of me, even though I'm naked at this point and she's only wearing her bikini. 'I like you,' I say the words bubbling from my belly, my heart and up to my mouth. 'I really, really like you.'

'I like you too Pace,' she says and I love the way she says it.

'I wish...well I wish a lot.'

'Mostly the cancer huh,' it's a statement not a question.

'Yeah mostly that.'

'When you decide to go, just go. I don't think I'll like saying goodbye,' she says and when I look at her she has a frown on her face, the face she presses into my neck where she breathes kisses.

'I don't think I'll like saying goodbye either,' it's the truth. The thought if leaving here, this place, but mostly her makes my heart ache. 'Can I stay until then?'

'Please,' she says simply and moves her lips to mine.

* * *

We play rummy before heading to bed where we fall asleep almost instantly. This whole being besotted by a girl is exhausting - nothing to do with the cancer I'm sure. When I wake in the morning my back is to Joey, but she's curled up into me and clearly awake because she's drawing patterns on my skin. I roll over and smile at her but she's got a small crease in her forehead and though she smiles it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

'Morning,' I say and kiss the crease. 'You ok?'

'Yes,' she says but it doesn't ring true. I give her a look,

'You have a bruise...like a really, really dark bruise on your back,' she purses her lips a little.

'Oh,' the news deflates me and she see's that. She takes my hand and shoves it under her top,

'I find touching a boob makes everything feel better,' she holds my hand to her chest and I feel a smile tugging at my lips, a genuine one, especially when she shoves her other hand up her top and holds her other boob.

'Thats pretty sexy you know,' I say and she presses a kiss to my cheek, then my lips.

'You're ok, right?'

'I'm ok. Jack will get the results tomorrow.'

'Ok,' she nods and then she kisses me, rolling her body on top of mine. She stops kissing me, my hard on between her legs and looks at me. 'Jen and Jack are coming over after lunch. Do you wanna spend the morning in bed?'

'Fuck yeah,' I pull her mouth back to mine.

* * *

The morning in bed with Joey is, well it's better than anything I could imagine ever. She opens the window and we laze around kissing, touching, making each other come again and again. We make each other laugh too, joking about and being stupid. It's fun learning Joey. Not just her body (which let's face it is awesomely good fun to learn) but her mind too. The things that drive her nuts and more importantly the things that make her laugh, even the things that piss her off (like me spouting any self-deprecating crap. Total double standard because she does it constantly.) Eventually we have to get out of bed but this time we shower together. We don't have sex because we haven't done that. In fact we don't even fool around - well we kiss some. We just stand in the warm stream of water washing ourselves and talking. We throw on some clothes. She puts on a sundress, and looks so beautiful, but then I always think she looks beautiful. The dress turns me rather handsy and I can't help the naughty thoughts running through my head.

We head through to the main part of the house and Joey sticks on some coffee whilst I make us omelettes. We didn't waste bed time eating so we're both pretty hungry. We eat on the couch outside, her legs draped across my lap. After eating she pulls her laptop onto her lap claiming "inspiration" so I get the second book in her series, two tall glasses of water and resume my seat, her legs once again across my lap. That's how Jack and Jen find us. I don't miss the pointed look Jack shoots my way, nor the delight in Jen's eyes at the sight. Jack looks slightly perplexed which is a look I've often seen on Jack's face. I'm not really sure what is causing it but I think it could be a number of things - one, it's weird to see me, his college friend, with Joey the girl he grew up with, two, I'm dying and this is going to fuck with her, and well, yeah, clearly it's number two. But it's hard to deny yourself what you really, really want when you're dying.

'Hey guys,' Joey shuts her laptop and puts it on the table, then sits up, curling into my side. Apparently she is not shy, or reticent to share how things are between us.

'You two look cosy,' Jen smirks, straight to the point.

'Yep,' Joey shrugs and I feel the need to let Jack know I'm not fucking about so I say,

'I totally adore this girl,' and Jack's frown deepens. Shit. Joey notices it,

'Pace, why don't you and Jack go catch some fish?'

'Great plan,' I stand and desperately want to kiss her, but Jack has got that expression on his face and it's making it extremely awkward. Joey steps up to me and kisses me, deeply and for slightly too long.

'See you soon,' she presses one more kiss to my lips and flops onto the sofa with Jen. Jack and I make our way to the shed in silence, picking up the pole and heading to the canoe. We paddle out onto the lake in silence.

'I know you think it's a bad idea,' I begin but Jack just shakes his head.

'I don't actually. I mean you and Joey...actually makes a lot of sense. I knew you'd like her and well...yeah...'

'So what's the problem?'

'Joey,' he admits.

'I'm not just mucking about, I mean I like her, a lot. We talk a lot, she makes me laugh, I make her laugh...I know I'm going to have to leave or whatever but, well, I don't want to.'

'Pace man, you're the best friend I made in college. We had a lot of fun, talked about all sorts of stuff - hell you even punched a guy for me. You know I love you man. It's actually you I'm looking out for.'

'Huh?' I frown and Jack sighs.

'Joey...she freaks out a little in relationships. Or with guys I should say. If her feelings get bigger than her well she kind of jumps ship.'

'I don't understand.'

'Joey was in love with this guy Dawson...'

'I know all about that guy,' I mutter and Jack rolls his eyes.

'Well she finally gets this guy and she kisses me.'

'She was a teenager.'

'Then Eddie at college. She was totally in to him and he invites her to France, this place she's wanted to go her whole life and she doesn't go. She breaks up with him instead.'

'So?'

'She won't go to Boston, you know. To see you. This is where she goes when it's too much. You have cancer Pace and I'm worried that when the reality of that sinks in she's going to freak out. You'll leave, all in love with her, and well she'll break your heart.'

'I thought you'd be worried about her,' I am not sure how on earth to take this. Doesn't Joey have every right to freak out? She doesn't owe me anything. It's not like we met through Jack - she found me on the side of the road. And what exactly is Jack basing this on - a high school romance and one guy in college?

'Of course I'm worried about her, but Joey doesn't have cancer. You do.'

'I know,' I frown feeling frustrated. Instead of arguing with my friend I strip off my tshirt and dive into the water. I sense Jack dive in beside me rather than see him and we end up goofing around like immature idiots. At length we lie there floating on the surface of the water, our eyes closed against the bright sun. Somehow it's easier with out eyes closed.

'I don't want you to get hurt if she freaks out and I don't want her to get hurt...'

'If I die?'

'Just if it's too much.'

'We have only just met,' I attempt but it's a little futile as both Jack and I know that I really, really like her. Sometimes you just know.

'Sure,' Jack says.

'If you knew this girl was so perfect for me, why did you never introduce us before?'

'Pace, she lives in the middle of nowhere. She likes living in the middle of nowhere. I guess I thought what was the point in you falling in love with a girl who'll probably never move to a big city.'

'Well, I would consider moving out of a big city,' I say and Jack grins at me,

'You would?' he squints.

'For a girl like Joey,' I admit and then we're silent, 'of course it's a moot point.'

'Yeah,' Jack's easy smile has gone and his fingers move to look at my back - the fingers of a friend and a doctor. Neither of us says anymore about it but return to the boat and the fishing rod and catch up on old med school friends.

* * *

It's a perfect afternoon. The sun is out and the water is cool. The four of us muck about on the water, paddling about, swimming and soaking up the sun. We barbecue fish for dinner and eat it with the beers Jack brought and the salad I put together. Then Jen pulls out a stash of chocolate and we eat pieces of that. Joey's curled up against me on the outside sofa, Jen and Jack in chairs. The conversation is kept easy and light.

'So Jack, I think I could do you a really big favour,' I say, my fingers brushing the silky skin of Joey's upper arm.

'Whats that then?' he asks with a smile.

'Introduce you to my brother.'

'The gorgeous and sexy Doug? Introduce me how?'

'You know, romantically.'

'He's _gay_?' Jack's voice squeaks and the girls laugh.

'Yeah, he came out six months ago. Finally,' I say.

'We have got to make that happen,' Jack says and slurps some beer.

'I wish this place was closer to Boston,' I subconsciously pull Joey even closer.

'Yeah,' Jack frowns and Joey presses a kiss to my chest.

'What's it like in winter?'

'Beautiful,' Joey answers at the same time as Jen says,

'Cold,' and Jack says,

'Busy.'

I laugh at their responses.

'Ski season kicks in and town is pretty busy then not as busy as the towns closer to the ski resort obviously but busier than summer.'

'For Joey it's snowmobiling to town time. She's crazy like that, staying out here in the elements.'

'This place is warm,' Joey shrugs, 'and it's not like I don't have company at Christmas,' she gives the other two a pointed look.

'True,' Jack gives a laugh and then pulls out a pack of cards and deals for a game of poker. It surprised me to find that Joey is an awesome poker player.

The rest of the evening passes easily until it's late and the others have work in the morning so they head down to the basement and Joey stays curled up beside me, her hands moving to my cock, which has been hard all night and hidden by her arm.

'I really, really want you,' I say as I press a kiss into her hair. I really do. I want her so badly. She hasn't even tried to turn me on and I'm a ridiculous mess. She shifts her body over me and grinds herself against me. It's fucking hot and I grab at her hips, her ass, all of her, my fingers pulling at her sarong and diving down the back of her bikini bottoms. I groan loudly as I swivel my hand just so and find how goddamned wet she is. Her head lolls back as I use my fingers on her. I know I probably shouldn't but I use my other hand to tug at the strings that hold her bottoms together until they fall apart and I pull them out the way. The same hand that achieved this relieves her of her top until she is utterly naked on top of me, my fingers steady as she moves on top of me, my thumb working her clit. 'Please Jo,' I'm begging and I'm not even sure for what. I want her to come, I want her to come on my cock, aargh I don't even know. She seems to know even if I don't and she pushes at my swim shorts, pushes them down until they fall to my knees and I can kick them off. Oh fuck, we're both naked and I'm feeling instinct tell me to take her, to pull her down hard onto myself. My fingers are still in her though, my cock pressed between us. I groan loudly when I feel her wet against it and I pull my fingers out and my hand away, and pull her closer so I can feel the warm wetness on me and it feels awesome. Her soft moan spurns me on and I guide her hips up and down so she's rubbing against me. I do this until she's moving by herself. I put a hand around myself and I feel the tip dip just slightly into her with each movement. I'm so turned on I feel slightly insane and I angle myself until when she rocks forward she rocks onto me. We both moan and she leans further forward sinking onto me completely. She's insanely tight and just the feeling of being inside her nearly makes me come. I look at her, her big bright eyes fixed on me. I really, really like her and so I press a soft kiss to her mouth, hopefully one that let's her know how much I like her and then my body takes over and I buck up into her. She gasps, her hands gripping my shoulders, but then she moves, beginning her rocking motion again, except this time I'm sliding in and out of her.

She comes first, this time calling my name, her body clenching around mine, until my hips are thrusting against hers and I'm making some guttural noise, yanking her ever closer and then wrapping my arms around her and peppering her with kisses as I come. Then we sit, still joined, in the moonlight.

'Mmmm,' she says at length. It's not very eloquent but it's a start.

'I agree,' is my response and I can feel her smile against my neck.

'Bed,' she says, 'and more of this.'

'Lots more,'I concur.

* * *

We head to bed and don't get out at all the next day except for a shower, the bathroom and food. I'm surprised that Joey is adventurous in bed, open to whatever I suggest or simply do. She let's me taste her, let's me make her come that way and allows me to fuck in any manner I choose, and it be honest I don't really even think about it, just connect my body with hers in whatever way when I'm hard and she's wet. We sleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon and finally get up at around five to have dinner on the deck. I make her risotto and she loves it. When we're done eating I rest my head on her lap thinking that this girl is perfect for me. I don't want to leave here and I especially don't want to leave her. I hate the cancer that is forcing me away. I have to have treatment. I know I do. My adoration of Joey only emphasizes that. The nearest hospital to here is miles away. I know that because I looked it up. I would quit my job and stay if I could but it's not possible, and how can I do that to a girl I've just met? I can't ask her to nurse me through the hell I face. She doesn't owe me that and I would hate for this magical relationship to become that. I hold her a little more tightly. She runs her fingers through my hair. I think we're both pretty nervous. Jack said he's drive over today after work and I know he'll be bringing my results.

When we finally hear the car, I stubbornly hold Joey closer, my head still on her lap and my arms around her. She doesn't move either. We both wait until Jack comes around the corner an envelope in his hand. He looks at us and smiles but then he holds out that damn envelope and I sit up and reach for it. I keep Joey close but I need my hands to pull out the paper. I spend a few minutes reading the results, hating the tears that spring to my eyes, hating everything.

'Did you read them?' I ask Jack and he shakes his head. I hand them to him and force back the tears. It doesn't feel right to seek comfort from Joey over this, but my hand does find hers.

'Oh,' is Jack's response to what he reads.

'I'll call Doug,' I say. 'You can finally meet him.'

'Pacey,' Jack doesn't say more than that but it's enough. 'I'm gonna go. I have to or I'd stay,' he says and he puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. Joey and I sit in silence as the motor fades. She doesn't say anything which I appreciate.

'I have to go,' I admit and kiss her. 'I really don't want to. I want to stay with you.' I may as well lay all my cards on the table.

'I want you to stay too,' she says.

'I wish...I don't know...want...to see where this goes...I think...well I think...we're good...that...'

'Yeah, me too,' she says looking up at me with large eyes and a smile.

'Jack...he...well he said something...'

'Out on the lake yesterday?' she arches a perfect brow and I nod,

'He said that you, well I guess that you run away from anything serious.'

'That doesn't surprise me,' she rolls her eyes.

'So it's not true?'

'Oh it's been true. I've run away from situations when it's about to get serious and it probably shouldn't. I mean Dawson was a smotherer. He wanted me to be the person he wanted, not the person I am. As you can imagine that's hard for me. And Eddie? I guess I didn't want to follow a guy to Paris, especially if I wasn't sure about the guy. When I go to Paris, or anywhere, it'll be either alone or as an equal in a relationship.'

'That sounds fair,' I think on what she's said. 'Have you had other boyfriends?'

'Hmmm...no,' she says looking suddenly shy. It's adorable.

'I want to be your boyfriend,' I say bluntly, aware that I want this more than ever.

'I'd like that too.'

'Except for the cancer,' I say and she doesn't say anything back. At length I speak again, my heart pounding,

'Would you...you know...maybe...give me another chance...you know...'

'Pace, you won't need another chance, it'll be the same chance as this one.'

'Yeah?' I love that, in fact_ I love her._ The realization is kind of overwhelming and I feel myself burn up.

'Yeah,' she nods and stands. 'Lets go to bed,' she holds out a hand and I take it.

'You go through the bathroom...I'm going to call my brother if that's ok.'

'My home is your home,' she says but doesn't release me. Instead she kisses me and then kisses me some more. When I start to tug at her clothes she puts distance between us,

'You call - then that,' she says and I nod, watching her go and feeling the love for her pulse through me. Instead of getting up to call Doug I sit and stare at the moonlight reflected off the lake. It's almost too easy to imagine a life with Joey. I could work in town, or even just work here. I don't have to be a doctor are all. I could help grow and cook the food and Joey could write. She'd have to be ok with that of course. We could have lazy summer days together and cozy winter ones. In my little fantasy Doug moves to town and in with Jack and together with Jen, and some boyfriend of hers, they spend weekends with us. We live in blissful semi isolation in this gorgeous house of Joey's, maybe have a kid or three, grow old and die together. Ok, so maybe I'm taking it all too far, but there shouldn't be any reason that couldn't happen, except of course there is. Could I give up doctoring for Joey? God, I've only known her days and yet my heart says yes. Of course that's crazy, well it feels crazy. Maybe I could commute. Work part time. Denver is only a couple of hours away. That's doable. My head is fucked. I have cancer. I won't be working. I know that. I know exactly what's going to happen to me and yet I'm still attempting to delude myself. I want Joey. I want the chance anyway. I sigh and get up to head indoors. I move to the phone and dial Doug. He answers on the fifth ring,

'Doug Witter.'

'Doug it's me Pace,' I say.

'Pacey,' I can hear the relief in his voice. 'What the hell happened to you man? You didn't show at mine three weeks ago and then I call work and they say you're taking time. Is this about Andie, because she's not worth it.'

'It's not about Andie.'

'Then why disappear off the face of the planet? Where are you anyway?'

'I'm in Colorado. Staying somewhere an hour outside a small town called Lost Lake.'

'Why?' he sounds perplexed. 'I mean sure, take a vacation but don't just disappear!'

'Well you see Doug...' I pause because bad news is always the tough bit.

'I see what?' Doug asks in that impatient tone of my youth.

'I got diagnosed with cancer so I acted really mature and brought a motorbike and took off. Don't lecture me because if anyone knows it all it's me. Then I came off the bike, this girl she found me. A friend of Jack's, you know Jack from college, and that's where I'm staying. Jack's keeping tabs on the cancer and well...I need to come home.'

'Fuck,' the word says it all really.

'I don't want to,' I say feeling an overwhelming urge to tell him everything about Joey. 'I want to stay with this girl. She's...she makes me want to live.'

'Cant you stay? I mean, hell, I want you home Pace...I mean shit...'

'There's no where nearby... Well there is Denver but...'

'But?' Dougy always cuts to the chase.

'I like this girl. But I've only known her a little while. She doesn't need to take care of me, watch me waste away, watch me die. Leave her now and it's a breakup but if I die... Well it wouldn't be right. She's too important to me to do that.'

'You sound smitten.'

'I am.'

'Shouldn't it be her choice?'

'She shouldn't have to make a choice. She found me at the side of the road and took care of me. She's made me laugh, made me love, made me feel like living. I don't think offering her the opportunity to clean up my sick and dress me is a choice I feel like giving her.'

'No...' his voice is soft, 'no...I guess...man...really Pace?'

'Yeah.'

'Give me her number and I'll set off first thing tomorrow. In fact give me her address and zip code.'

'Ok,' I give him the information and there's a moment of silence.

'I'll see you very soon... If you want I can book you a flight?'

'Doug, if you don't make me leave I never will. Please just come and get me.'

'Sure. Anything Pace. I love you you know.'

'And I you.'

* * *

I climb into bed and I seek comfort in Joey's body, in being inside someone so whole and healthy. I crave her like a dying man. And she allows it, all of it, in fact she seems to crave me too. Perhaps we both know that this magical interlude in our lives will soon be over and we're grasping onto it by being as close as is humanly possible. We fall asleep eventually, our naked bodies entangled together and when we finally awaken we're somehow already joined, her body moving against mine. I love her. The notion that I can so completely and unconditionally love some one is terrifying, but I love her like crazy, and I've never loved anyone that way. When we are done, she's lying on top of me and looking at me intently and I can almost begin to hope that she loves me too. She just stares at me.

'What are you doing?' I ask.

'Fixing everything about you in my head,' she answers and I find myself laughing.

'You can take a photo,' I tell her and she rolls her eyes before resting her chin on my chest.

'A photo doesn't show how much you make me laugh, or your goofy sense of humour, or the way you're all happy go lucky one minute and sweet and kind the next. I've never met anyone like you. You say it all as it is, but I don't know, it's how it really is not some glorified version. You seem to really see me, not as who I present to the world, but as who I really am.'

'You mean the girl who hoards ice cream in her freezer?' I quip because that's what I do. She grins,

'Yeah that. But more than that.'

'The girl who can't stand others putting themselves down but never ceases to put herself down?'

'Yeah,' she frowns and so I don't fill the silence. 'To be honest Pace, I've never really felt right. My friends, they accept this lifestyle of mine, but I've always thought there must be something a little messed up about me. I never really felt loved growing up. I know that's such a cliche, but really my dad, he fucked up again and again and with my mom gone, my sister was overwhelmed. I kind of carved this existence as a protection. People come and see me because they want to see me. I trust Jen and Jack. But I don't find it easy in general to trust people but you - you're who you say you are. Or you seem to be,' she squints at me with a beautiful open expression on her face.

'I am as I appear.'

'No hidden skeletons?'

'Well aside from the one under my skin?' I joke and she laughs but rolls her eyes regardless. 'Sorry doctor humour. Yeah...I have one skeleton,' I admit and she waits. She is still lying on top of me, my hands resting at the top of her ass her chest pressed against mine, her hair an unruly mess.

'You want to share it?' she asks at length and I frown.

'With you...yeah I guess,' because really what have I got to lose at this point. 'I have very very little faith in myself.'

'That's your skeleton?' She frowns slightly.

'It's more destructive than it sounds,' I say and run my fingers up and down her back wishing once again that we had forever.

'How?'

'Well it doesn't matter what I do, I never think it's good enough, well usually it isn't good enough for the sheriff.'

'Ah, I see,' she says and I frown this time. 'You just demonstrated what you mean. I bet your dad is the ass you say he is, and I bet he doesn't let you know he's proud of you but there is no way you're not good enough. You're a doctor?' I nod, 'you have a home?' I nod again, 'you don't rob, steal, get regularly arrested' I shake my head and she smiles, 'I see what you mean then.'

'I run away from people, turn on myself and then on them,' I admit.

'It's easy to run away from me,' she muses.

'Actually it's not easy at all,' I kiss her.

'So when you turn on yourself what do you mean?'

'Well if something goes wrong I blame myself, if I fuck up, make a mistake I can't accept that it's ok.'

'Well surely recognizing that fact is a good step towards not doing that?'

'It should be,' I give her a grin, 'but I've only ever admitted it to you.'

'And why admit something like that to me?'

'I guess you seem...neutral. You're like this wonderful thing in my life but you aren't actually in my life...' God that sounds awful.

'Hmm,' she says. 'Like Switzerland?'

'Better than Switzerland because you fraternize,' I squeeze her butt.

'Hmmm...but still somehow separate.'

'And non judging. You haven't once judged me. I've needed that.'

'You make me think anything is possible. I think you're a wonderful person,' she says and damn tears spring to my eyes. If I'm so wonderful how come I'm planning to leave this amazing girl without even giving her a choice? Maybe that's what makes me wonderful, the fact that I'm not making her make a choice. 'If I could melt into you right now so that I was with you forever I probably would.' It's a strange thing to say but I actually know what she means. I love her. It's as though the world is perfect when we are together. Anything is possible.

'I'm planning to leave. When Doug gets here, we'll leave. I won't say goodbye.'

'I know,' she nods, 'that's probably easier. Well it won't ever be easy will it?'

'No,' I agree.

'I would like you to stay,' she says and I don't really know what she means, that if this were a perfect world, if I was me without the cancer she'd want me to stay or does she mean she wants me to stay regardless. I decide to think it's the first option.

'I wish I could,' I say instead of what I mean which is I would like to stay. I catch a flicker of something in her eyes but I'm not really sure what it is but she rolls off of me and presses her face against my chest. We lie like that for a long time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi and thanks for reading. **

**I hope people are enjoying this and thanks for the couple of reviews I have had so far. I do enjoy knowing what people think - it brightens my day! I'm just as happy with a message as a public review, but please do give opinions! I have a lot of this written and a basic outline in my head. I've decided to change a few bits around, but hopefully it won't be a long drawn out posting.**

**Thanks**

**Tab**

**Chapter Three**

When we wake up the next day we do laundry. Joey strips the bed and pulls the dirty clothes basket out of the bathroom. We bundle all our dirty clothes, our night clothes, swim wear and towels into it. She puts on a dress, just a simple summer thing and I wear some shorts from the bottom of my bag. We work in an easy silence, our hands brushing together every now and then as we sort the laundry into piles. She gives me a smile and whatever distance settled between us earlier seems to evaporate. I smile back and then suddenly we're kissing, heated kisses that ultimately end up with us naked, intimate, limbs entangled on laundry that is going in the wash anyway, so why would we care about what else we get on it.

After some breakfast I clean the bathroom and Joey the living room and kitchen, then she pulls out her laptop and I get the third book in her series. For a time we sit on the deck, comfortable and entangled, her feet across my lap, my body slumped towards hers.

'Can I tell you something?' I say and she looks at me surprised at the sudden interruption when we were both so engrossed. Her eyes widening slightly, but her voice is kind,

'Sure.'

'These are actually really good books,' I say and she begins to laugh,

'Sure, if you're a hormonal teenager.'

'Nah, just in general,' I protest. 'The characters are good, the setting is good and the fun they get up to is good. I especially love the hint of romance.'

'That keeps a readership,' she explains. 'And it's important as a motivating factor.'

'Did you always want to write?'

'Yeah. Didn't think I'd ever do it, but then, well I hit inspiration when I started coming to this place. I thought about all the books around now and decided to channel my inner Judy Blume but for a new generation.'

'Well I'm pretty sure the new generation thanks you. I still remember reading the naughty bits of Forever. I guess that was the days before the internet when you couldn't read fanfiction and what not.'

'You read fanfiction?' She gapes at me with a huge and slightly mocking smile.

'Well on occasion...' I admit.

'And what do you read?' She quirks a brow.

'Well I read...you know superhero stuff...'

'About adventure?'

'About sex,' I admit and we both laugh. 'It's better than watching porn on the internet,' I defend and she nods as though to concede my point. 'Have you ever looked up to see if there's fanfiction about Lost Lake?'

'Never,' she blushes and looks quite flustered.

'Then let's,' I am completely on board with this idea but she shakes her head,

'I couldn't. What if it taints my, you know, my vision. Or worse, what if the ideas I read are better than my version?'

'Never. These stories use your characters, your genius. They may write a different version but it's because they love your version.'

She seems to debate it and then nods,

'Ok.'

She hands me her laptop and I call up the site. She actually has several thousand fanfics based on her stories,

'Thats a pretty decent number,' I tell her but she seems more interested in the filters I'm applying.

'So you're looking for stories that are popular?'

'Yeah. The ones that have gotten the most reviews, or favourites is a good place to start. There's always a few red herrings but you know...'

After three hours of online reading she does know. We end up acting out dialogue and peeing ourselves laughing. We take the acting to a new level and do a couple of sex scenes which is...well it's hot, but anyway. By the time we stop our eyes are sore and our stomachs hurt from laughing so much. We go for a swim, and eat ice cream in front of a movie. Considering the new results I got last night it was a perfect day.

* * *

The next day Joey wakes me up. We shower together and then she tells me she's taking me into town and on a date. This is just about the best surprise. I put on my nice clean clothes, a t-shirt and cargo shorts. She wears a skirt and a tank so I don't think I'll be underdressed. When we go out the front door I realize I've never used it. I've always gone around from the back to access her garden. We walk through the garden until we reach her truck. It's only from this place that I can see she rescued my bike. It's under one of her two firewood shelters.

'You rescued my bike!'

'I rescued you it seemed a shame not to do the same for your bike.'

'Thanks,' I kiss the top of her head as we clamber into her truck and she puts on some (bad) music and we drive to town.

The drive is pretty and long, but I really enjoy wildlife spotting so it doesn't feel long. Town is, well it's like Joey's house - in the middle of nowhere. It's not as poverty ridden as places I drove through, but it's not super wealthy either. The gas station is regular, the bar Mackenzie's looks like fun. The diner looks really nice and I actually really like the grocery store and houses. They tend to be wooden and nice and the store looks like it actually stocks a fairly good selection. Joey says we'll go there last.

She takes me for lunch at the diner first. When she walks in a tall black guy comes around from behind the counter and picks her up to hug her as he is that big.

'Sorry we didn't make it over on the weekend,' The guy says. 'It was all a bit of a mess.'

'Well I thought I'd surprise you.'

'Good surprise,' the guy grins and he's handsome. I feel ridiculous about it but I feel a little surge of jealousy - the guy is clearly close to Joey. I mean I can't expect a girl as pretty as Joey, or as nice as Joey not to have guy friends, or exes.

'Bodie, this is Pacey, Pacey this is Bodie - my sister boyfriend and wannabe father figure.' Feeling like a dumbass I grin and shake the guys hand.

'And who is Pacey?' Bodie asks with a smirk as Joey takes my hand when Bodie releases it. We sit at the counter and Bodie goes back to other side pouring us both a coffee.

'As if Jack hasn't already filled you in,' Joey practically snorts.

'He said he's his friend from college, he didn't mention this,' Bodie gestures to our hands.

'That, um, sorta just happened,' I say and Bodie gives me a look indicating that nothing better "just happen" with his sister/daughter.

'So you're moving to town?' He asks pointedly because of course anything else and I'm fucking around.

'He's not,' Joey shrugs easily.

'Really,' Bodie feigns shock, 'well good luck telling your sister that!'

'You act like I'm sixteen,' Joey rolls her eyes. She does that a lot.

'You're only twenty-two.'

'Bodie, I'm gonna get the lecture from Bess, maybe you can give it a miss?'

'Sure thing kiddo,' he ruffles her hair. 'You tell me if I need to kick his ass.'

'You don't,' she says.

The conversation is pretty light after that. Bodie is a cool guy, he's pretty funny, an awesome cook, and he clearly cares about Joey. He is, to all intents and purposes, her dad. When Joey heads to the restroom he rests against the counter.

'So level with me here Pacey...you seem to like her...I get that she's pretty and whatever, but why start something if you're gonna leave? It's all right for you heading back to the big city, tons of girls and a great job...'

'I'm not doing that,' I admit and Bodie frowns. 'I'm heading back to chemo, a little radiotherapy, probably death...'

'Well fuck,' he says and it's so like Doug's response that I laugh.

'Sorry, nervous laughter.'

'Don't apologize man. That's...well that's fucked. Does Joey know?'

'I told her way before anything happened. I...it was probably ill advised to start something but I can't regret it, she's...well you know...amazing. Beautiful, talented, kind...honest...I just wish...'

'Say no more,' Bodie puts a hand to my shoulder. 'I trust Joey. I was trying to look out for her...clearly you like her. That's good enough for me.' Wow. I like Bodie. Talk about rational and understanding and empathetic.

'Hey boys,' Joey plonks down beside me. 'Can you get Pace a slice of your cherry pie? It is truly the best pie in the world.'

'Because I use fresh not tinned cherries,' Bodie explains.

* * *

After delicious cherry pie in the diner, and a couple of slices to go, we take a walk by the downtown river. We muck around in the children's play park, sitting on the swings and chatting. We make out down by the river and then we head to her sisters.

The B&B is a lovely little place on the riverside. It's not dissimilar to Joey's house really just bigger and with rooms to rent. We walk inside without knocking, Joey pulling me along by our linked hands. It's clear that a lot of hard work has gone into the place. As if reading my mind Joey turns to me,

'It wasn't like this growing up,' she presses a kiss to my cheek, 'my room was the sofa bed in the living room and it was a quarter of the size. Dad and his associates...they burned down the family restaurant and we opened this place with the insurance.'

'Wow,' I'm not quite sure what to say. That I'm impressed, that everything about her interests me. 'Where was the restaurant?'

'Where the diner is. Somebody else bought out the site and rebuilt - that's why it looks so nice. Bes and Bodie have bought shares in the place.'

'You guys don't take adversity lying down,' i say it as I realize it.

'Well no,' Joey laughs.

'So when did you build this place up?'

'When I was sixteen. Jen and Jack helped a lot. Well Jack when he was home from college and not off...getting into mischief with his college buddies,' she prods me in the chest and I pull her to me for a big sloppy kiss. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her I love her, but I don't.

'Joey,' a woman, older than Joey but not old appears with a little baby girl on her hip. I love kids and instantly smile at the baby and when she smiles back I can't help but make goofy expressions at her whilst Joey and her sister hug.

'Hey Bes.'

'Bodie called and said you were coming over. He said you had a surprise and now I see what he meant,' she looks me over, from top to toe, thoroughly. 'Hi, I'm Bessie, Joey's older and much wiser sister.'

'Hi Bessie, Pacey,' I introduce. We'll have to have the cancer conversation again I realize. Surprisingly I'm not as daunted by it as I once was. Joey, Jen, Jack, Bodie, they've taken it for what it is. And no one has acted like I'm dying. They've accepted the choices I've made and the choices I still have to make.

'Well now Pacey, where did you come from?' she looks at me and then smiles, 'sit down and tell me everything. I'll make some lemonade,' she hands the baby to Joey who kisses her niece's wild black curls and hands her to me when she sees my expression. I take the baby and focus on her as Joey starts the tale with her discovery of me at the side of the road.

'You see Joey, that's what I always told you. Motorbikes are dangerous. I'm sure you're a good rider...and see, even he came off, you're lucky it was only a concussion,' Bessie talks a lot.

'I'm actually not a great rider,' I admit because at some point she needs to know I'm going to leave her sister. She seems so smug every time she sees our hands together, or the looks we shoot each other. She's happy for her sister and it's not real.

'You're not? Then what on earth possessed you to get on a bike. What do you do anyway?' she's not judgemental just upfront.

'I'm a doctor!' The bike is momentarily forgotten.

'Now that is a _good_ profession. Where do you work?' again she shoots an indulgent look at her sister- happy for her.

'Boston,' I admit and she frowns.

'Huh?'

'Bes he was on a road trip,' Joey says.

'I bought a bike and headed west on a bit of a...erm...whim,' I attempt.

'So you're going back to Boston?'

'I ended up here because I studied with Jack.'

'Oh,' Bessie nods, 'that boy's told a few stories about his best friend from college which if it's you means you had an affair with your high school English teacher.'

'Pacey Witter at your service,' I joke and she laughs. 'Well if you're Jack vetted you're not messing around I assume.'

'_Bessie_,' Joey looks horrified.

'It's a legitimate question Joey,' Bessie defends but Joey looks mortified.

'I like your sister,' I state. 'I like her a lot, but I'm leaving as soon as my brother gets here.'

'And you're ok with that?' Bessie turns to her sister aghast. It's not as though Joey and I are being obvious but I think perhaps Bessie can tell we've slept together.

'Pacey was diagnosed with cancer before he came on this trip. He's going home to get treatment,' Joey explains simply and for a moment Bessie doesn't say anything just stares at her sister.

'Well maybe you'll finally leave the state and go see him,' she says with a lift of her chin.

'I don't get the feeling Pacey wants me to visit him,' Joey explains.

'Oh come on. He's clearly into you!' Bessie gestures and I feel a little sheepish that it's so obvious, and concerned because it's true that I don't want her to visit me. I do, but not when I'm dying. Or trying not to die.

'No. I think Pace wants this to be what its been for now,' she says and I wonder how it is she knows me so well, and how it is that she accepts me, flaws and all.

'What about what you want?' Bessie is slightly more subdued and I look away from the baby and at Joey, after all I care a lot about what she wants.

'I don't think about what I want. I think about what is,' she answers rather cryptically, but apparently that's enough for Bessie.

'Well I'm sorry for the both of you that this isn't a more conventional romance,' she says and I laugh because I'd never thought of my killer disease as unconventional. After that we move onto more normal conversation. Bessie has two kids, Alex who's seven and the baby Rebecca. She thinks her little sister is something special - I agree.

* * *

'You took me to meet your family,' I say as we walk into Mackenzie's. It's everything I thought it would be. Full of locals, pool tables, the musty smell of old cigarettes and stale beer, an almost unplayable dartboard and loud music. A few people shout hello to Joey, a few guys ogle her (and I can't honestly blame them). 'You took me to meet your family even though I'm leaving here. Leaving you,' I say into her ear.

'You'll always be important to me. Now they'll know who I'm missing,' she says the words into my ear and my body burns pleasantly. I kiss her hard, urgently, my arms holding her tight against me.

'Let me get you a beer,' she says at length, 'you put some money on the table.'

It's unlike any first date I've ever had. Lunch with her brother in law, an afternoon with her sister and an evening in a bar, me drinking beer and the two of us playing pool and eating greasy fried food. She beats me at pool, until I've played a few games and am back in the swing of the game, then we even out. We flirt outrageously and end up joining forces against other people Joey knows, random people I can't remember the names of. We end up in a corner kissing. At length she tugs my inebriated self from the bar and she trawls me through the grocery store which is just plain weird but I'm with her so it's fun, even when she makes me make serious decisions like skim milk or 2 per cent. Or French bread or sliced. I keep kissing her and instead of getting all pissy, she just kisses me back and reiterates whichever question it is that we're on.

I fall asleep on the drive home and she somehow gets me into bed. I do remember pulling her tight against me and waxing lyrical on her many virtues but that's about all. I'm surprised I didn't sob about the unfairness of dying. Then again I don't really plan on dying.

* * *

In the morning I feel a bit horrid but Joey gave me Advil and plenty of water before bed and we sleep until ten, so all in all it's not as bad as some hangovers. I insist upon shower sex, and it's not even an effort to convince her, though she insists on teeth before shower sex. We pull on clean clothes and head through to the living area. She works on the coffee pot whilst I try and distract her, my arms wrapped around her from behind as she attempts to work. A knock at the back door causes us both to jump - Joey even screams an expletive.

'That's my brother,' I tell her when I see Doug's face and she doesn't look at me, stares steadfastly at the coffee machine, her fingers fumbling over things she can do by heart.

'You let him in, I'll just go...to the restroom,' she says and as she turns I hold her still and look into her glassy eyes. She pulls away and I let her go. I'm actually happy that this is hard for her because I love her and I want her to love me back.

'Dougy,' I say as I open the doors to the deck. 'When did you get here?'

'I got on the first available flight. I arrived in Denver at about five am and hired a car. I've been napping for the last couple of hours.'

'Well come in. Jo has put some coffee on.'

'I saw her,' Doug gives me a look.

'I know,' I grumble. 'And she's as good as she looks.'

'Even without the cancer?'

'I'd transfer to Denver, work on the ski resorts, do whatever if it meant being with her.'

'How does she feel?' Doug looks around the house and I can tell he loves it.

'I haven't asked her. I've kept this what it is and not about what it could have been.'

'Fair enough,' he tilts his head as he examines the fireplace. 'Well I love this place.'

'Thanks,' Joey says returning from wherever she went under false pretences. Her eyes are no longer glassy - more like steel. 'I'm Joey. Joey Potter.'

'Doug Witter,' he takes her hand, his eyes floating over her, the tank and loose shorts, the messy bun. She looks ravishing and even Doug can see it. 'This place...' he looks around and she laughs.

'I like it,' she says.

'Was it just here waiting to be discovered?'

'Actually no. My mother left me the land. She owned it. It had a small, falling down shack on it. I felt concerned that building on it would somehow impact the beauty here negatively, but in the end I commissioned an architect to design this place...just how I want it. It's so small from the front and so low to the ground at the back, that it just sort of nestles here. Hopefully it works.'

'It works,' Doug nods. 'Is it just the one floor?'

'There's a basement for the pool table and a spare bathroom, sofabed and all that,' she explains. 'It's dark with only a few windows but it was more important the house not be offensive. I don't need it big.'

'It's perfect,' Doug says and takes the coffee I hand him. I call Jack and then we head out to sit on the deck, Joey and I on the sofa of course, our bodies close and our hands entwined. I've never been happier to be a leftie than when drinking coffee with Joey as I get to hold her hand and drink.

'How old are you Joey?' Doug asks and I wince.

'Twenty-two,' she says. I squeeze her hand.

'You built this place at twenty-two? Man I'm in the wrong profession. What do you do?'

'Well I built it at eighteen and I'm a writer. For teenagers,' she says it sheepishly, as though it's not something to be proud of.

'You know Doug, that series Hannah was into - Lost Lake.'

'You write _those_?' Doug seems impressed.

'They're nothing special,' she says self deprecating as always, 'though Pacey and I read some of the fanfiction for them and that is something special,' Doug laughs at that.

'So you live in this perfect house and write novels?' he asks her.

'Pretty much. I like the isolation. My family is in town and so are my friends. It's been more fun with Pacey here,' her admittance makes me start. Her life seems so perfect, so tranquil and peaceful. That my whirlwinding into her life under the understanding it's only temporary has improved things makes me happy. Obscenely so.

'Your existence sounds like something I hope to possibly achieve by retirement,' Doug says and I laugh,

'You want to write novels?' I tease and Doug rolls his eyes,

'I'd like a place by a lake, with a fishing rod, a nice partner and family and friends nearby but not to near.'

'I tell you Dougy, I've been here a while and this lifestyle is healthy and utterly appealing, though maybe the isolation would make me a little strange,' I give Joey a pointed look and she whacks my chest lightly,

'Watch it mister,' she protests with a smile.

'I love that you're a little strange,' I tell her and kiss the tip of her nose.

'Are you really strange?' Doug asks her, 'or is it just that Pacey here is so strange he no longer recognizes normal?' Joey laughs,

'I think perhaps I'm a little selfish and that's how I'm strange,' she says and I'm shocked,

'You selfish? You gotta be kidding me.'

'No really,' she nods.

'How so? I mean you took me in.'

'Come on Pace, there's a huge shortage of men around here and you're pretty gorgeous you know?' she teases.

'No you did. Whatever you say, you rescued a stranger, you housed him, made him feel very, very, very, very welcome indeed...'

'Don't go there Pace, please,' Doug says.

'You're not selfish at all.'

'Well I am. I mean I live where I want to, how I want to and I cut out the things I have no time or patience for. I live off the land and write when I want to write and be who I want to be without anyone to question it. I surround myself with people who let me do it.'

'I have to agree with Pacey - that doesn't make you selfish.'

'Well we can disagree,' she shrugs and I guess that stubbornness maybe makes her a little strange. I smirk. 'Pace how about we make some breakfast? Some of the blueberries are looking good so we could do pancakes? There is a bag of flour,' she gives me a soft look and I nod as my stomach grumbles. 'If you're up to it,' she taps my head.

'Haha, just fine miss.'

'What am I missing?'

'Joey took me out for a date yesterday which means I drank beers and she drove home.'

'Where did you go?' Doug moves inside with me, whilst Joey gives a wave and heads round to the front of the house for the fruit.

'We headed into town. Joey took me it the diner where her brother in law works for lunch. He practically raised her.'

'So you met the old man?' Doug finds this insanely amusing.

'Yeah. Big black guy, muscles twice the size of mine...'

'Bet you thought he as an ex...'

'Might have done,' I say and Doug smiles. 'After that we made out in the park, then headed to her sisters before going to the only bar in town where we drank beer, ate fries and burgers and played pool.'

'Have you asked her to marry you yet?' Doug teases, but he doesn't quite pull it off because his eyes are sad.

'Haha,' I attempt but we aren't quite able to pull off fun and frivolous. It's all a bit too serious for that. 'When do we leave?'

'If we leave in the morning at around five, we should make the flight fine.'

'Ok. Don't tell Joey.'

'You're not going to tell her?'

'Saying goodbye when you really don't want to? We kind of agreed we wouldn't do that. She knows I'm going and she knows how I feel about her.'

'Thats crazy Pace. Whatever she said or you said, she deserves a goodbye. Especially if you like her like you say you do. In fact, you shouldn't be pushing her out.'

'Dougy, you don't know anything. I met her one week ago. It's been one week. I don't want her to come see me, I don't want to stay here, I just want to go home,' I shout it and when we hear Joey we both shut up. I look at her out of the corner of my eye and I don't think she heard. She moves to the sink as she washes the blueberries.

'Can I leave you guys in charge of breakfast?' she asks, 'I have a couple of bills to pay and I want to do it before I forget?'

'Sure, of course,' I kiss her cheek and run my eyes over her face. She gives me a weak smile and presses a hand to my chest before kissing my lips. Satisfied that she didn't hear I kiss her back.

'You're awfully stubborn,' Doug says as Joey disappears to her office and shuts the door. It's far enough away that we won't be overheard.

'It's not about being stubborn Doug. She doesn't owe me anything after a week. All I can promise her is a long road of sickness and probably death. She wouldn't really be with me any more, just a new version of me that cancer creates.'

'Pace man this sucks, and I do get it...I really do. I've just never seen you so...you know...'

'Happy?'

'Yeah.'

'Of course it's not really real. The only real thing is the cancer because it dominates everything else. My job, my home, my life. Even if I survive what will I really have to offer her?'

'Thats stupid Pace, you can offer her the best thing there is to offer - your love.'

'Can we stop talking about this?'

'Sure,' Doug squeezes my arm.

* * *

Joey is a little distant with Doug around, but things improve when Jack shows up in time for pancakes. Just like in my fantasies of match making them, Doug and Jack get on really well and clearly find one another attractive. The flirting is so apparent that I look at Joey. She gives me a weak smile, so I take her hand and tug her from her chair and down to the lake,

'Take a paddle with me?' I ask and she nods, so we get into the canoe and head out onto the lake. At length I put the paddle down and take her paddle from her, before pulling her between my legs, her back nestled against my chest. I don't say anything, just hold her close. We sit like that for a long time, the silence between us complete, until she turns and kisses me hard on the mouth, her hand going to my hard on, which has admittedly been prodding her in the back for quite some time. I kiss her back with equal force stripping her of her bottoms, pushing down my own and pulling her down onto me. The boat rocks precariously and I'm just glad we're out of view of the house as she rocks on top of me, her hands almost painful in their purchase on my skin. I realize I'm going to come only a second before I do, and unfortunately before Joey. She doesn't seem to care, just kisses me. At length she stops and looks at me and I can feel her heart pounding. Her eyes search mine though I'm not sure for what. How can I leave this girl? The harder question though is how can I possibly stay? 'I don't want to go,' i say, because I think it needs reiterating. She seems less certain than she once was. She doesn't say anything and this is a Joey I'm not used to. Up until Doug's arrival she's been open and honest but I can sense that there are things she wants to say but doesn't. She's closing off. Can I really blame her? Jack warned me after all that she runs away when things get to serious, too real. When I asked her she didn't really deny it. She told me about her exes and she sort of said that when it's wrong she withdrawers. Maybe she's decided I'm wrong for her?

But she's in my arms, I'm inside of her and her head is against my chest. I don't think she thinks I'm wrong but she can barely speak to me. At length she shifts off of me and after pulling on her bikini bottoms she dives into the lake and swims for the house. Unsure what to do or what is happening and whether I can cope with what is happening, I head back to the dock.

'Joey make it?' I ask Doug and Jack who are sat engrossed in conversation on the deck.

'Yeah, she went to lie down. She said she was feeling a little off,' Jack says.

'I'll go see her,' I say and I walk through the house to our room. She's laying on the bed wearing nothing but a sarong. I can tell because the sarong is a little see through. I lie down beside her and run a finger across her cheek. 'Are you ok?'

'I'm ok,' she says but it doesn't seem to be the truth.

'Is it because Doug is here?' I ask and she looks away from me. When she looks back she has glassy eyes.

'I really like you Pacey,' she says.

'I really like you too,' I frown.

'No, I _really_ like you. I heard you talking to Doug and I completely understand. I do. I've been what you needed, what's helped and that's ok. You're right it's only been a week and so I'm not going to say anything, I'm not going to make this more than it is. You've been clear and I think perhaps I have been a little foolish in allowing myself to feel more...well more than you,' she stares at me and it's on the tip of my tongue to tell her I love her. To beg her to stay with me whether it's here or in Boston. But I do love her. I love her wildly, passionately and truthfully. I don't apparently love her selfishly. After I start treatment our relationship is no longer this. It's sickness not intimacy, it's her watching me die, caring for me whilst I die. Seven days falling in love can't result in that and so I don't contradict her.

'Thank you,' I say instead which is an honest statement but also a little cruel. The hurt flickers momentarily and inside I'm happy because she feels for me, but devastated because I'm hurting her, devastated because there's nothing for us. She lies there for a few seconds before turning away from me. I curl around her, pulling her against my chest. I'm pretty sure we're both crying.

* * *

I fall asleep and when I awake she's no longer in my arms. The sickness is making my sleep deeper and I wonder whether that's the last time I'll hold her. I look at my watch and see that it is dinner time. I feel groggy and when I lift my head up I notice I've had a nose bleed and the pillow is stained with my blood. I lie there for so long dwelling on this that Joey comes back in. She's carrying a glass of iced water and a slice of toast.

'I bled on your pillow,' I state and she tilts her head to one side.

'You did,' is all she says and puts the glass of water and plate next to the bed and climbing back on beside me, coming in close to me and kissing me even though my face must have dried blood on it. I love this girl is all i can think.

'I'm sorry,' I say.

'Let's shower,' is all she says and the implication is together. She seems a little more together than this morning, 'I like your brother and he really likes Jack.'

'I'm shocked.' She laughs at this,

'I think they're planning to meet up.'

'No way?'

'Way. Before summer is out.'

'Imagine if Dougy transferred here?' I say and my mind flicks back to that fantasy I had of growing old with this girl.

'I don't think they're there yet,' she says with clear amusement and I nod.

'Sometimes it's not how long you've known some but how it feels...'

'Meaning?' she frowns and I realize I'm treading on dangerous turf considering our earlier conversation where I decided to imply things weren't so serious between us.

'All I mean is you can get to know someone well enough to feel an awful lot in a very short time.'

'I know,' she says pointedly, looking slightly hurt and of course I should have realized she'd think I meant her.

'Don't doubt the things I've said,' I say and that means all of it, 'I've meant it all.' There. I've told her it's true I like her, true I don't want to go, true I don't want her to visit and true I don't want to stay. Ahh, my aim to confuse the girl I love is complete.

'You're a confusing man Pace,' she tells me but she's not mad.

'I think I'm trying to be,' I say it seriously but she offers me a large smile and rolls on top of me.

'You need a shower,' she says. 'Can I share?'

'Always,' because it's true.

* * *

Joey and I make dinner together leaving Jack and Doug to chat on the back deck. We work with a nice synchronicity. She chops the vegetables and I combine them with some mince to make a spag bog sauce. We make garlic bread from the baguette we bought yesterday and garlic from her garden. She rustles up a salad. It's a nice meal that we've prepared, our voices gentle with one another as we speak about what school was like. She tells me that she didn't go to college because she didn't get the financial aid to cover it. It was quite simply unaffordable. She tells me she was a little depressed that summer and she used to drive up to the land she owned with the unlivable property on it. That's where she wrote the first in her series of books. She sent it into a publisher on a whim and after some fierce coaxing from Jen. She was sent a nice cheque and with the success of the book, a second was commissioned. Eventually money was rolling in without her even trying and she had her home built by the end of the next summer. She surprises me by revealing she owns two other properties - one in town and one in Boston.

'Why did you buy somewhere in Boston?' I'm quite honestly go smacked. With the way Jack and Bessie spoke it was as if Joey never wanted to leave her home or the state.

'Contrary to what my friends and family think I've been out of the state. My publisher is based in Boston.'

'Why didn't you tell me?' I ask somewhat unfairly as there has been no real reason for her to tell me.

'I didn't want you to feel any pressure. Pressure that I would intrude where you didn't want me,' she says and I hate myself a little for being so resolute in my decision to keep her out of my demise.

'You do understand don't you?' it suddenly occurs to me to ask this. Instead of pretending I don't feel it, just ask if she understands.

'I think so,' she says and I wrap her in my arms,

'What I said to Doug, what you overheard, let's be clear here - I meant every word. Its only been a week, I don't want you to come see me and I don't want to stay here. I want to go home. That's all true.'

'I know. I understand that,' her eyes are wide and I can see pain in them.

'It's also true that I more than like you. It's also true that I desperately want you to come see me, in fact I can't think of going through a day without you in it. It's also true that I want to stay here. I love this place, this house and being here with you. The only reason I want to go home is because it's not going to be this. I know what cancer treatment is like and I know that a week of romance is not enough to put a person through caring for someone going through it. I don't want to do that because of how much I like you.'

'Pace,' she says my name as though it is a term of endearment, her head pressing against my chest.

'I never meant to mess up your life,' I say and she looks up at me, her eyes burning with intensity.

'You've not messed up my life at all,' she's clearly sincere, 'I understand where you're coming from and I respect it. I won't try to change your mind or make this any harder. But just so you know, I also know what cancer treatment is like, I've cared for someone undergoing it. It doesn't affect how you feel for them.' I realize she means her mom. I never actually asked how her mom died. I guess somewhere in side I had a feeling cancer was to blame and that stopped me from asking - I can sometimes be a coward.

'Dinner nearly ready?' It's Jack and Doug, breaking into our moment, coming to help with plates and cutlery and wine glasses.

'Joey, I was meaning to ask rather than assume, whether I could stay here tonight?' Doug asks politely and Joey smiles,

'Of course, you can either share the basement with Jack or take the couch,' she says and Doug blushes a little and says his thanks.

Dinner is delicious and passes with nice conversation, though there is the underlying tension. We all know it is my last night and why, and that is after all why Doug is here. Joey is quiet and Jack becomes more distressed as the meal goes on. He asks me on a moonlit swim after dinner and though I want to be with Joey, I know my best friend needs to say things to me.

'I'm sorry this has happened to you Pace,' he says as we drift in the cold water. 'I actually can't think if anyone more...wrong for it to happen to.'

'Cancer's never right dude,' I say and he rolls his eyes at the dude.

'You're hands down one of the nicest people I've ever met. You can beat this you know. I know the odds and so do you...'

'They're not good,' I interrupt and he shakes his head,

'No they're not, but there is a percentage for survival because people do survive. Please try and be one of them.'

'I will,' I say and my eyes scan the deck for Joey's figure. I can't really see her but I pretend that I can.

'You really like her don't you?' Jack asks.

'I've fallen in love with her,' I admit.

'You know she feels the same right? I mean even if she doesn't know it yet.'

'Well hopefully I can come back to her one day and hopefully she'll still be in love with me.'

'She doesn't meet a lot of men,' he jokes.

* * *

After our swim Jack and Doug clear up whilst Joey and I canoodle on the sofa. We're generous with our affection, hugging and kissing, talking about anything but the goodbye we promised not to have. Eventually we head inside and bid the other two goodnight before heading to our room where I proceed to tell her I love her physically because my mouth won't cooperate and say the words because I'm scared it will change things and I don't think they should change. She falls asleep on top of me, naked from the shared intimacy, her eyes tired and her hands clutching me, holding me as close as possible. I don't sleep but watch the shadows dance across her, watch the rise and fall of her chest. Doug comes in around four thirty and I feel dumb tears as I maneuver away from her and out of the bed. My bag was packed yesterday and left by the door so all I have to do is pick it up. I find myself picking up her sarong from yesterday, bright and full of life and smelling like her. It's harder than I thought it would be to leave the room, but Doug returns and pulls me from it. I hold the cloth in my hand as we head to the back door, opening it and stepping out into the cool nighttime air.

'You ok?' He asks in a soft voice. I shake my head. We head around to the front of the house and Dougy opens the rental car. We load our stuff in. He gets in but I have an idea,

'Wait a second,' I say and I head around to the back of the house. I gather up a handful of pebbles from beside the lake and go back up to her deck. I begin to place them down spelling out all I've wanted to say to her - **I Love you.** Then head back round to Dougy and we head home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok, so I'm going to beg for reviews. I don't mind if they're personal messages, it's all about having some feedback. This story has been written on a whim, I half imagined it one night when I was camping in the middle of nowhere and the howling wolves kept me awake (yeah it was cool). So please, even if you hate it, give some feedback! **

**Chapter Four**

My life has become very empty and very full all at once. It has been a month since I left Lost Lake, a month since I left Joey and a month since I started my treatment. My reaction to the drugs, the treatment in general, is not as bad as I've witnessed but it is still bad. I seem to respond well but for every step in the right direction there is a step in the wrong direction. And I miss her. It's strange because the time we had together was so small in the grand scheme of things but I literally crave her. Jack sends me photographs that I print off and take to the hospital. Joey is "ok" he tells me. That's all he tells me because I asked not to be told, too afraid that any news would have me begging for her. The worse I feel, the more my body deteriorates in an effort to kill the cancer, my body muscle going, my hair falling out, my face puffing with steroids, well the more desperate I become for her, the more I hang onto those memories.

It's strange becoming a patient in the hospital where I work, and I actually find that I am able to work at times. I have only a few shifts and they are shortened. I fit them in and around my treatment so that I'm not suffering too badly from the effects. The staff are obviously sympathetic but it feels good to distract myself, to maintain something that is mine. I wear a beanie hat but I think the patients can tell I'm sick and they look at me with pity. It's obvious but I think in many ways it's made me a better doctor and in some ways a better doctor for them.

I am in hospital for a few days when Andie visits me, full of love and sorrow. It's funny how little she sways my emotions now. Even as she held the bowl I puked into I didn't want her. I don't even hate her anymore, or feel angry or anything really. Between puking I tell her I fell in love with Jack's friend. She doesn't know how to take it. She's angry and she questions my sanity but she comes back to see me and it's nice, because she can't hate me, not right now.

One day when I am in the hospital where I have been for over twelve hours Doug and Gretchen come in. Doug is holding a letter in his hand that he gives to me.

'Swung by your place on the way and the postie had been. Thought you might want that,' he says at the same time as Gretchen says,

'How you doing bro?' chucking a couple of books beside the bed for me.

'Fucking great,' I say my voice hoarse from puking. I pick up the letter and my heart pounds because it's post marked Lost Lake. I stare at it completely absorbed by the thin slanted writing on the envelope, so engrossed in all this small envelope might enclose that I completely ignore both Gretchen and Doug. It's hard to hear with blood pounding in my ears.

'**Who...is...the...letter...from**?' Gretchen sounds out each word like I'm an idiot. I glare at her.

'I think...I think it's from Joey,' I say and I fucking blush. Gretchen doesn't miss that and neither does Doug.

'She's writing you love letters?' Gretchen gives me a "go buddy" shoulder squeeze whilst Doug asks,

'So are you going to open it?'

'I don't know,' I admit.

'Oh come on Pacey, of course you're going to open it,' Gretchen's mouth has fallen open.

'He doesn't have to open it,' Doug defends.

'Of course he does. He's in love with the girl,' Gretchen hip checks Doug who does the same back.

'What if she's only writing to tell me she hopes I'm ok? Or worse that whilst what we had was fun, it's in the past? Or what if she's just writing to tell me I forgot something, you know like my favourite bruins boxers?'

'You are ridiculous Pacey Witter,' it's Doug that says it and I'm surprised.

'It is not ridiculous to defend the only joy you have. I only make it through each day because I think about her.'

'Just open the goddamned letter,' Gretchen says.

'No,' I say staring at it in a lovesick way.

'_Gah_,' Gretchen says and snatches it from my hand, ripping through that precious envelope with her writing on it, with so much possibility inside of it. She stands and reads it silently, both Doug and I watching her.

'Well?' Doug asks and Gretchen looks at me. I nod and so she reads aloud.

'_Dear Pacey. _

_I've been missing you since you left and whilst I completely understand that you don't want me to see you whilst you are having treatment, I'm not sure there needs to be a complete severing of everything. I don't like not waking up next to you but I absolutely loathe not talking to you. I don't even enjoy the solitude of my house anymore. _

_I thought about sending you emails but I know you will be in and out of the hospital and they don't always allow electronics, so I opted for an old fashioned love letter. The week we spent together seems a little hazy now with the passing of time, but I don't think for a second that I imagined you. I don't think I imagined how much we laughed, or how easy it was to talk to one another, or how crazy you made me feel, so crazy that I could scarcely let go of you. _

_You told me a story one day, a story about high school. You said that you began to flunk out and you turned on yourself. I remember the skeleton you shared with me. Here's one of mine. I do indeed run away. Everything Jack warned you about is true. Only he didn't need to warn you because you planned to run away from me. Our skeletons collaborated - you don't want to inflict your sickness on me, you feel like it's too much and the destruction of the beautiful thing between us will be "your fault." And I don't have to run away because you've run away for me. Well I don't want to run away. But you see every beautiful thing becomes tarnished with time, the tarnish adding to the story of the item, to the history, how it is treasured. If you won't see me please at least write to me. I understand that you won't always feel great, so just send me a memory, any memory. Even one word, a picture, your name._

_You didn't want to make me choose - ask you to stay or go with you, or break your heart and do neither. Well I'm making you choose because my heart is broken without you. Write me back or toss this letter in the garbage - it is your choice._

_I found your pebbles, your message. I have to assume that they said the truth and I hope that if you still feel that way you'll write to me. _

_Love_

_Joey'_ Gretchen stops reading and both she and Doug stare at me. I do brilliantly and burst into tears.

* * *

Six weeks into my treatment and Jack comes to see me. It is so good to see him though it is obvious he finds it distressing to see me so sick. His visit coincides with a surgical procedure, so he spends most of his time in the hospital with me. He talks about Joey. He doesn't even mean to and I actually find it helps, so it becomes addictive - me asking him more and more stories.

'Pace man why don't you come visit us? Come when you're on a treatment break. Just book a flight and do it.'

'I have work,' I say really too embarrassed by my physical state to see Joey. My emotional state isn't much better at times.

'That's an excuse,' he says and I blow up at him,

'Of course it's a fucking _excuse_,' I shout at him, 'look the fuck at me? I don't want the girl I love to see me like this. I can't stop fucking puking, I have no hair, no fucking eyelashes, my face is swollen up like a potato and I can't stop crying. I'm trying to be brave but I can't be brave all the time. If I go and see her, if I step in that house I'd honestly lose it. I want a chance with her if I survive this. I don't want to drag her through it.'

'She misses you Pace,' he ignores my angry outburst entirely. 'She needs you.'

'Needs me?' I scoff, 'needs this,' I gesture to myself.

'I think you are doing both yourself and her a disservice. She loves you. Not your body but you,' he says it and I remember the way she stared at me and said she was fixing me in her head. I offered her a photo and she said a photo wouldn't do it.

'You think she loves me?' I ask because that made my heart swell.

'Yeah,' he nods. 'I think she's lonely without you and Jo's never been lonely.'

'What makes you say that?' I'm like an addict, just desperate for any news of her.

'She comes to town everyday. She's decided to move to town for the winter, into the place she has there.'

'Oh,' I don't know what to say because the thought of her beautiful house sitting empty, the thought of Joey at a loss, well I don't like it.

'At least write her back.'

'You know she wrote?'

'She confided when you didn't reply and I said I was coming to visit you.'

'She really wants me to?'

'Yes, she really wants you to.'

* * *

I write her a letter. My hand is sure as it runs across the paper Doug brought in for me. My ink is black which is what I prefer. When it comes to putting pen to paper I find I don't even need to think about what to write,

_Dear Joey,_

_I meant what I didn't quite have the guts to say to your face. I love you. I perhaps love you even more now, even though we've been parted for far too long. Cancer treatment is what I thought it would be, but more painful to the soul than I thought it would be when I was the one administering treatment to others. My thoughts are very morose - well unless I am thinking of you, and so I try to always be thinking of you. It is actually pretty easy. The only time my thoughts of you turn morose is when I allow myself to consider the possibility of never seeing you again. I miss you. I miss you a lot. _

_You asked for a memory. I remember my dad ingraining the idea into me that I couldn't do something, that I was somehow lacking or incapable. When I was a kid I remember sitting in the living room. I must have been there a whole hour with this pack of cards, trying to turn it into a pyramid card house. Dad, he told me I was wasting my time, I'd never be able to do it, but I did. Then he knocked it down. I'm not even sure what would possess him. So I did it again. I guess I chose that memory as it's a reminder to be determined. When alls said and done I'm not actually sure what determination will do for me. I don't seem to get any better or any worse. I just feel like hell. _

_Let me tell you a fantasy instead. I've decided I want a horse. What use is a horse in Boston I hear you ask? Well if I'm ever better I guess I don't fancy Boston so much. I think horse riding near a lost lake would be much more fun._

_I miss you and I love you,_

_Pacey_

When the letter is written I give it to Jack to post before I can think about it too much. He has a very pleased grin on his face when I do.

* * *

Jack stays three days before he has to head home. After his visit time seems to stagnate. It moves forward endlessly, the days stretching with nothing but pain and sickness. I become too sick to work and I'm given sick leave. As another two weeks pass I begin to feel like I'm dying and I long for Joey even more.

It's around then that I receive another letter from Lost Lake. I stare at it for a long, long time but I don't open it. I'm in the hospital again. I have an infection and I've been extremely unwell. One of my siblings is usually there. Today it is two of them - it is again Doug that brings the letter when he and Gretchen visit.

'Is this the new thing we do with letters?' Gretchen asks, 'stare at the envelopes?'

'It's from Joey,' Doug tells her. He and Jack have been writing emails and I know that Jack stayed at his place when he came to see me.

'Honestly Pace,' Gretchen rolls her eyes. 'Her last letter was a love letter. This one is too.'

'Yeah I know. They just feel like something really precious.'

'God, I don't think I've ever seen you truly in love before,' Gretchen punches my knee and I glare at her. After a moment I open the envelope.

_'Dear Pacey,_

_I feel that I must tell you that I responded with great maturity to receiving your letter and skipped through town. Bodie swears I was singing but I never sing so that can't be true. Maybe I was humming a little. I continued with the maturity thing and went straight to see Ned. Ned owns the local lumber mill and building company. I asked him to come by my place. He did and has drawn up plans for a stable. Now I'm not saying I expect you to live at my house, that would be a complete over assumption, but if I plan to buy you a horse well, why not have somewhere proper to house him?'_

At this I begin to laugh out loud and I almost want to compose a response before I've finished the letter. Doug gives me a look,

'I told her I want a horse so she's building a stable. Actually building it,' I tell him and Doug grins.

'You have a very weird girlfriend,' Gretchen says.

'I have a girlfriend willing to fulfill my fantasies,' I tell her a little too smugly and she makes a face. It takes a moment for me to realize I just called Joey my girlfriend. I turn back to my letter,

'_So it is very clear that I miss you. I have just about finished my book and am in the process of reading it to see if I've made any glaring errors. I'm not supposed to share manuscripts but knowing first hand how much you enjoyed Lost Lake book 1-5 I would consider sending you a draft. Of course I would need some begging. I tend to read out on the deck sofa. It's almost too hot, but when it becomes unbearable I go for a swim. I always feel close to you on that particular seat as it is where we first...well you know. I'm not good at writing dirty, but when I'm bored reading my mind falls on that particular moment - not that I ever get bored reading my wonderful novel of course:-) I do think about you a lot. Not just sex which does fill many moments, but the way you smile, or some dumb joke you made that had me laughing like a lunatic. I have a secret about you and I, but you need to write me back before I can possibly share. So please do._

_I think about you a lot and hope that you are...not ok because I know you're not that, but somewhere above terrible. I miss you,_

_Love Joey'_

I put the letter down and feel a smile on my face as I start to cry. Instead of waiting I write her straight back, even though Doug and Gretchen remain, both reading the books Gretchen brought in whilst they wait for me to finish.

_Dear Joey,_

_What horse should we put in the stable?! You sure know how to make me laugh. You being you I assume that an actual stable is being built - have I mentioned how much I utterly adore you? From today onward I shall wear nothing but checked shirts, well those and hospital gowns. I'm not entirely sure why I believe checked shirts are necessary for horse riding but apparently Hollywood has cemented that notion well and truly into my brain. So what other fantasies should I share with you - seeing as you're in the business of fulfilling them...hmmm, there's you, me and a canoe, but actually you made that one happen. Then there's you and me in bed all day...hmmm you made that one happen...hmmm, let's look forward, you and me somewhere hot, but beautiful in a different way to Lost Lake, say somewhere like Florence, Italy. You could wear that cute sundress or maybe that beautiful sarong I stole from you and we could eat oodles of ice cream because there are no calories in ice cream. _

_I never told you that I like to sail. I once restored a storm wrecked boat. So maybe I could take you out sailing one day. I know you live no where near the coast but I'd love to sail down to the Florida Keys with you. We could have a nice large bed below deck, or even up on deck so I could do delectable things with you and then sound all deep talking bullshit about the stars. Do you know what? Pretty much anything with you is a fantasy. I'd take making breakfast, or doing house chores, or watching you write, or paddling a canoe, or eating salad because we can't be bothered to cook. Even shopping, and I hate shopping. Suffice to say I miss you too. _

_Doug and my sister Gretchen are waiting whilst I write this. They read your first letter. I was too much of a coward - I was scared it wouldn't say what I wanted it to. But it did. Gretch said I have a weird girlfriend. I'd never thought of you as my girlfriend before but I kind of like it, even if this is an unconventional relationship. I'll never forget your sister calling my cancer unconventional - I really liked that. _

_So Joey, please, please, please send me your manuscript when it's done. I would be entirely thrilled to read it. I think it would be a little like having you here. I am very tempted to say screw it and beg you to come, see me puke, see me looking like a bald potato, but I'm too cowardly for that. I think I would read it a hundred times if you gave me the chance. I have your entire series on my bedside table every time I'm in this place. So please, gorgeous girl, send me the book!_

_I better go, but I love you. I am ok. I am no nearer dead but no nearer well. I love you again. _

_Love Pacey xxxx_

_P.S. I want to live at your house. _

_P.P.S. I was thinking a black horse, or grey, or well I don't really care so long as it's got a nice personality._

_P.P.P.S. I cannot begin to imagine what your secret is, so you better share in your next letter._

I put the letter in an envelope and address it, sealing it thoroughly.

'What did you say to your girlfriend?' Gretchen appraises me over the top of her book.

'I told her we were calling her my girlfriend.'

'You know it's weirder still that you call her that but won't see her?' Doug is now also appraising me over the top of his book.

'I consider the label a good thing and I'm not going to be brought down by the unique condition of our relationship,' I state in a stupidly good mood.

'You're happy, I'm happy,' Doug says simply.

'I'm as happy as a dying man can be,' I say glibly and both of them flinch.

'Please don't say that Pace,' Gretchen says and I feel a bit guilty.

'I'm not doing it on purpose.'

'Yeah Pacey Witter, the only man on earth to get cancer just to spite his dad.'

'Aaah yes the wonderful parental figure who loves me so much he's not yet mentioned the fact that I'm dying,' I grumble.

'He's upset,' Gretchen says trying to be helpful.

'Actually he's a ass,' Doug frowns and I think my brother is wonderful.

* * *

It's a couple of weeks before Joey writes again. It's not a good couple of weeks because I get another infection that has me hospitalized yet again and for the full two weeks. It begins to feel like I am living at the hospital, and the fact that they have me on oxygen makes me feel shit. My body needs to start functioning, fighting, otherwise I'll be dead far too soon.

The days have become like one big long blur and it is only the arrival of her letter that brightens things, that makes the passage of time become marked. When I get out I may just book a flight and go see Joey. Even the handwriting on the envelope makes my heart pound but also has me filled with an inner peace. Aah, cliche man is back. I have always been proud of my family black sheep status, always enjoyed being laid back, screw up Pacey who eventually turned good but always an avoider of the good old cliche, except now I'm in need of inner peace and it's a girl who provides it.

Joey addressed the letter to the hospital which means she must know I'm in here. I imagine Doug is talking to Jack, or maybe to Joey directly. Either way, I open my little envelope of happiness and three photos are enclosed, each one a different horse. I laugh loudly to my empty room.

_Dear Pacey,_

_So I've looked into horses and these three are the nicest. The grey one is apparently a bit of a kicker but nice and fast, the white one is pretty but placid and the black one farts a lot, but is super affectionate. I obviously favour him, but it's our horse and I am, in this instance, happy to be swayed. Only I would like a photo of you in a checked shirt because I think you'd look pretty good (hot)._

_I have to say that without your company, chores are once again chores, rather than things I do whilst laughing and having impromptu sex. So I suggest we plan to go to the Florida Keys - when is up to you, or rather the bizarre governors of our relationship (I mean the cancer cells). I have never gone sailing but I cannot imagine any reason I would not enjoy sailing with you - well except perhaps sea sickness and too much fish in our diet. However, the idea of you sailing is one that gets my imagination into overdrive, and all I can say is I like it a lot. I also imagine a sailboat is a little steadier for sex compared to my canoe. I'm surprised we didn't go overboard. So talking of sex - that's what the big secret is. I thought you might be interested to know that on that evening on my deck, the two of us on my couch, when you undid my bikini bottoms - well that was the first time I'd ever had sex.'_

Holy fuck. The letter drops to my bed and I'm ashamed to find myself incredibly turned on and also beyond shocked. I knew she wasn't super experienced because she was shy but I didn't for a second think she was a virgin. My cock throbs and my hand finds it under the sheets.

'Fuck,' I say the words out loud and then checking my door I relieve all the tension I can. I clean up the sizeable mess and blush at the empty room which is frankly ridiculous. I pick up her letter,

'_Before you question anything it didn't hurt me whatsoever, and I was completely sure that it was exactly what I wanted. I actually think it was the best first time a girl ever had. I'm pretty sure that by admitting this to you I will seem irreparably young in your eyes, but I would like to point out that twenty two is not an unreasonable age to still be a virgin. I would also like to point out that I have never been one to dally in relationships that do not interest me. Hence, I've not had many relationships and none have been serious. Well except for you. Obviously._

_So I'm going to go before I scare you away by sounding too serious about you. But I am - serious about you that is._

_I aught to give you a quick memory, just in case you don't want to write a lengthy reply. Hmmm, let me think. My mom - she always cooked us bacon on the weekends and I love that smell. I haven't cooked it in years - I think we both now why, but that smell makes me happy. It's one of the best smells on earth. You're up in the top ten._

_Love Joey'_

I put down the letter but then pick it up and read it again. I do this several times over the course of the morning and when I'm finally released from hospital later that day I pack it very carefully. I spend the evening at home with Doug, Gretchen, a nurse I work with Audrey and Drue, an obnoxious friend of both Jack and I from medical school. We play monopoly, but I'm tired. I hate the fact that I'm tired because it means I'm sick. Of course I'm sick but I hate feeling that way. Everyone is pretty low key which I appreciate but I keep pressing against Joey's letter which I have folded in the front pocket of the shirt I'm wearing.

'You got a nervous tick Pace, or are your nipples especially arousing?' trust fucking Drue to notice.

'You know me so well,' I roll my eyes but smile.

'He keeps his love letters there,' Doug says and Audrey squeals.

'Oh my god Pacey, you never said you're in love. Who the hell are you in love with?'

'Jack's friend from home,' I say but Drue whistles,

'The blond or the brunette?'

'Joey, the one with brown hair,' I say staring at him.

'I met them both the summer she built her house. They're both gorgeous. I have to hand it to Jack, for a gay guy he has great taste in women,' Drue says it and I curse fucking chemo because it's smooth line and I should have said it.

'Good taste in men too,' I look pointedly at Doug who flushes on cue.

'Oh man, what is it long distance lover week?' Drue cackles.

'When is she coming to see you? Your heart isn't an easy one to win over?' Audrey looks at me with large eyes. It's no secret she had a thing for me. We kissed a few times but it didn't really go anywhere. 'I want to meet this girl, especially if she' she one stopping you having sex with me,' she pouts.

'Oh I don't know,' I say.

'Pace has enforced a strict separation whilst he is sick,' Gretchen explains in a haughty voice of someone who thinks I'm an idiot, but her audience is wrong. Doug may be on her side but Drue and Audrey, they know I'm probably going to die. They probably understand better than most why I might keep someone at arms length, because I know exactly how likely it is too.

'Hmmm,' Audrey says, 'you have gaps in treatment. If she's good for your soul, you should consider a revision of the agreement.'

'And she's hot dude,' Drue nods.

'Pacey thinks he looks like a potato,' Doug fills in and both Audrey and Drue tilt their heads to one side as they appraise my appearance. I throw monopoly houses at them,

'I can get hold of some fake eyelashes,' Audrey says brightly.

* * *

I enjoy being home and when my friends and siblings are gone I pull out some writing paper, and using a book to lean on, I write to Joey from the comfort of my sofa.

'_Dear Joey,_

_I'm home at my apartment at last. It's nice to be home, although there is somewhere I would rather be. Especially if we get a wind afflicted, super affectionate horse. I obviously completely concur as to the best horse for us. I'm not sure that any horse sounds better. You do know I don't actually know how to ride a horse? Doug sprung for a ride on a donkey one summer for me and I begged for lessons, but you know, being my parents favourite kid and all...well yeah, never happened. Before you ask how I managed to get them to fund me through medical school? Well I didn't. My siblings helped, as did the partial scholarship I got after my grade about turn. I worked my butt off and well I have debt. I have no idea what's going to happen to that debt, or the medical expenses my insurance won't cover. Fair to warn you that I'm financially bust. I will of course contribute to the horse:-) I'm still earning and well despite the debt that's accrued and accruing I still have some savings. I'm actually pretty good with money. The thing about training to be a doctor is it costs a lot but you're supposed to earn the big bucks when you start to work. Cancer kind of screws with that. Of course cancer screws with an awful lot. _

_All that aside, I am insanely excited at the idea of a horse. You know I'm planning to enact all my childhood cowboy fantasies? Of course I have a few adult cowboy fantasies but I'll require you and not the horse for those. That would be gross otherwise. With you, perfect. _

_I miss you. If it's not already obvious of course. I did rather adore your last letter, especially that little secret you decided to share, I'm not gonna lie, it made me totally hard for you. It shouldn't, I know that's totally chauvinistic or something but really, it did. Especially because I ran through that moment of you sliding onto me again and again, and that's already one of the all out sexiest moments of my life (all others also involve you.)_

_Anyway, I digress into the many ways in which I want you. I want to post this today and I'm ridiculously tired as always and so I'm going to love you and say goodbye. I will email you a checked shirt picture when I actually think I look half decent. There is an unfortunate chance that may be never. _

_I do love you. Like crazy. _

_Love Pacey.'_

* * *

Time passes and though I work occasionally it's not really the focus of my life any more. My treatment, my sickness, become my entire world, a world so bleak at times that I question my very drive to remain in it. It is Joey's letters that arrive with regularity that keep me focused, that make me laugh and make me feel loved. My friends and siblings are good to me, they do their very best and it's almost enough. Andie comes by with her usual regularity, always upbeat and far to perky, hands lingering just long enough to let me know she wants me back, eyes filling with tears she just doesn't dare shed. She rolls her eyes when I talk about Joey, points out repeatedly that Joey isn't here, that she is here, that she still loves me. Audrey is nearly as bad, though she's not manipulative. She doesn't hide the fact that it's pity that drives her desire - apparently she hates to see a man hurting and just wants to make it better. I might be tempted if it weren't for Joey. As it is I'm not tempted at all. Drue calls through frequently, teasing me into laughter with his entirely inappropriate abruptness. It's especially fun when his visit coincides with Gretchen's because they just can't stand each other. Drue is the one that brings through Joey's next letter,

'Love letter for you baldy,' he sing songs as he stalks into my room.

'Well hand it over,' I say but Drew let's the letter flip, flap in between his large fingers.

'Hmmm, I could,' he says, 'except you went so red over the last one I'm thinking she writes about more than her love of you.'

'Hand it over,' I repeat and shoot him an evil look. He grins at my irritation,

'So level with me here, how did you manage to get her? When I was there she was a bit of a cold fish. Jen...not so much, but Joey, she just sort of glared at me a lot.'

'Were you being yourself?' I ask as seriously as I can.

'Who else would I be?' Drue looks at me like I'm mad,

'Well there you have it.'

'What are you saying here Witter?'

'Just that Joey likes someone who's genuinely funny, dashingly good looking, clever, witty, someone who romances her without the cheesy chat up lines,' I shrug and Drue sits beside my bed, putting his dirty shoes up on my legs.

'You just called me a Cheeseball,' Drue summarizes happily, 'an ugly Cheeseball.'

'You're holding my letter hostage,' I point out and he chuckles and flings it at me. I snatch it up, attempting to look nonchalant but I see Drue smirking.

'Not going to open it?' his grin grows.

'Oh fuck off,' I grumble and open the letter.

'_Dear Pacey,_

_I'm not really interested in finances. I could pretend but you see I plan to be with you for as long as you'll have me. I long ago decided to follow the model that Bessie and Bodie laid out for me. They went into their relationship agreeing that they shared assets and they shared debt. I know we're not there yet, mainly because I'm here and you are there, but you have some debt and you have some assets. I was dirt poor growing up. We were always broke, and not only wondered how we'd pay the bills that kept on coming in, but how we'd manage to eat. The truth is I'm not poor anymore. In fact I'm decidedly wealthy, and continue to earn on top of what I already have. We're good and I can take care of the horse when you're not here and you can do it when you are. _

_You must tell me if I'm too much, you know, too adoring. I don't like to think that I'm wanting a future with you and you wondering why I don't just leave you alone. _

_I miss you. Whilst I'm not interested in finances I do find your parents approach to you in general interesting, and to be honest a little upsetting. You're a nice person. I mean you're a really nice person. What is their problem with you? Is it really just your father's "issues" manifesting into an inappropriate issue with you? How are they with your siblings? In the interest of being fair I'll tell you that my dad always talks like he cares. He's full of the nice things to say, how proud he is, how wonderful and beautiful we are. How we turned out so well and he loves us so much. He never seemed to love us quite so much when he wasn't in prison and his fist was in our faces. His patience is short and so is his attention span. I believe our main crime was being children and therefore not recognizing his need for space. My mother on the other hand? Well the more Bessie and I have demonized our father, the more we have idolized our mother. She did have patience but she wasn't strong, not like Bessie and I, because she knew our father cheated on her, she knew he slept with many other women, but she didn't ever leave him. Then again, I'm not entirely sure she knew where to go. _

_Enough of my depressing history. I will send you some photo's of the stable when it is done, though I have enclosed one photo of the building site. It's weird having two men around the whole time. I just have to remember to swim in my bikini. That's a joke. _

_I spend a lot of time thinking about you and thinking about how things were when we were together. I think a lot about that morning in bed together, about that moment on the sofa when I first, well yeah, I still blush writing about it. Sorry. The following day, how many ways and times we were together, it was addictive being with you. Maybe I should just send you naked photos and be done with the attempting to talk dirty. Just know that I think about it, that I think about you. I think about you making some silly quip whilst inside of me, making me laugh, even though I never associated laughing with sex. _

_I hope you are ok. Jack told me you are unfortunately back in the hospital again for a couple of days, but that you should be out soon. I hope so. A photo please Pace. I did fix you in my head but I miss you and photos are good for that._

_Love Joey.'_

I hold the letter against my chest having completely forgotten Drue's presence until he snorts,

'Good letter huh?'

'It was ok,' I mutter dismissively but Drue rolls his eyes and snatches the letter from my fingers.

'Drue man, give me back my letter,' I feel unreasonably angry because the letter isn't full of secret stuff, but it's intimate, it's between Joey and I and it's our way of being together. Drue being Drue is reading the letter and completely ignoring my anger and irritation.

'Man, she really likes you.'

'You think?' God I'm pathetic, but he says it and I do a one eighty and am suddenly looking at him like he's the wise old man.

'Course, all that finance crap - she's basically saying she's giving you her fortune. Which is probably a lot. What's she mean about your dad?'

'It's no secret my dad's a dick Drue, let's leave it at that.'

'And her dad's a con? That's pretty funny. I mean not for her,' he looks momentarily sheepish, 'but in a whole Romeo and Juliet kinda way, you know son of the Sheriff, daughter of the town convict. That's like a romance novel or something.'

'This,' I gesture to myself and the hospital, and my bald head and my cancer ridden body, 'this isn't a romance novel.'

'So pedantic,' Drue is unfazed and I guess that's one of the reasons I like him, 'it's cute.'

'She's cute,' I clarify and Drue chuckles.

'She's hot,' he clarifies.

'That too.'

'She doesn't even mean to talk dirty and it's sexy,' he tells me unnecessarily.

'It's those eyes of hers, always looking at me and telling me how much she wants it.'

'Ugh Pace. Your sex life from her point of view is hot, from you it's just ugh.'

'You're a dick,' I mutter and snatch my letter off him.

'She wants you though,' he mimics my tone and shoots me a mischievous look from under his heavy brow, 'she really wants you.'

* * *

I'm sent home that afternoon and I have an unusual evening alone. I'm not sure my family know I'm home or one of my siblings would be over checking on me. I order sushi and eat it before I write to Joey;

_Dear Joey,_

_I love you. I still love you even after three months. Everything you write makes me love you more, so no, you aren't "too much." I love that you see a future for us and I hope we have an opportunity to see what that would be like. I'm not sure I could share my debts with you, but I do agree with the principal you laid out. I think that relationships work best when you agree to be in it completely. That said, we can always talk more about that. You spent a week with me. I can't ask or expect anything of you._

_I cannot wait to see photo's of the stable. I'm also all for the naked photos as well. Huge surprise I'm sure. You could always try your hand at a little porn writing. I mean you're an amazing writer, so with a little imagination and our experiences together...I'm about ready to combust without you around, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't take a lot. Just the thought if you pushing down onto me makes me hard. I'm so easy. For you only. I should let you know my ex has been in to see me a couple of times. She's in my face a little but all I do is go on about you. It really pisses her off. I have a photo Jack gave me of you that I take everywhere. She glares at that photo. Audrey, a nurse I work with, she's been offering me pity sex, needless to say I'm not interested in that. I have my memories of you and I'm good with that. I only want sex with you. I'm just letting you know your boyfriend is highly desirable and one hundred percent faithful. Anyway, back to the naked photos, I'll send you a checkered shirt photo if you sent me one of you naked, on the bed, and I want to be able to see you, to imagine I'm there. _

_Ok, so I digress into the gutter, but you're gorgeous, and I miss you. I feel that this romantic letter writing thing is good, but I still feel it's not enough. However, the thought of you having to care for me, it twists me up inside, like you shouldn't have to do that, our relationship shouldn't be that. Does that make sense?_

_I love you entirely,_

_Pacey xxxxxx._

I walk to the local post office and post my letter. Thinking of Joey I stop by the store and buy some fresh fruit and a loaf of brown bread, as well as a bunch of flowers. I pretend they're for her, that I'm heading home, and that I've just finished a shift at the hospital rather than intensive chemo. It's a nice fantasy, a nice daydream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to MsPurchase for the reviews - feedback means a lot. 1trueluv - what do you think? Something a little different. **

**Please review. I can take criticism but if you read it and you enjoy it let me know! Thanks Tab :-)**

**Chapter Five **

Joey writes back quickly. I've noticed that our back and forth is picking up pace and I hope that it doesn't decline. I think we both took a little time to accept that this would work, that writing to one another was something we both wanted. Her letter arrives on a good day. I've been feeling a little better, and though I'm still ridiculously tired, the nausea isn't as overwhelming as it has been. I'm at home with Doug, Anna and Gretchen. Drue is planning to call through later but I'm actually thankful he isn't there when the postie finally makes it to my door and her letter arrives.

'Pacey,' Gretchen yells at me. I'm in the kitchen making pancakes - I might be on deaths door but my siblings still expect me to cook, 'love letter.'

At those magic words a literal wave of desire crashes over me. It is true that my treatment has dampened my sex drive. Mainly because I'm too sick to be turned on, and let's face it, Joey isn't here. But the thought of the photographs that might just be enclosed in that envelope, the thought of the words she might say, well I'm forced to stand nonchalantly in the kitchen to hide the effect of the possibility of what might be in that envelope. Gretchen shoves the envelope onto the breakfast bar with a smirk of amusement, as if she knows why I'm hiding.

'Oh is this a letter from your girlfriend?' Anna coos as she comes to sit at the breakfast bar. With two of my three siblings now sat staring at me I can't open the damn letter in case it contains what I desperately hope it contains.

'Yes,' I grump as I pour them coffee, still not able to even take the smell of it I push it well onto their side of the bar. I stare at the envelope wondering if it has photos in it. It's certainly big enough.

'Are you gonna open it?' Gretchen pushes it towards me a little, then changes her mind and picks it up.

'_Federal offence,_' I practically yell in case she decides to open it. An image of Joey lying on her bed, her legs spread jumps into my mind and crappit but I groan and grab the letter from her.

'I think that letter perhaps contains more than love,' Anna snarks and finally Doug joins them,

'Nah, it just contains _all_ types of love,' he states knowingly.

'Actually we all have no damn clue what it contains because I haven't opened it,' I state wishing they'd all fuck off.

'I think I know what you hope it contains,' Gretchen teases and I must burn bright red.

'Fine,' I grumble because really I need to read my letter. 'I'm going for a lie down. I'm tired, you guys can finish making breakfast and call me when your done,' I figure if I edge along the breakfast bar and turn down the hall to my room I should make it with noone witnessing the effect a letter has on me.

Somehow I make it to my room, ignoring the sound of my siblings laughing. I shut and lock my door and go sit on my bed. Staring at the envelope I open it and pull out everything inside. The letter is there, but there are also five photos. I almost can't bare to look at them because I want to so badly. It's a weird push, pull sensation. A strong desire to see, but also enjoyment of all the potential I hold in my hand. But I'm human and in love so I look. The first picture is of the stable. It's beautiful, with a high vaulted ceiling. I can almost smell the fresh wood. The second picture is of an area she's cleared as a paddock. The third picture is a selfie. I know she hates them because she told me so, but who else could she get to take a picture like this. She's in her underwear, I don't care because it's beautiful and so is she. She's lying on the bed and I can see the curve of her chest and the hint of black lace between her legs. It's fucking hot and I have my hand on myself before I've even looked at the next picture. The next picture she's naked. I mean it's artsy because let's face it, everything Joey does has an element of class to it. She doesn't do tacky and that's no bad thing. I can see her chest and a little of what's between her legs and it's enough. I come in about three seconds and I come hard. Thank god I didn't open the letter in the kitchen. The pictures are beautiful, seeing her gorgeous and exposed for me makes me feel warm inside. She must love me even though she hasn't said it like I have. I haven't let that worry me. I don't imagine she's said those words to anyone. Taking a deep breath I reach for my tissues and I clean up. It's actually a relief to feel like I'm whole again. I put the two kinky pictures into my top drawer into a zipped pouch with her letters in it that I take to hospital with me whenever I go, then I look at the last picture. I imagine Jen or Jack took it, because she's coming out of the water in her black bikini. It's gorgeous and it's sexy in a different way to the other pictures. I turn it over as I can she an indentation of pen.

_Not exactly naked but Jen gave it to me and said I had to send it to you. xxxx_

I love it, and instantly put it in my book so every time I open it she will be looking at me. Then I finally pick up my letter.

_Dear Pacey,_

_I feel as though the tone of our letters is disintegrating into the gutter. Funnily enough I'm just fine with that, you see I think it means we should see one another soon. I understand why we probably won't, but I want to tell you that I hate not seeing you. I loathe it. Your letters make me laugh but they are no substitute for having you beside me as we laugh together. My hand and thoughts of you can make me come but it is not that same as being with you. Not at all. I miss you, the whole of you and I think our letters will hopefully contain what we need for now, but perhaps not quite enough for forever._

_I hope you like the photos. I was very nervous about sending them because all you hear on the internet is why it is a really, really bad idea to ever send naked photos of yourself to anyone, but I liked them and I trust you. As for talking dirty, that's harder, because I have to get over myself. Suffice to say I have no difficulty in thinking dirty, of thinking of your face between my legs, or sitting on top of you and taking all of you inside me. Thinking is fine. I think about your face when you come, the way you grip onto me and hold me onto you. _

_Anyway, before I end up naked in my room doing things to myself I wish you were doing, I'm going to finish this letter. Tell me more about your family. I would like to know more about all of them. I feel like I know something of Doug and Gretchen, something of your father and mother but next to nothing about Anna and Kerry. I miss you and the stories you tell me help me feel like we are still together, that we are perhaps having conversations we may have had if we were together. On that score I will tell you that I am babysitting Alex and Rebecca next weekend. Given your natural affinity and ability with kids I wish you were here to help. I figure we'll swim and paddle and work on the stable though my house and Rebecca do not always see eye to eye. The last time she was here she disappeared. Luckily she was under Bessie's care when the incident occurred. I found her curled up asleep in the canoe after a fretful half hour. Bodie is planning to build her a giant outdoor playpen. Bessie is all for a piece of string around her ankle and a stake. Alex and I are going to practice team work and as a reward we'll go see the horses we're considering. I have Alex and Rebecca for two nights and three days whilst Bes and Bodie go and see his family. We will build fires, toast marshmallows, go for hikes and watch films. Despite my apprehension I am actually looking forward to it and let's face it Bodie and Bessie deserve time alone. _

_Anyway, on that note I will leave you but I wish I didn't have to. I want to see you Pace and you owe me a photo,_

_Love Joey xxxx_

It's an amazing letter, and I fold it up. After removing her previous letter from my shirt pocket and putting it in the zipped pouch in my bedside table, I put the new letter into the pocket next to my heart. Then I grab the bikini shot from my book and head back out to the living room, clutching the three suitable photos which I give to Anna,

'Thats the stable Joey's building and that's Joey,' I say.

'Pace, you have a photo of her everywhere you go,' Anna gives me a look, then looks at the photo of Joey she's holding, 'though I now see that you're going to be moving to Colorado,' she smirks.

'Gimme that,' Doug says and takes the picture letting out a low whistle.

'And that wasn't even the best picture,' I smirk and Anna pees herself laughing, whilst Gretchen grins broadly.

'I'm sure shy Joey Potter would be thrilled with you sharing that,' Doug admonishes me. It's true. Gretchen takes the photo and turns it over laughing at the writing.

'Well you don't know exactly what she sent,' I say, 'and you also wouldn't upset your dying brothers girlfriend by letting it slip that he accidentally boasted about some stunningly beautiful, but decidedly personal photos he requested and she sent.'

'She really does want to fulfil your every fantasy,' Gretchen muses.

'She isn't a pushover,' I'm about to say it but the words actually come from Doug. 'She's a total softy but she's hard as nails when she needs to be...well that's what Jack said.'

'And when would she need to be as hard as nails?' Gretchen rolls her eyes, 'I mean she's a country girl.'

'You are so deluded,' I mutter, 'her dad's a con, her mom died, she was raised by her unmarried sister who was pregnant by a black guy. I imagine Jack witnessed her being hard as nails plenty. Last time he was here he told me that this guy, back in high school offered Joey a lift in his car. He then decided to spread it about that she slept with him. She and Jen then proceeded to tell the entire school she was pregnant. The shit hit that kid. Full retraction and respect was what she got. Another time she was almost suspended for knocking out the quarterback for making sexist comments.'

'Well then, I like her already,' Anna gives me an approving look.

'Her dad's an excon? Does our father know that?' Gretchen asks with obvious amusement and I shake my head my mood souring quickly,

'Like dad even knows she exists,' I mutter.

'Well did you tell him?' Gretchen asks and I stare at her hard for a moment, forgetting that it's not her fault,

'He hasn't visited me yet and feeling like I'm about to drop down dead hasn't exactly spirited my feet to his front door.'

'Fucking bastard,' Anna mutters.

'He claims he doesn't know what to say, that "the kid" won't want him there,' Doug says and Gretchen fumes,

'Well I'm glad Joey's dad's an ex con, at least that's one in his face.'

'Technically if he's still in jail that makes him a con,' I say and Gretchen rolls her eyes,

'Our father is truly someone who aught not to have had kids,' she says.

'Well maybe just not the fifth one,' I mumble, 'I mean maybe this cancer is the universes way of trying to rectify that error.'

'That's bullshit Pacey,' Gretchen fumes but I shrug, because really that's what it feels like sometimes, like the universe realizes I shouldn't be here, that dad and everyone else would be happier without me. Rationally i know I'm a little depressed or a lot depressed, but sometimes it feels like I wasn't supposed to be here and thus my time will be limited. Perhaps it's a way I rationalize this situation to myself, because all that I've done in life, all the efforts I've made to be something, it was all a little futile in the end. Cancer and depression are closely linked, I know that better than anyone, but my fathers complete disinterest in his dying child chills me to the core.

'Why else would that man stay away when I'm dying?' I ask, 'I mean Doug comes out and dads there, you get your fancy new journalism job and dad takes you out for dinner, Anna I know he calls you up, talks you up with his friends for being the big shot lawyer. Even Kerry and the kids make him proud. She and Matt have trouble and dad opens up the house to her. Let's face it dad has never been proud of me. He never wanted me and he has made if clear that he has no peace to make with me, that if I die he won't miss me.'

'Pace,' Doug puts a hand on my shoulder but for me it's too much and I shuck him off.

'Oh it's fine. I know rationally what Joey said is true. He's not not proud of me, but does he have to be such a giant asshole?'

'You should go and see Joey,' Gretchen says after a few moments of silence and I respond in a very grown up manner and head to my room so I can look at my photos and pretend like it doesn't bother me that my moms seen me once since I got back to Boston and my dad hasn't even called me. I can't manage to pretend that I don't miss Joey.

* * *

My sisters leave at some point and Doug comes into my room. He doesn't even bother to knock. I put my photos back in my drawer. If I were to let anyone see them it would be Doug, but I like that they're just for me, that they are like a secret between Joey and I. And she trusted me. I love that she trusts me.

'Pace,' he sits on the bed.

'Doug,' I say with an equally serious tone.

'Dad does love you,' his voice is soft, coaxing.

'I have absolutely no desire to talk about dad.'

'Then let's talk about you,' he attempts.

'What about me?'

'I think Joey was good for you, is good for you. I'm not sure why you have this notion in your head that you can't be together. Like she said, tarnish happens to all good things.'

'She's good with words,' I reply, 'I mean she makes me believe it could be ok, but we're not talking a little tarnish here. I think I'm going to die Dougy. I mean I really think I will. If I die now it breaks her heart but if I invite her in, if I allow her access to this, to me, to sharing a life, I alter her life completely. She's young and I'm not sure it's right to have that huge an impact on her.'

'Have you ever felt this way before?' Doug's not leading me but asking an open question, so I answer honestly.

'No. Not with Tamara, not with Andie, no.'

'So you feel like there's something, something different about you and Joey?'

'Yeah I do,' I nod, 'it's like it just works.'

'And you know that after one week together and a few months of writing?'

'I knew it after an hour,' I admit.

'And how does she feel?'

'Aaah the million dollar question,' I say and Doug bumps his shoulder against mine,

'Pace.'

'I think she loves me. I know she trusts me. She wants to be with me, she says that she misses me and wishes we were together. She hasn't said the words though. But she slept with me,' I try to explain.

'I don't mean sex Pacey,' Doug frowns but I let out a small laugh,

'You miss the point Doug - she's only ever slept with me,' I say, secretly a little thrilled to share this with someone, anyone.

'Aaah I see.'

'But no words.'

'Would it be different if she said the words? If she was, I don't know, "all in?"' Doug stares at me and I thank the Lord that my parents managed to produce me such decent siblings.

'Maybe,' I admit. 'But still, it feels a little much to burden her with.'

'This might come as a shock to you but I could tell within three seconds of seeing you with that girl that she would never see you as a burden. She may not have said the words but she adores you.'

'I miss her,' I admit and Doug pulls me in for a brotherly hug.

'I miss your hot friend,' he says and I find myself laughing.

* * *

_Dear Joey,_

_So, hmmm, how do I put this without it sounding lewd? Ok, there is no other way to put it - those photos were better than anything I have ever received ever. They were even better than the first Victoria's Secret catalogue I stole from Anna's empty bedroom back when I was thirteen. I don't like to admit to getting myself off with them, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Ok, so it's frequently unavoidable, but you're sexy and I love you and I miss you. Let's just say I look at them often and when I'm too sick for the effects of looking at them, well I keep them close to me and look at you in your black bikini instead. Of course the effect of that photo can also be a little embarrassing if I'm in public and I let my mind wonder. Luckily my friend Jack has sent me many photos. The black bikini photo sits in a frame by my bed wherever I go. The enclosed photo - what can I say about it. Anna is pretty artsy, especially for a lawyer and she's always been big into photography. She set up that photo to hide my chubby steroid face, and to basically hide my cancer. I'm wearing the checked shirt though. _

_So Anna is my oldest sister and she's cool. She left home when I was twelve so I only have early childhood memories with her. She lives in Boston and she's my mom's favourite child. Dad's is Doug, though I think that swings back and forth between he and Gretchen. My family takes dysfunction to new levels. Well, compared to yours maybe not, but we pretend to be a happy family. I told you all about dad, but what I didn't tell you is that he hasn't been to see me since I came back to Boston, since I have been sick. He hasn't called either. My mom came over one day with my brothers favourite dinner but she hasn't been back since. My mom still doesn't quite believe I'm a doctor. She doesn't really listen. I can't pretend my parents indifference doesn't hurt because it does. But I don't have the effort to call them on it, to try and resolve differences between us when I don't even know where their indifference comes from. Why have me if they didn't want me? _

_Enough of that it's too depressing. Kerry is my other sister. I didn't tell you much about her. She's a nice person, quieter than the others, less sassy, less cocky. She's utterly swamped by the three kids and a loud, slightly obnoxious husband. She's nice though, really nice. She can't make it to see me as often but she's always sending me links to this and that, craft projects in the post, anything she sees that she thinks will help distract me, she sends. I feel like we neglect Kerry a little. She had the kids and the husband all before she was twenty two and she seemed so self sufficient with her new family. She probably needs us all more than we think. _

_I have to tell you Jo, that I'm pretty down. The only time I feel happy is when I'm reading your letters or looking at your pictures. The truth is I'm plagued by dark thoughts. I feel that my medical friends have accepted I'll die because the statistics are in that corner. My siblings are so over supportive and I can't even feel warm inside over that. I love them, I don't know where I'd be without them, but my parents complete and utter indifference - it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what crime I committed that warrants how they feel about me. I'm their son but it feels like I might as well be a teenager. It feels wrong to say it to you, but are you ever too old to need your mom? Or your dad for that matter? I know you have neither so I feel like a selfish bastard for complaining, but surely if they're there and they're able they aught to parent the kids they have? And doesn't that include love and emotional support when one of those kids has cancer and might be dead soon? I'm sorry for venting, but it's you I want to see, you who seems to get it. Even if you don't always say the right things, you never say the wrong things and somehow I always feel better. _

_I'm not sure I can stay away much longer. If I manage to regrow eyelashes I will consider breaking down and begging you for company._

_Love Pacey.'_

* * *

Joey doesn't take long to write me back. It's a ridiculously short letter but when I've read it I press it to my heart, well I press it to my heart before I start to cry.

'_Dear Pacey,_

_I love you whether you have eyelashes or not,_

_Love Joey.'_

'What's wrong?' Gretchen is by my side in a second as I press my fists into my eye sockets, the letter on my lap. 'Fuck Pace, what happened?' I'm crying gut wrenching sobs because this is all so fucking unfair and crying is about the only retaliation I have. She obviously puts two and two together because she picks up the letter and reads it. Her whole face softens and she gives me a rough hug,

'Stop torturing yourself Pacey and go see her. You don't have any treatment for a month, you're in pretty good shape and she clearly doesn't care about the eye lashes.'

'I have a fear,' I admit and Gretchen frowns, 'that I won't be what she remembers. That she won't be what I remember.'

'So go find out,' Gretchen shrugs.

'But she's getting me through this. The thought of her.'

'And your dumb man heart is breaking because you're not ever with her.'

'But...'

'Look Pace - she's not perfect. I'm telling you now that she isn't. She'll be a bitch at some point, or she'll look a little rough one day, she'll have the ability to irritate you. You know, she's real and I'm pretty sure that's why you like her.'

'Probably,' I admit thinking about what Gretchen has said. It's true I think of Joey as perfect. It's also true that she could be so stubborn in an argument that I'd become all irate and frustrated. Of course, the end of every argument was awesome. But I know that can't always be true.

'Go see her. I'll get your ipad and you can message her. I'm presuming she has a computer and that the old fashioned writing thing is just some romantic thing you two have going on?'

'Don't diss the letter writing,' I hug my letter to my chest and Gretchen laughs.

'Ok,' she rummages in my office and returns with my ipad. I turn it on and go to messages. Jack put all of Joey's info into my phone, my ipad and my computer. I open up a new message to her and hesitate. Then I type:

**Pacey**: I got your letter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks as ever to those who take time to review (MsPurchase and 1trueluv in particular). It spurns me on to write more. There is a direct link between feedback and motivation! **

**That said, I am away in a wifi free zone, no 3G, just me and my kids and a tent, so I probably won't post another update for a few days. I will be back though so please review!**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter Six**

After I send the text to Joey I wait. It takes twenty agonizing minutes for her to respond. Twenty minutes where I check my ipad repeatedly as I pretend to listen to Gretchen, who is wittering on about something or other. I can't even think clearly enough to be sorry about my complete lack of interest. At last my ipad screen lights up and I pull it onto my lap, my heart racing and my stomach doing this nervous twisting thing.

**Joey**: Wow a text - this is new! I should tell you I love you more often.

**Pacey**: Please do.

**Joey**: I love you

**Pacey**: Would you be opposed to me visiting?

**Joey**: I'd never be opposed to that. Visit me as soon as possible.

**Pacey**: Are you free if I arrange to fly today or tomorrow?

**Joey**: For you I'm always free. I'll have a little bit of writing to do like before.

**Pacey**: Before was perfect.

**Joey**: I think you should know that I have a ridiculous smile all over my face.

**Pacey**: So do I. My sister seems to think I'm mad.

I snap a picture of Gretch making a face at me and send it to Joey.

**Joey**: Your whole family seems to be ridiculously good looking.

**Pacey**: We've learnt to cope.

**Joey**: So droll Mr Witter

**Pacey**: I'm going to try and book a flight if you're sure?

**Joey**: Book it now! The sooner the better. Please be here soon.

**Pacey**: Will do

I flick off messages and head to flight centre. A flight leaves tonight so I look at Gretchen,

'If I book a flight could you drive me to the airport in an hour?'

'Seriously?' Gretchen grins.

'Yeah seriously.'

'Hell yeah,' her smile grows even wider as I click on the relevant flight, and pay whatever the cost, filling in all my information.

**Pacey**: I arrive in Denver at seven tonight. I can pick up a rental car.

**Joey**: Like hell you will. I'll be there. Early. Impatient.

**Pacey**: Thats my girl! Love you

**Joey**: Love you.

I get to my feet and start to panic. Heading through to my room I grab my back pack and shove in the Ipad and my charger. I pull out clean boxers, shorts and a few tshirts and my old checked shirts I've so recently started re-wearing. My iPhone pings and I look at it instead of my ipad which I packed.

**Joey**: Pants and sweaters, maybe been a coat. It's still hot but when it turns it can be quick.

**Pacey**: I'll just add some to my bag:-) xxxx

**Joey**: And checked shirts... ;-)

**Pacey**: Already in!

**Joey**: xxxxxxxx

I quickly add jeans, sweaters and some cargo pants to the bag. Next I bundle in all my meds and then ring the hospital and ask them to fax Jack a copy of my records. He'll be able to sort me out if needed. I shoot Jack off a text before jumping through the shower in a record five minutes. I try not to care what clothes I throw on, but they're all clean. A pair of dark cargo shorts, a black tshirt and a dark checked shirt. I pull on my cap, as always self conscious of my chemo bald head.

'Looking hot,' Gretchen teases when I'm finally ready.

'Really?' God I'm so needy.

'Really,' her eyes soften. 'You really like this girl?'

'I really love this girl.'

'Then come on,' she grabs my hand as I pull the bag onto my shoulder.

* * *

The wait at the airport, security, the flight - they all take too long. I'm simultaneously nervous and crazy excited. I don't know what I'll do when I see her again. I can't help but feel it might be weird or awkward which would be really hard to take considering how my heart rather determinedly feels about her.

Exiting the plane with my luggage in hand I pretty much barge to the front of the crowd, not even sure where this uncancer like energy is coming from. Of course when I see her waiting I know exactly where it's coming from. She's wringing her hands together looking kinda nervous. Her hair is down. It's never normally down but it looks gorgeous, in flowing mocha waves. She's dressed simply, a plain black skirt, flip flops and a pretty pale pink top. Oh my god but she is beautiful. She is utterly, utterly gorgeous and I don't think about anything except getting to her and wrapping my arms around her.

'Pacey,' she gasps my name before we're kissing like the worlds going to end, her hands at the nape of my neck. My cap falls off, my bags are dropped and I don't care at all, just hold her tighter and kiss her. Why the fuck was I worried about a lack of eye lashes? Her tongue is warm in my mouth and her hands are still at my neck, her fingers moving gently as if caressing the hair at the nape of my neck that is no longer there.

'I missed you,' I groan into her kiss and she places kisses all over my face.

'You're here,' she presses her head against my chest and we stand like that for several minutes.

'Can we go home?' I ask and she looks up at me and smiles.

'Yeah,' she bends down and picks up my cap. Standing in front of me she pulls it back onto my head and stares at me. 'I really missed you,' she says and she has such beautiful eyes, such an innocent face that we end up kissing all over again.

'Come on missy. I have about a million things I'd like to be doing with you right now, and they all occur at home.'

I say that, but the main thing I'm thinking of actually occurs in her car. We load in my bag and then get in. We look at each other and then she's clambering carefully on top of me, our mouths fused and our hands insistent. My hands dive under her skirt and with no room to manoeuvre I thank whatever power may be that she decided to wear her bikini bottoms, and I tug at the strings so I can pull them off. She moans which has me lifting my ass to push down my shorts until she's hot and wet and sliding onto me. I curse and use my hands to help her move in the awkwardly confined space.

'And I was concerned things might be awkward,' I say and she laughs,

'Just a little,' she quips and rocks her hips into me.

'This is gonna be over way too quick,' I warn her as I feel my body tightening.

'Don't need long,' she moans again and I move my hand between us because in about thirty seconds tops I'll be coming. She starts to groan and it's the worlds best sound, especially when she she let's out a low keening noise as she comes. Everything in her body contracts around mine until I'm bucking up into her and my orgasm rips through me, my whole body elated. My hands hold her hips firmly to mine even though we're both done. She presses her face into my neck.

'We should have waited until we got home,' she whispers, 'because I don't want to move at all.'

'Hotel?' I ask and she frowns,

'Bed bugs,' she says back and I laugh.

'Huh?'

'I'm a freaking nut about bed bugs, the thought of them makes me itch. I can't stay anywhere without researching it thoroughly.'

'So you'd rather go home?'

'Yeah. I want you in my bed.'

'I'd rather go home too,' I tell her honestly and she smiles. 'You bed bug freak.'

'Seriously, look them up online and you'll soon be as freaky as me.'

'I could never be as freaky as you,' I tease and she rolls her eyes,

'Watch it Witter.'

'Hmmm,' I squeeze her ass and press my face against her boobs. It's the best place on earth. 'I'm so happy to be here.'

'I'm so happy you're here.'

'Even looking like a potato?' I ask and she laughs. She pulls my hat from my bald head and appraises me.

'Maybe a boiled potato,' she says at length and I frown, 'because you're so damn hot,' she clarifies and I begin to laugh.

'You are kidding?' I pinch her cheeks and she shakes her head no.

'You look like you. I think you're gorgeous. You are, and always have been, the most attractive man I've ever met.'

'You have met Jack, right?' I give her a look because let's face it - Jack is gorgeous.

'You're about a million times more attractive,' she says easily and moves off of me pulling her skirt down as she shimmies across to the drivers seat. I pull up my shorts and pull on my seat belt. She looks at me as she starts the car, 'you don't think you're all that great do you?' she's staring at me, like she's looking right through me. I look down at my hands and cough to hide the tension I feel,

'I'm not great at all,' I say not sure why I'm revealing this to the girl I love.

'I think you need to meet someone whilst you're here,' she says and I wonder who.

'Who?' I ask and she smiles,

'The Pacey I see. The one Jack sees, even Jen. You better not doubt yourself because I'm telling you now, you're mine and you're staying that way. I'm not having insecurities and false opinions of yourself taking you away from me. I can be a little possessive,' she gives me a look as she drives out of the parking lot. My heart warms at her possessive words. The fact that she thinks so much of me makes me like myself a little more.

'I'm yours?' I tease and she blushes.

'Yes,' she says simply and I grin.

'I like being yours,' I say and she grins back.

'I'm really glad you came,' she says and so I reach across and take her hand.

'Gretchen was there when I read your last letter,' I admit and she shoots me a small smile. 'She told me that I was being a dumbass.'

'I like the sound of your sister.'

'She's a smart mouth,' I say and Joey gives me a look. 'Hey, I'm not a smart mouth.'

'Nah, not at all,' she rolls her eyes.

'I've always had the tendency to keep talking even when I really aught to shut up.'

'It works for me. I've always had the tendency to shut up when I really aught to be talking.'

'Unless you're mad,' I say and she shoots me a look,

'Well yeah, unless I'm mad,' she smiles at me and I smile back, then I reach across and rub her shoulder,

'Tell me Potter, you ever considered getting a dog?'

'You're adding dog to your fantasy list now? The stable isn't even quite finished,' she looks at me and I give her a gregarious grin.

'I don't know, there's something about this truck that calls for a dog to be lolling in the back.'

'Dogs smell,' she doesn't look impressed with my latest idea, 'especially when they've been in the water. And let's face it, any dog of ours is going to be in the water almost constantly.' I smile at her warmly because her constant use of "_ours_" makes me warm inside.

'But they're cute.'

'You're cute,' she says dismissively.

'Big ones smell less than little ones,' I attempt and she laughs,

'I'm not getting a dog. Let's see how we do with the horse.'

'When do we get the horse? When I'm here?'

'Ned should be finished with the stable by Thursday which means we can pick up Fido on the weekend.'

'Fido?' my scowl must say it all. She gives me a cheeky grin.

'Don't tell me you want to call it something lame like _Lightening, Thunder _or _Beauty_.'

'Well no...I was thinking more along the lines of _Mr Ed_.'

'Wow, what a crazy imagination. Don't be too original,' she shakes her head at me and I smirk because she's cute and it feels so good to back with her.

'Ok Ms Author extraordinaire. Forget Fido and come up with a really good name for a horse.'

'Hmmm,' she looks at the road ahead and bites her bottom lip. Fuck but that turns me on. I adjust my shorts and wait, my hand creeping to the edge of her skirt.

'Boris,' she announces triumphantly and I laugh because it's utterly ridiculous.

'Fido it is,' I say and she mock glares at me, before pressing a hand to my hand on her thigh.

'Don't distract me Pacey,' she warns, 'we'll be home quicker if we don't crash.'

'Spoil sport,' I dive my hand under her skirt and up her silky thigh, before brushing along soft wet folds that have me groaning loudly.

'Pacey,' she mewls and the truck swerves.

'Sorry,' I say and she looks at me with dilated eyes. I move my hand reluctantly wishing she lived nearer Denver.

* * *

We drive home in a record two hours, talking, flirting and laughing. She is as wonderful as I remember but I love her more than I remember. I'm utterly crazy for her and how easy everything is between us, how effortless our friendship is. She parks the truck and it's as though my whole body breathes with relief at being back at her place. I jump out of the truck and stare at the perfect house, jogging round to her side so I can open the door and pull her into my arms. I shut the truck door and press her against it, my body pressed along hers.

'Whilst the idea of you fucking me here is really appealing, so is the idea of being in my nice bed on cool sheets with my mouth on you,' she looks down between us, at my rather obvious arousal, that seems to respond enthusiastically to her words.

'Hmmm,' I concur but find I can't stop my lips seeking hers, my hands finding that sliver of skin between her top and skirt, 'you're so beautiful,' I tell her as I rub against her, my hands roving down her sides and up her skirt to her bare ass.

'Pace,' she moans and her hands are at my shorts, pushing them down until her hand is grasped around me, the sensation to great to even kiss her for a moment. I recover enough to hoist her up, her legs wrapping around me as I slide blissfully inside of her. We're all hands and limbs, as I push in and out of her, her back against the truck door, and her legs around me. It's not particularly graceful but it's fucking hot, especially when we finally come, her breasts in my face from where I've tugged her bra cups down off of them.

'I love you,' I practically coo as she drops down, but I feel the effects of using so much energy and I am momentarily faint. I lean against her and breathe deeply.

'Come on,' she smiles at me and shimmies down my body, pressing a kiss to my navel before pulling up my shorts. She grabs my bag from the car and my hand and we head inside. I sit down on the sofa as soon as I can, my eyes drifting shut. I should be ashamed of my obvious weakness, my poor stamina, but I'm not. I'm just happy to be in this house, with Joey fetching water from the kitchen and then snuggling down beside me. I fall asleep within seconds.

* * *

When I awaken I'm momentarily disorientated, but then I shift, and Joey's arm tightens around me. She's lying half on me because we're on the sofa in the main living area of her house. Outside the sun is starting to make its appearance. I feel like crap, but at the same time I feel utterly wonderful for the first time since I was last here. I know I should take my medications, but my will to move out from under this beautiful girl is small. A sigh escapes me. Not of contentment unfortunately but sorrow which washes through me. I love her so much but the whole situation feels so hopeless. This poor girl who I'm wooing, adoring and loving, only to what? Die on her? So wrong. I wish I was stronger but the thought of leaving her, of ending it, of doing anything other than staying with her is just more than I can bare. I'm weak really, that's the truth. Fucking tears burn my eyes and I'm just thankful that she's asleep and can't see the tears, me feeling sorry for myself. I must hold her tighter subconsciously because she stretches a little and her eyes open. At first she smiles but then she must see my tears because she frowns. I feel a moment of panic but I should learn to trust her a little more because she presses a kiss to each of my eyelids.

'I feel a little like that at times too,' she says into my neck, kissing me between each word. 'I cried when you said you would come and see me.'

'You said you smiled,' I admonish and she gives me a look.

'I smiled but then I cried. Relief I think.'

'I couldn't risk dying without seeing you again,' I say a little darkly and she straddles my waist looking down at me, every bit the goddess I decided she was the first moment I saw her.

'Let's focus on the living and less on the dying, because I plan to hold into you very firmly.'

'Please do,' I say and she gives me a small smile.

'Come on, let's get up. I'll make coffee and a fruit salad. I have berries coming out of my ears.'

I sit up and peer into her ears,

'All clean,' I tease and she rolls her eyes like I'm crazy.

'I can tell you feel like crap so sit there like lord muck and I'm going to sort out breakfast,' she gives me a stern look and I'm about to protest because this is what I didn't want to do - burden her with looking after me but she carries on talking, 'you of course can turn that risotto rice I have in my cupboard into something delicious for lunch.'

'Sounds like an excellent plan,' I say and wrap my arms around her.

'You actually have to let me go,' she says and I laugh,

'You know you're right - I do feel like crap. But I also feel so good, just so, so good to be here with you.'

'Well yeah,' she says flushing. It's the sweetest thing. She wriggles out of my arms and off of me. She heads out the back door pulling the screen door into place behind her. Obviously the Mosquitos are more abundant than they were. She returns ten minutes later with a basket full of berries. I watch her as she heads to the kitchen and begins to wash them. She looks down at her shirt ruefully because it's covered in berry juice. She pulls it over her head and continues making breakfast and coffee in her skirt and bra. When my memory informs me that she isn't wearing anything under the skirt I consider ignoring the nausea and headache and sidling up behind her. Groaning at the thought I reach for my back pack and pull out a dozen bottles of pills. Joey sees what I'm doing and brings over a fresh glass of water.

'Let these pills kick in and I won't be able to leave you alone,' I tell her letting my eyes rove across her,

'Charmer,' she tosses at me before returning to the kitchen and rummaging in the fridge before pulling out some Greek yogurt. I arch my eyebrows at that, 'like I said I've been going to town more often.'

'Talking of town, I told Jack I was coming.'

'I told him you're all mine until tomorrow,' she states and sticks out her tongue at me. It's such a silly gesture that I laugh. She grabs two bowls full of yogurt and berries and brings them over to the coffee table, then returns for the two mugs of coffee,

'Oh crap,' I say and she flinches,

'What?'

'I forgot to tell you I can't drink coffee any more. Well in all honesty I momentarily forgot that I can't drink it.'

'Peppermint tea?' she asks without missing a beat.

'Yeah, but after breakfast,' I insist.

'I guess your stomach is a little sensitive?'

'Coffee and spicy food seem to cause huge amounts of throwing up so I tend to just avoid them.'

'No kidding,' she mutters sarcastically. 'Well I just so happen to grow mint and lemongrass and they are awesome to make tea with. Hmmm, especially ice tea.'

'Wow, homemade peppermint tea. I wish I could stay forever.'

'So do I,' she says plucking a raspberry from her bowl and popping it into her mouth. Again I have a rush of desire for her that's totally at odds with how awful I'm feeling. I pull her legs up onto my lap and reach for my own bowl. I eat slowly though because of how I'm feeling. She doesn't comment when I leave over half of my breakfast, merely sashays out of the room only to return after a minute or so. 'I'm going to go for a swim,' she says not even questioning whether I'm going too because it's obvious I'm not. 'You look like you're about to fall asleep,' she runs as a hand across my bald head, then a runs a finger down my nose. 'This is my book,' she places the book on the coffee table. 'Use the red pen liberally,' her mouth quirks up a little, 'but kindly. There's no rush,' she says softly probably because my eyes are so heavy. 'I love you,' she whispers the words next to my ear and even though I can't quite manage to open my eyes I do smile.

* * *

When I wake up the sun instantly tells me it is quite a bit later in the day, probably after lunch. I feel loads better and I desperately want Joey. The house is quiet so I head out to the deck. She looks up at me from the couch where she's writing. She puts the computer down, jumps to her feet and gives me the most genuine smile of pleasure.

'I couldn't resist touching you when I was in there so I came out here,' she admits and wraps her arms around my neck. I kiss her long and hard and she moans into my mouth, I drag us to the sofa and sit, so she's in the same position she was the first time we had sex. Just the thought sends jolts of electric pleasure through me. She seems to get it completely because she moans loudly and rocks against me.

It's different to that first time because that first time we didn't know sex with one another. It was heady and exciting because it was the first time. This, this recreation, is just as needy but we know each other better and I guess Joey knows herself better. She moves my shorts down impatiently as I pull the strings that hold her bikini together and then I'm finally inside of her. She rocks on top of me with more certainty, with more confidence and it's totally erotic because she got the confidence in part from me, from feeling comfortable with me.

'I love you,' I practically growl as she rocks down onto me again, and I love the way her eyes flutter shut from the sensation. She always comes quickly on top, but I use my fingers to help her anyway, because touching her makes me feel alive and I'm not knocking that at the moment. I can tell she's close, and so am I. I want us to come together, so I work to that end, focussing on how fucking insanely good it feels, the slope of her breast, the way they move as she moves up and down, and how I can see myself disappearing inside her if I look between us.

'Pacey,' she cries out my name as I thrust up into her and then I'm coming and so is she and the feeling of her contracting around me as I come is pretty mind blowing.

'I love you,' I growl the words again, this time into a sloppy kiss, holding her as close as is humanly possible.

'Mmmmm,' she moans softly into my neck, 'I love you too.'

'I don't want to move ever,' I say and she laughs in my ear,

'We're not alone here,' she says and I blush furiously.

'What?'

'Hear that hammering?' she asks and of course I do hear the hammering now she says it. 'Ned and a kid from town, Ray, are finishing off the stable. Don't worry, they didn't see or hear us,' she's still on top of me. I'm still in her and even after learning that there's people at the side of the house I don't care.

'I'd kind of like to see the stable,' I say and she grins but doesn't move because my hands are holding her firmly on top of me. She contracts her inner walls and I feel it. 'Hmmm,' I groan softly and she slips off of me, retrieving her bikini bottoms and tying them on as I pull my shorts back up. She ties a sarong on and holds out a hand,

'Shall we go look and then make risotto together?'

'Yeah. I'm actually kind of hungry.'

'Good,' she says and I slip my hand into hers. That feeling of peace that accompanies holding her hand will never get old. She smiles at me and we walk around to the side of the house where the stable is being built under the shade of the trees. She's also cleared an area for a paddock. Everything has of course been beautifully done. She introduces me to Ned who shakes my hand and eyes my cancer ridden form warily. He seems mighty fond of Joey and is not the fifty year old man of my imagination but a guy around my age, maybe a couple of years older and clearly fit as a fiddle, unlike me. Joey clearly doesn't notice the way Ned looks at her and our clasped hands and her sex mussed hair. She's thankfully oblivious to anything but me. I feel suddenly extremely lucky, because another girl may have seen Ned with his handsome face and strong body, and his proximity and taken up with him, but not Joey, who was waiting for something - apparently me. Joey chatters on with him about this and that, showing me everything, but in the end all I'm truly interested in is her, and the way her eyes shine as she makes my idle fantasy come true.

* * *

Three weeks with Joey pass quickly, much more quickly than time has been passing, and much more enjoyably. I read her book which I adore, the margins merely filled with my loving musings of how utterly wonderful she is, how beautiful she is and how much I love her. We make love a lot, but when I don't feel great we lie together in her bed, her body close to mine and it's almost as good. We spend time in the water and she arranges for some old guy to come and give us riding lessons once we pick up Fido. The horse is a totally unexpected joy because he gives me something methodical to do. It takes my weakened body more time to muck out and feed him than it would Joey, but I like having something I do each day and Joey never interferes, she just let's me get on with it. Sometimes she sits and watches me, chatting idly about things. The stable is really an architectural beauty with its vaulted ceiling, a proper rack for the saddle, a place for food and a nice big stall for Fido. I love it. We both pick up riding pretty quickly and it occurs to me that we may want two horses so we can ride together, but then I remember that we may not require two horses for long.

When we're not in the stable we're out on her deck lounging together, Joey writing and me sketching pictures, a new hobby. Sometimes I doze, waking up in time for a barbecue with Jack and Jen, or a paddle in the canoe or a swim in the lake. Bessie and Bodie bring the kids over on the weekend, and the days pass in tranquil conversation and fun. Sometimes I wake up to pull Joey to me, to cover her body with my own, to feel that my body is still my own.

One afternoon as I come too from a snooze Joey is staring at me, her laptop discarded on the table. Her hair is scooped into a messy bun and she's wearing a tank and some shorts. She's beyond beautiful but she looks serious.

'Hey,' I say and sit up a little, rubbing my eyes and pulling on my cap. She crawls forward and curls up on top of me and I hug her as the sun becomes an orange ball of fire in the sky, creating a soft embrace for my whole world. With the leaves turning to an array of fire colours, the whole worlds seems warm, glowing brightly like the embers of a long burning fire.

'Can I ask you something?' We've sat in silence for so long that I'm kind of surprised when she breaks it.

'Of course,' I say but she looks at me and bites her lip. I kiss her for that.

'You may not like it,' she says when I release her.

'Joey, you're very good about taking what I'll tell you and accepting what I don't but I love you and that means you can ask anything.'

'Do you really think you're going to die? You say it a lot, and I guess I hope that it's your way of coping, that you accept the worst and hope for the best, but you're a doctor and you know things I don't, and maybe you really do know you'll die, and maybe...'

'Hey it's ok,' I say and hug her tightly.

'No it's not because you have enough to deal with without dealing with me and...'

'And nothing. You're my girlfriend. That means I'm here for you as well as the other way around. That's part of why I adore you - because you still treat me like I'm a normal boyfriend, not just a cancer patient.'

'The thing is Pace, I adore you too and I tell myself that you're sick but you will be fine. I simply do not contemplate an alternative. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without you. And then that feels so unfair because we've spent such a short amount of time together,' she says it all and I realize she's crying. I cannot stand to see her cry, my whole body revolts at the sight and wants to do literally anything to make it better. I kiss her, a long, soft kiss.

'You have me for as long as forever is,' I tell her.

'You see that. You think you're going to die,' she says and she cries harder.

'Joey, Jo,' I cup her face in her hands, 'look at me,' I plead and she does, with large tear filled eyes, 'I feel like becoming involved with you was the most selfish thing I've ever done in my entire life and the only way I can make peace with that decision is to tell myself that I've been honest with you all along, that I've never sugar coated things.'

'So you think you're going to die?' she hides her face from me.

'Yes,' I answer as honestly as I can manage but damn tears spring to my eyes, 'there is like a seventy percent chance I'll die. But that means there's a thirty percent chance I'll live and I just have absolutely no clue whether I'll manage to make it into that thirty percent because the statistics are obviously not in my favour.'

'Ok,' she takes several deep breaths and exposes her face to me once again. 'Ok, so those are the odds and this is what we definitely get?'

'Huh?' She's lost me.

'I mean that this, us together right now, well we definitely get this. If you're going to die then this is all we definitely get and everything else is bonus?'

'Yeah, I guess.'

'Ok,' she nods again. 'And time? What sort of time do we definitely get?'

'Jo, there is nothing definite,' I attempt but she tilts her head defiantly,

'I know, but I want to know what we get and what's bonus.'

'The percentages suck but we're looking at a year or two of fighting normally.'

'Well a year or two is a wide parameter. Two years is a whole one hundred percent better than one year. If one year is the worst case scenario we work to one year.'

'Then we work with one year,' I say because all this working it through is actually helpful despite being something I've shied away from.

'Ok,' she nods, 'so we each write a list. Ten things we want within a year, and at the end of the year we reassess and write another list. The lists aren't promises. We can't do that, they are merely good intentions. Things we want.'

'I like that,' I say my mind already racing. 'A bucket list.'

'Of sorts,' she nods.

'Mine will all involve you.'

'And mine will all involve you.'

'They don't have to be achievable but things you want,' I clarify thinking of her carrying my child, a thought that squeezes my heart painfully.

'Exactly,' she nods and grabs her notebook and tears us each out a sheet.

We sit in silence, our feet tangled in the middle of the couch and for a long while we both think and write.

'Do I show you my list?' I ask when it's done.

'Up to you.'

'Can I see yours?'

'Yes,' she nods and gives me a shy smile before handing me her folded piece of paper. 'This is what I want most if we only have a year,' she says.

I open her list and read:

1. Pacey with me or me with him. To be together.

2. To go sailing with you.

3. To be allowed to love you even when you're getting treatment

4. To have lots of sex with you

5. To spend Christmas together

6. To have pictures taken together

7. To go on a vacation (I made sure I have someone to take care of Fido)

8. To go riding together

9. To go camping, have a bonfire, toast marshmallows and have sex in a sleeping bag.

10. To have your baby.

'You want to have my baby?' I ask my voice gruff, 'even if you had to raise it without me?'

'I never wanted children,' she says surprising me. 'Not ever. The thought of having a baby, of being responsible for another person, well it felt like too much. My mom was gone when I needed her most and my dad wasn't there either. I used to visit my dad in prison every other year on his birthday. I still do. You can come with me if you want - I'm supposed to go next week.' She doesn't give me a chance to respond before she continues, 'so I didn't want kids. But then I met you. And I love you. The idea of having a child with you feels like something special, like the most wonderful thing. I thought about you being gone. About having that baby and not you and it would be hard, but I'd have this wonderful person who was part you and part me. Then I thought about whether I would rather I wasn't here, after all I was left as practically an orphan, but you know I love my life, I'm thankful for it. And then I got to imagining a life with your child and you.'

'I don't know whether that would even be possible,' I say, because the way she explains it means I'm not opposed to the idea.

'I thought that might be the case,' she gives me a smile, 'I just wanted to be honest.'

'I mean the likelihood will get less and less. When I'm back in Boston I'm having whole body radiation for the bone marrow transplant. It probably wouldn't even be safe now. I did freeze sperm though. In case my fertility went forever.'

'I'm not disappointed,' she says softly. 'I do understand and I didn't think it would happen, but it's now something I want.'

'It's on my list too,' I admit a little sheepishly and hand her my list which she reads in silence.

1. Be with Joey

2. Write a journal

3. Fall asleep and wake up with Joey

4. Sail the Florida keys together

5. Be able to be intimate

6. Go to Florence with Joey

7. Take Joey to meet my family

8. To see the west coast

9. Have a baby with Joey

10. Ask Joey to marry me

'I think we can manage all that,' she says simply, 'well except the baby thing, but you know... just because it can't happen this year, or even next year, or perhaps ever is actually neither here nor there.'

'It isn't?' I frown.

'Well no, because I love you with or without eyelashes, and I love you with or without a baby.'

'What about if I live and we can't have kids?' I ask with a frown but she actually laughs at me.

'You'd be alive,' she says simply.

'And you're ok with the last one?'

'What that at some point you want to ask me to marry you? It's a question Pace. I don't have to say yes,' she rolls her eyes.

'But you would say yes right?' I squeeze her side and she grins.

'Have to ask if you want to find out,' she sticks out her tongue.

'Well I'm not going to ask now am I?' I stick my tongue out back. 'It wouldn't exactly be a surprise, and I'm going to be fucked next week.'

'So I can't help but notice that number one on both our lists is the same,' she gives me a coy look from under her lashes.

'Yeah,' I say, crawling on top of her, so my body is resting on hers, her lips below mine.

'Can I come to Boston with you?'

'I would love for you to come to Boston with me.'

'Good,' she smiles and pulls my lips to hers. I'm well prepared for more loving but then the thought hits me,

'What about Fido?' I ask and she laughs.

'I would never get a horse if I didn't have some over eager teenage brother and sister half an hour that way,' she points in the opposite direction of town, 'who have begged and begged for permission to ride him everyday. Not to mention my over eager nephew. Fido's good.'

'Hmmm, you think of everything,' I say and push her legs apart, until I'm between them.

'Right now I'm only thinking of one thing,' she says and arches up into me.

'Hmmm,' I concur with her line of thought.

* * *

The next day I spend some time in the stable with Fido whilst Joey sorts something with her editor. I'm chatting to the horse, something I find ridiculously embarrassing but he's got ears and he seems to appreciate my chatter. I'm in the middle of a rather long monologue about why Joey is so wonderful, as I rub oil into the leather of his saddle.

'You know she's not entirely perfect, right?' I say and Fido's ears perk up, 'she has just terrible taste in music - she actually is partial to love ballads and favours alternative over rock? Music and her entirely horrific PMS. You were there when she lost her shit over you pooping on the floor? I mean you're a horse. You gotta go and you're gonna go. She was equally furious with me for forgetting to hang my towel up after my shower. And it's not like I always forget, only about ninety percent of the time. And let's face it, she's always trying to distract me when I've just come out of the shower, is it any wonder I forget to hang the towel? It's probably good that she has flaws. I'm pretty flawed myself,' I look at the horse who snorts and then farts. 'Believe me it's true. It's funny though because I feel less flawed when I'm here.'

'You're not flawed, you're human you doofus,' Joey says from the entry to the stable where she's leaning.

'Are you eavesdropping on the private conversation of a man and his horse.'

'You're bitching about my PMS,' she smirks.

'Well it was vicious.'

'I gave you fair warning,' she pouts.

'You're still cute,' I say, 'even when you're being scary.'

'I'm not scary,' she defends.

'Nah, poker that night was a totally normal experience. You didn't manage to alleviate Jack, Jen and I of all our money with your scary, angry poker face.'

'Ah shush, they're used to it,' she wrinkles her nose and hoists herself up to sit on one of the wooden stools she put in.

'Well I consider it good that we have had disagreements,' I say and she arches her brows in amusement,

'Oh, we've had disagreements?'

'One or two,' I chuckle.

'I know what you mean,' she admits, 'if we never bickered it would be weird.'

'It's a relief we don't bicker a lot,' I drop the rag I'm using and wonder over and wedge my body between her legs. She loops her arms around my neck.

'But it would be boring if we didn't bicker at all,' she finishes and I give her a huge grin.

'I love you,' I murmur and she presses a kiss to my nose.

'I love you too. I looked through your helpful comments on my book,' she gives me a serious look.

'I thought they were very...informative,' I nuzzle into her neck, pressing kisses against her skin.

'Telling me I'm beautiful is not constructive criticism,' she arches her neck and I devour her skin.

'But you are beautiful.'

'You also sketched in the margins,' she pulls my head from her neck and gives me a serious look and I flush.

'It was just an idea,' I defend and she laughs,

'If you want to fuck me from behind you just have to ask.'

'I do,' I say and she moans as I press my rather obvious arousal between her thighs, 'want to,' I groan as well.

'Inside,' she slips off the seat, her body sliding down mine and creating a delectable friction.

'Here,' I say and spin her so her back is to me. Then I'm utterly taken over by the want of her. I become almost feral with it, one hand slipping onto her chest and the other diving down the front of her skirt and into her panties. She groans loudly and holds her thighs together over my hand before releasing them and pressing her butt against me. I'm not particularly proud about how eager I am to get her naked but I shove both her skirt and panties down until they pool in a pile on the floor, my fingers sinking into her whilst I rub almost frantic circles on her clit. She's so wet that I use my other hand to get my shorts and boxers out of the way.

'Lean there,' I gesture to the seat and she does so. I run myself against her and it feels glorious, and totally different in this position. I feel a sense of power that I've been lacking since I got sick. It's not that we've never done it with me behind her, but we've always been on bed, both lying down. This, this feels primal and I need it, need her. I use my legs to spread hers a little and then I push inside of her and it feels so good, pulling out and pushing back into her that I forget everything but the sensation of this, the feel of her breast in my hand, my other palm pressing against her so that every time I rock into her, her clit rubs against me. She's moaning loudly but so am I.

'I'm going to come,' she pants, and those words, the first flutter of her clenching around me and I thrust into her erratically before I come, loving the feeling of everything I have being pushed into her. I pull her back against me, her back against my chest, my arm wrapped possessively around her. I'm still inside her as she tilts her head back to kiss me.

'My sister,' I begin and she laughs,

'At this moment you want to talk about your sister?'

'Haha,' I kiss her lightly and reluctantly remove my body from being inside of hers. We both pull on our clothes, and I wrap my arm around her as we walk up to the deck. I rather predictably need to sit down.

'Something about your sister?' she says as we sit together and snuggle under a blanket she's been keeping outside as the air turns cooler. It's some beautiful red striped alpaca blanket that's soft and warm.

'Oh,' I smile, 'she and I have a running joke that you fulfil my every fantasy,' I give her a shit eating grin.

'You don't do so badly yourself, you know on the whole fantasy fulfilling front.'

'You mean as a little girl you dreamed of finding some stupid motorcyclist by the side of the road, a man so riddled with cancer he's only be alive long enough for you to fall in love with and fuck your whole life up?' I don't know why I say it. I meant it as a tease, but it sounds bitter, angry and aggressive. Especially after how close we just were.

'Pacey,' she looks at me, justifiably hurt and angry.

'Sorry,' I say but she just frowns at me.

'Well that came from somewhere.'

'Well honestly - what fantasy am I fulfilling?' I snap.

'I see what you're doing,' she shakes her head, clearly still annoyed with me, 'you can't see it so it's not true. Blaming yourself for something that is no ones fault.'

'It is my fault if I fuck up your life.'

'No, it's my fault. You propositioned me having told me everything but you didn't make the move, I did. I kissed you.'

'If you hadn't, I'd have kissed you,' I shout.

'And I could have always said no or stop and you would have,' she shouts back.

'I just don't think you see me clearly,' I say and she glares at me, her eyes like steel,

'Oh I see you clearly. Fantasy number one, a man who wants me for who I am, not who I could be. Fantasy number two, a man who makes me feel things emotionally, who makes me feel alive. Fantasy number three, a man who makes me laugh, a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, is good and kind but not a push over. Fantasy number four, someone who makes me comfortable in my own skin, who makes my body react just by looking at me. I never wanted a man who puts his foot in it like the doofus you are, but I'm so glad I got one. I wanted someone who could challenge me, and I mean about life, about ideology and books, and music, someone not scared to disagree. You're all I've ever wanted, you just drive me crazy in so many good ways and you make me feel special, good, desirable, like I'm important and worthy and...and...all the time...you fill fantasies I didn't even know I had, like fucking me from behind in a stable, wanting me so much I could come just thinking about it. I love you Pacey. I'm in love with you. I've wanted a couple of other guys, when I was younger, but not like this, not hedonistically and irrevocably.'

'I'm sorry,' I say again but this time I really mean it.

'Oh I'm not mad,' she says and I arch my brows at her - she laughs, 'ok so a little, but not for long. Come here,' she holds out her arms and even though I'm quite a bit bigger than her, I snuggle into them, enjoying the feeling of being held. It's just so nice.

'So I'm not fucking up your life?' I ask in a small voice.

'Far from it,' she says, and presses a kiss to my forehead.

* * *

We take Joey's truck to go to the state penitentiary in Canon City. My iPhone says it's a two and a half hour drive but Joey insists it's more like three. She says she never does it in a day. She travels there, sees her dad and stays the night in this place, a vacation rental by the owner. She says the place is lovely and she books us a couple of nights. Apparently around the state penitentiary in Colorado is many a scene of natural beauty. She says she's going to take me to Red Rock canyon to enjoy the sunset. She claims it doesn't need a sunset to be beautiful and I believe her. This state is full of natural beauty, the girl beside me a prime example.

Joey is a little quiet as we drive. Sometimes I forget that she's so young, that the hurt of her father's betrayals must still sting because although this is normal for her, it's not exactly normal. I still feel my fathers betrayals keenly, the betrayals of our fathers are just of a different nature.

'So dad was first put away when I was twelve,' she says as the numbers of miles to. Canon City get down to one digit. 'Just after my mom died.'

'So you and Bessie were left grieving and alone?'

'Yeah, something like that. Bessie was the one all the work fell to, all the responsibility of being a grown up. I had to face some harsh realities such as working in the diner, seeing the decline in our income, facing the criticism of town folk, and Bessie just being totally over whelmed. I was still a kid though and it was nothing compared to everything she had to do, which was essentially parent me, work out how to get money, deal with social services. It was pretty messed up.'

'But she did it?'

'She did. Somehow the two of us managed to get by. The diner was pretty much a hellhole of neglect, something that occurred in the years my mother was sick and dad was being dad. Bessie was actually relieved dad was put away and she finally had some control over things. The problem was we just had no money. We ate left overs from the diner and we struggled. But Bodie moved in and whilst that brought some negativity from people too frustrating for words, we became a family. Bodie is an excellent cook. He cleaned the diner and took over ordering and the menu. Things got better, but of course once Alex was born the money evaporated, Bessie couldn't work, so I had to.'

'How did you handle that?' I'm now focused entirely on her and not on our surroundings.

'Moodily. I mean I was just about fifteen. My whole focus in life was escape. I wanted to escape which was all about school. Work hard, get a scholarship and get the hell out so I could be more than just my small home town.'

'So what happened?'

'Dad was released when I was fifteen. I told you about how he was caught, Dawson and his forceful and apparently noble ways. Dawson is all about integrity but he sometimes misses the point. I told you about the diner burning down too. I was inside,' she says it and I must gape at her. It never occurred to me that she would have been in danger though it probably should have. Kids of cons, cons that do drugs and deal in weapons are rarely protected from the actions of their parent. Crime is a hard business and Joey clearly is not immune to the damage that hardness causes.

'What happened?' I reach for her hand - for me not her, because it's hard to think of her going through it. She seems to appreciate the hand holding as well.

'Oh dad was released, decided to take over everything Bessie and Bodie had been managing. And she let him because she was young, with a baby and things were tough. Bodie was working at the ski mountain because the diner wasn't making enough, I was babysitting Alex when Bessie worked and vice versa and there was never enough money, never enough time and so when dad wanted to take over, we let him. At first he did ok, but you know what, my dad's a criminal. He's a drug addict to. You don't deal like he does and not participate. He mixed our livelihood with his drugs. He stole, not that we knew, to try and pay off his debt, debt accrued for using part of what he was supposed to sell. They found payback, in the form of a brick and fire.'

'And you were inside?' the whole business makes me feel sick.

'Yeah, me and my friends, studying. The bastard had spent the last of our money on "refurbishment" and the place was temporarily closed. The stupid thing is I didn't rush out of the burning building, I tried to help dad get out. I did help dad get out and Dawson to his credit helped me too. Jack got Jen out. He was only there because it was Christmas time and he was helping us study. I wasn't injured, well my pride, my emotions were wounded, but I was sound in body.'

'Jo,' I say her name and she gets what I mean, the love, the adoration, the wish that I could have somehow prevented it all. And I do wish I'd been there, there to pull her from the building and hold her in my arms.

'He got fifteen years and that's where he is. For a while neither Bessie or I visited him. I mean I used to loathe these birthday visits, but they're kind of therapeutic these days, a chance to let it all go - you know what I mean?' Her eyes flick away from the road and to me. I nod. I do kind of know what she means. The thought of reaching a point of equilibrium with my dad is appealing. Knowing he doesn't hate me and not hating him in return. It's not about forgetting but reaching a point where you don't actively remember.

'I think you're amazing,' I say and the sincerity drips from each word.

'He'll act like the tough dad with you, all defensive of his daughter, but don't be fooled. He might be my dad but Bodies been my father.'

'Yeah, I know,' I say as we pull up into the jail parking lot. I've never been to a prison before and I look at the stark, industrial building. It's not a nice place. It can't have been nice to travel here as a kid and visit the man who abandoned you. It was probably even less nice as an insecure teenager, especially with how leery men can be. I look at Joey with new respect.

'Ready?' She asks and I nod, taking her hand, my fingers threading through hers.

* * *

I'm not sure what kind of man I was expecting Mike Potter to be. He's not a bad looking man, but he's more...simpering than the man I'd had in my head. He's tall and muscled but he doesn't have the tattoos the other cons in the visiting room have. His hair is dark, and his youthful face is hardened - he must have had Bessie and Joey when he was still basically a kid. He doesn't immediately look like my internal image of a con, but when he looks at me, when his eyes rove over my bald head, my clearly sick physic and of course my proximity to his daughter, his eyes harden.

'Joey,' he says as Joey slips into the seat opposite him, me by her side.

'Happy birthday,' she murmurs but I notice she looks anywhere but at her dad.

'Who's he?' Mike nods in my direction.

'My boyfriend, Pacey.'

'Whats wrong with him?' Mike stares at me as his daughter still stares at the table, at our hands entwined together. Despite Mike's contempt I warm at hearing Joey refer to me as her boyfriend.

'He has cancer dad,' she rolls her eyes. 'But that's all that's wrong with him.' The insinuation is that I am otherwise completely right for her.

'And when he carks it, what then?'

'And you wonder why Bessie and I loathe our visits to you so much?' she squeezes my hand and looks, for the first time, at her father.

'I'm trying to look out for you,' Mike raises his hands as if in defence.

'Dad, this is the man I love. Yeah he's sick, and yeah maybe he'll die, but you know what? At least I'll have had whatever time I get with him. He makes me happy. That should be enough for you.'

'That is actually enough for me,' Mike Potter states and I look at him in surprise. The guy actually smiles at me and he looks a little less pathetic, a little warmer. He looks less hard and more like a man I can associate with the girl sat next to me.

'Good,' Joey gives him a fierce look. Mike smiles at her indulgently before looking at me,

'What do you do?' He asks me, 'when you're not sick?'

'Ironically I'm a oncologist,' I say and Mike smirks. I find myself smirking back.

'Fucking bad luck,' he says with a shake of his head.

'Yep.'

'How'd you two meet?' he asks and Joey tells the tale of discovering my body at the side of the road. Mike laughs in all he right places and is serious when she is. He loves her. I can tell that as easily as I can tell she's not sure that he does. We shake hands when it's time to go and whilst it fleets across my mind to ask for his permission I know that his permission means nothing when it comes to marrying Joey, and Bodie and Bessie will only grant their blessing to my asking. Marriage is really rather patriarchal as an institution, though I can't imagine Joey changing her name or anything like that. I want to marry her but more as a romantic thing, that it would feel incredibly romantic to be joined in that way to the girl I love.

* * *

'He liked you,' Joey says after a few minutes of silent driving.

'I'm not sure if that works to my favour or not,' I say and she laughs,

'Oh it doesn't hurt, he is my dad after all.'

'Well good. He's...' I struggle for the right word and Joey shoots me a look,

'A weird guy?'

'Yeah,' I say, 'I mean he was harsh as hell when we first sat down and a word from you and he shuts the fuck up.'

'I haven't really let him in, you know? I've never brought anyone here. Not even Dawson, Jen or Jack. He took the bus with me once but he didn't come in. I used to come and spend the whole hour in silence. It was a complete waste of time. Eventually we talked a little but this is the first time I've given him access to my life, to something important to me. I've never told him about my books - nothing. He doesn't know where I live or anything and that's fine by me.'

'So why introduce me?'

'Because I love you.'

'Simple as that?'

'Simple as that,' she confirms as we pull into an idyllic wooden cabin in the mountains.

'Woe, look at this place,' I state and Joey laughs,

'I know - this is better than a B&B. This is why I picked up a pizza and croissants for the morning, because this is one of the nicest places ever. I rent it from the owner every time I come and see dad.'

'It's beautiful I'll give you that,' I say as we step inside, 'but your place is perfect.'

'But if course,' she says with a smile.

'I wish I had more energy,' I complain as I look at her standing in the doorway, still on the porch that looks over a beautiful mountain, her hair shining in the setting sun. She's utterly gorgeous.

'This place has the best porch swing,' she says with a little smile, 'so let's put on our pj's, grab the duvet and snuggle together to watch the sunset with pizza, beer and chocolate.'

'You're like the perfect woman,' I say, sidling up to her and wrapping my arms around her. I pull her close and rest my head on hers. At length she sneaks her hand between us, pressing it against my chest.

'Come on, let's go change,' she says and takes my hand to lead me through to a cottage style bedroom with a metal framed double bed. I get a fleeting image of her holding onto that frame with my face between her thighs and I sigh because as much as a turn on as that image is, I'm tired and nauseous and I have the start of a headache. I sit on the edge of the bed and breathe in and out and in and out. Joey bustles around the room and before I know it she's knelt in front of me. Her hands find the hem of my t-shirt and she lifts it over my head before pulling my tank on. Her fingers work my belt and undo the buttons of my shorts, she pulls everything off me and helps me on with a pair of sweats. I'm suddenly too exhausted to do more than be taken care of.

She takes my hand and pulls me to my feet, leading me through to the living room and onto the deck where she's set everything up. The swing set is more of a giant hanging bed. It's a circular basket with a thick, incredibly comfortable cushion, not to mention many other cushions strewn about. Joey's put the fluffy, soft duvet on it and when I lie down, my eyes almost immediately drift shut. I think about the pizza for a second. The beer crosses my mind. Joey snuggles up to my chest and I don't think anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi All,**

**Thanks for the continued support. I'm sorry there has been such a delay - I was camping with no electrics, no wifi and all the kids, thus no time for writing or posting. This is all I have written so far, but I will try and get more done soon.**

**Please review, I know I beg, but it truly motivates me like you wouldn't believe. And I need motivation with nothing else written...**

**Tab:-)**

**Chapter Seven**

When I wake up the next day it is a beautiful autumnal day. Joey and I are still lying on the swing _bed_ - the word seat doesn't really do it justice. The sun creeps into the sky to one side of us but the fact that the sunrise is not head on doesn't reduce the beauty of the scene before us. Joey dozes on, her head against my chest, as I watch the sky burn red, orange, yellow and even pink and purple. The haze of cloud looks like a magical blanket that still clings to the mountains in their slumber. I feel tired, exhausted really, and not in a particularly good way, but I realize that I'm happy, happier than I have ever been before and despite the fatigue I'm in the mood for some loving. Joey is the most perfect girl in the world for me. She isn't perfect, but she doesn't have to be. I love her so entirely. I run a finger down the smooth silk of her skin and thank my lucky stars she found me, that she's Jack's friend and that Jack and I had the good fortune to be roomed together in the first year of premed.

Joey eventually awakens and I sweet talk her into getting naked, into getting me naked and then her sliding on top of me - I have a good way with words when it comes to parting Joey from her clothing. We spend a good couple of hours lounging outside naked. It's not even like we have sex the whole time, I'm just not up to it, but we do lie together, skin on skin, chatting and laughing, I'm not even sure about what, but we both seem to find ourselves very amusing, teasing and joking, making fun of ourselves and each other. Joey makes us scrambled egg for breakfast and she takes me on a short hike to see Red Canyon. The whole experience of being away with her, of having a space that is neutral without work to be done is lovely and it makes me determined for us to have a good long vacation one day. Of course I have to get better first and that is going to be an epic battle.

We muck about that evening, reading and making out in the large master bedroom. We watch a movie and I fall asleep with my head on Joey's chest, the gentle rhythm of her breathing lulling me off.

* * *

We head back to Lost Lake the following day after an early morning hike and sex. I find that I want Joey all the time, that I have a huge sex drive. I think that the knowledge that once the next phase of my treatment begins my sex drive will dive has me keen to take advantage of this brief spell of respite. I want her constantly and don't hesitate to make it known, and to take advantage of how much she seems to want me. We are touching almost constantly and it still isn't enough.

'I love you,' I tell her a thousand times a day, each time she bites her bottom lip or rolls her eyes, or wrinkles her nose. She let's me brush her hair and attempt to plait it and I can't help but wonder whether I might one day have a daughter with this girl, a daughter who's hair I can braid or pull into bunches. Before this cancer I hadn't considered kids one way or another, but I'm in love Joey, and I didn't hesitate to preserve my chance to have children with her one day, even if we had only known each to her a week when I did so.

I feel a sense of relief, of home coming, when we get back to Lost Lake and to Fido who I think actually missed me. I take him for a ride even though I'm tired and come home to warm butternut squash soup that Joey has made. Apparently she's been practicing her cooking. I find this oddly touching and slightly flattering, so obviously I press her against the kitchen counter and fuck her. I can barely stand when we're done but Joey just laughs at me claiming I did all the work. She sits me out on the porch where the air is cool and brings me out a cup of soup and a hunk of the bread we bought on our way home. Life could so easily be perfect.

* * *

I wake up with the knowledge that today we're leaving Colorado and that our relationship is about to face new tests. Joey is curled up into me, her naked form nestled rather perfectly against my naked self. I want to have sex with her. My body wants to and my head wants to, but we have to go. The flight is early and there's a couple of last minute things to take care of that we didn't do yesterday - like the garbage. Jack's picking us up in an hour which is not enough time. My eyes drift over her body, her legs slightly parted. The sight is enough to make my hand run down her side, over her stomach and between her legs, one finger teasing as my thumb finds her clit. She's so wet, so quickly, that I roll her over, and am on top of her and guiding myself into her in seconds. Her hands scratch at my back and her eyes open, her legs wrapping around me and pulling me in deeper each time. She kisses me, and then her head lolls back, as I angle myself to ensure I'm rubbing against her clit with each movement. When she gives her tell tale moan, and her feet dig into my ass I stop holding back and we both come together, which is always the best kind of orgasm.

'We so didn't have time for that,' she murmurs into my ear, her legs still holding me inside of her.

'I'm not sure when I'll be well enough for that again,' I say and she gives me a sultry look.

'You're very, very good at sex, but that isn't actually all I'm with you for,' she kisses my nose.

'You think so?' wow, but the guy in me just came out. She giggles,

'Well yeah. The fact that I want to do it so often should answer that.'

'That wears off,' I say and she nods,

'I'm sure. But I'll always know that when we are in the mood, or able or whatever, you are fantastic at it.'

'You're not so bad yourself.'

'At first I was a little insecure, worried about how good I was or wasn't, but then I decided to let you lead and see what I liked and what i didn't. I liked pretty much everything. You remember that morning in bed?'

'I think about that morning an awful lot. Well I did when we weren't together.'

'So you see, I have lots to think about. If you can't do it, don't want to and I do - well I have a hand.'

'Thats a turn on,' I say feeling myself get hard, which is convenient because I'm still inside of her. She obviously feels it to because she giggles and lifts her hips against mine.

'We'll miss the flight,' she says but I just move on top of her,

'I can be quick. Please?'

'I'm hardly going to say no,' she says and rolls us over so she's on top. I fucking love her on top.

* * *

Rather embarrassingly Jack interrupts us. Luckily he doesn't actually see anything, just barges in the front door and begins calling us, which results in much scrambling around on our behalf. Jack looks positively gleeful about it all because it was blatantly obvious. Whilst he and Jen are happy that Joey loves me, that I love her, they are less than gleeful about the loss of Joey for the next couple of months. I don't really care though. Jack is in Boston next month on a conference and we'll be back in Colorado before too long.

The ride to the airport is nice. I sit up front with Jack and Joey sits in the back - her choice, though I know she's giving Jack time with me - she's good like that. The flight to Boston is fun because I get to see Joey out of her territory, out of her little patch of paradise. I must look like the cat that got the cream because I keep grinning at her. She looks a little less lucky given my obvious lack of health, but she actually wears the same look as me, as we sit with our hands entwined, her head resting on my shoulder, even as we play cards. I accuse her of cheating but she just laughs.

Doug and Gretchen meet as at the airport, Doug giving first me and then Joey a huge hug. Gretchen appraises my girlfriend, as if assessing her for worth - I know Gretchen is protective but it irritates me a lot. However, it doesn't seem to phase Joey who holds my hand tightly.

'How was the flight?' she asks and Joey shrugs a little, surprisingly shy or maybe not so surprising given Gretchen's slightly acidic glare,

'It was ok. Not too long. We played cards.'

'Yeah, Pacey mentioned that you've gotten him into cards,' Gretchen gives her a look.

'I like cards,' Joey says and shifts a little closer to me.

'Our niece is big into your books,' Gretchen says as we head to the car.

'She knows that,' Doug punches Gretchen lightly in her shoulder.

'She doesn't know that Hannah is planning on getting her to sign every single book and hit her up for info on what happens next,' Gretchen glares at him.

'She is?' I laugh and Gretchen shoots a look at us - Joey is grinning as well,

'I don't know what's going to happen after the book that's with my publisher so she won't get very far. She will have one of the advance copies of the next book though,' Joey says and Gretchen stares some more, and so do I, 'I emailed her address to the publisher when I sent the final copy in.'

'That was nice of you,' I say warmed by this act of kindness and she presses a kiss to my cheek,

'She's your niece. Hopefully it won't make her feel less special to know my sister gets a copy too.'

'We don't need to tell her that,' I tease and Joey wraps her arm around my waist. I understand this need she has to be close. I'm feeling it too because Doug isn't dropping me at home, but into the hospital. I asked Joey if she would stay with me in my apartment and she said yes which was a huge development for me. Ever since leaving college I've enjoyed having my own space. I don't want my own space when it comes to Joey.

'Where are you staying whilst you're here?' Gretchen asks Joey.

'Well I have a place, just a one bedroom apartment,' Joey begins.

'She's staying at mine, I asked her too. Even though I may not be there for a lot of the time.'

'Well we'll be close to each other then,' Gretchen says but she doesn't act pleased. I realize she's still testing Joey, though I'm not sure for what.

'I like the thought of knowing she's at home,' I say and Joey smiles at me.

'And what will you do whilst you're here?' Gretchen frowns and asks it like she can't imagine how Joey will spend her time. Joey seems to find some resolve because she rolls her eyes,

'Well, spend time with your brother, write, I guess do a little publicity for my book. I'm here because I want to be with Pacey.'

'Good,' Gretchen seems to have got whatever it was she wanted, though she still isn't warm.

'Gretch, I don't expect Joey's life to become my life you know. I don't want it to either. I want her to go for walks even when I can't, or swim, or go out for coffee, make friends,' both girls stare at me.

'I'm pretty easy Pace,' Joey says and then flushes at the implication. I laugh,

'No need to announce it,' I tease and her blush deepens.

'Gretch cut it out,' Doug says wrapping an arm around me and one around Joey. 'I don't think Pacey would ever forgive you if you scared Joey off.'

'I'm not exactly easily scared,' Joey mutters still embarrassed.

'And I'm planning to introduce her to mom and dad,' I say, 'so that's a good thing.'

'Wow, has he told you about mom and dad?' Gretchen arches her brows and Joey nods,

'Enough,' she nods.

'And you're still up for meeting them?'

'My dad's been in the state penitentiary for the last ten years. If we want to have a scary dad contest then I'm a serious contender,' she gives Gretchen and Doug a look, this time she's more defiant. Both of them laugh and then cover their mouths,

'Sorry, just the thought of dad's reaction to that...' Doug explains.

'Oh I'm not worried about that,' Joey shrugs easily. 'I've had that reaction my whole life.'

'You don't exactly scream convicts child,' Gretchen says.

'Not at the top of my lungs, no,' Joey slips into the backseat of the car beside me. Gretchen, in the passenger seat angles round to look at us.

'Sorry, that's not what I meant.'

'What you meant was rude,' I say though I remember being surprised as well, at how whole Joey is.

'I know what you meant. The truth is until I met Pacey I ran from having a guy in my life. Truth is its never been easy like it is with Pace.'

'This situation is anything but easy,' I tease and she rolls her eyes - I've lost count of how many times she's done that since the plane landed,

'No,' she says, 'but you and I together is easy.'

'True,' I acknowledge and press a kiss to her neck.

'So what about your sister?' Gretchen asks. 'What's she think about your new boyfriend?'

'Bessie likes him. She likes him more now he's not keeping me at arms length.'

'She claimed my cancer made our romance unconventional,' I say, 'I kind of like thinking of it like that.'

'So you have no mom and no dad?' Gretchen, my sister, subtle as a sledge hammer.

'Well I have a dad,' Joey rolls her eyes yet again. 'I took Pace to meet him. They seemed to get along. Well better than I do with him.'

'You met the old man?' Gretchen arches her brows at me.

'Well really Bodie is the guy that matters but I figured Pacey aught to see what a weak bastard my actual father is,' Joey looks out of the window and it looks like my sisters incessant questioning is beginning to take it's toll.

'What did he do Joey?' Doug asks it, and I see his eyes looking at her in the rear view mirror.

'Drugs mostly,' she says, 'burnt down our family business with me inside. He's a charmer,' she snakes a hand across and takes mine. 'It was all a long time a go. I'm not actually that bothered by it anymore, but Pacey says he loves me, therefore he gets to meet the guy.'

'I do love you,' I say and she gives me the smallest wink. It's enough to set my heart racing, and a throb of desire to shoot straight between my legs.

'And Bodie is your sisters boyfriend?'

'Yeah. They have two kids together.'

'Pacey hasn't stopped going on about your place,' Gretchen says, 'neither has Doug for that matter.'

'Did he tell you about Fido?' Joey smirks.

'You have a dog?' Gretchen asks and Joey laughs and shakes her head no.

'No, Pacey's new horse.'

'You named your horse Fido?' Gretchen shakes her head but Doug laughs, after all he probably knows all about it from Jack. 'He said you were building him a stable. Did you actually ride the horse?' she turns to me and I give her a mocking glare,

'Of course I rode the horse,' I say. 'I love the damn horse.'

'You're going to move to Colorado aren't you,' Gretchen shakes her head in sorrow.

'Yeah, when I can,' I say and wrinkle my nose, 'I'm pretty sure Dougy will be moving there too.'

'Ugh, curse Colorado and it's nice, good looking inhabitants.'

'Aaah, yes, what we folk from Colorado are famous for - being nice and good looking,' Joey gives a sniff of mock pride and Gretchen laughs. I think they might just have connected.

'There's a good looking builder there by the name of Ned. Just your type,' I say.

'Ned's not good looking,' Joey frowns.

'Objectively speaking he is, though I'm thrilled that you can't see it,' I squeeze her hand.

'I don't need my brother to match make me.'

'Just saying that when you come to visit, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.'

'Just don't come in winter unless you like to ski or snowboard,' Joey says and Gretchen's eyes light up.

'Well now you're talking. Which do you do?'

'Both actually. I'm better at skiing but I prefer snowboarding,' Joey says and I shoot her a look,

'I did not know that,' I kiss her hand.

'Well if you knew everything about me it would be boring.'

'I don't think it would ever be boring with you,' I say flirting outrageously.

'Charmer,' she mutters but her cheeks are stained red.

'I'm sorry to say we're here,' Doug grimaces and so do I.

'So this is where I work,' I say mimicking a tour operator, 'Dr Witter is usually found on the tenth floor tending to patients suffering cancer. Since his unfortunate diagnoses he can still be found on the tenth floor, only somewhat less dashing and a little more hacking.'

'Are you working at all?' she wrinkles her nose at me,

'Not when I'm off visiting you. Not when I'm being given this next lot of treatment but I'm doing cover work when I feel ok and it's needed. The patients actually seem to bond with me.'

'I imagine your patients always bonded with you,' Joey says as we get out of the car. I wave to this or that person as we make our way to the elevators. Of course when we enter my ward, the one I work on and am treated on well everyone is chatting - patients and staff. I introduce Joey to everyone, even Audrey who gives her a thorough once over. It's Audrey who gets me all set up, her boobs kind of stuck up and out there, all in my face as she puts the IV in my arm. I shoot a look at Joey, worried she's going to read something into it, but she looks highly amused. It's just the two of us, I asked Doug and Gretchen to call through tomorrow because I felt like I needed to be alone with my girl.

'I'm not going to go through the process today Pacey,' Audrey says, 'after all you know it better than I do.'

'Are you having radiation and chemo?' Joey asks and I nod.

'Everything and then the bone marrow transplant. They found the donor a while back, but after the first part of my treatment I needed a break.'

'Are you worried about side effects?' she asks softly and Audrey shoots her a look as if it's a stupid question. That annoys me because as far as I'm concerned there are no stupid questions especially when you're seeing someone through something like this.

'Actually yes,' I admit and pick at my nail, almost unwilling to share.

'You can tell me if you want,' she says.

'Sex,' I whisper the word into her ear because Audrey is still in the room. Joey blushes and looks down kind of coy,

'That again? You don't need to worry about that,' she says simply. 'Firstly, whatever changes occur to your body you'll still be the sexiest man I've ever met. You just do it for me,' that makes me smile, 'and secondly, I know that it's going to be different. I expect nothing, what I get is great, what I don't is ok too. I love you for more than your body, as I said. I know how treatment makes people feel, down inside. I don't mean that I know how it'll make you feel because I don't. I don't have any expectations about that either.'

'I love you,' I tell her and pull her onto my lap as Audrey sets up the medicines. I know she's listening in, she' sever been able to turn off her huff when she's put out and Joey has upset her, but I can't find it in myself to worry that she's listening and that she will know what side effect I was worried about, nor that she wishes Joey wasn't here. 'There's one more...'

'Side effect?'

'Yeah,' I say and she waits, 'secondary cancer. I'm having chemo and radiation together. It's not a huge risk but it's biggest for this situation. I hate the thought of beating this only to put you through this again.'

'You're not putting me through anything,' she says and I smile at her, 'life is what it is. I know that sounds lame but it really isn't. Finding you by the side of the road has turned my life upside down, but I'm happier than ever. Without that - well, I was happy, but now I feel like I'm living, that I have something so special that it makes my heart beat a little harder. I'm lucky.'

I don't really know how to respond to that so I don't not verbally anyway, but we hold each other for a long time. When Dr Green enters the room Joey gets off of my lap,

'Howard, this is my girlfriend Joey,' I say and Dr Green gives my girl a large, open smile.

'Well I've heard an awful lot about you,' he says and Joey grins,

'I've heard a fair amount about you,' she responds. Then of course, once pleasantries are over, once Doc has caught up with me, we begin. Once all the meds are going in, the radiation therapy injected, well then Audrey and Doctor Green leave and Joey and I sit together, or rather lie side by side on my bed.

'I feel I should warn you that I throw up a lot,' I say and Joey presses a kiss to my neck.

'I'm not very squeamish,' she says, 'I loathe cleaning out the fridges at the diner, but sick, blood, things like that don't really phase me. I mean they will because it's you. In that I don't like you being sick, or feeling bad.'

* * *

In most ways Joey is the perfect girlfriend when it comes to having the treatment I'm having. She knows just when to shut up and just when to distract and she has a real skill at keeping boredom at bay for herself and others. We play cards when we can, but sometimes I just can't stand anything. When I'm vomiting she clears it in silence, not touching me more than necessary because she can just tell it heightens the nausea. _No one else gets that. _She seems to be quite happy sitting in silence, and she makes sure to give me time and space each day. She keeps busy when she's not with me so she has lots to tell me in the times when I can function. It's a heavy course of treatment because I'm truly very sick, but she sticks with me, never letting it beat her. And that's her only fault. She doesn't show me how much this effects her, to the point that I end up yelling at her, questioning whether she cares at all. After only two weeks I make her cry by my frustration that she won't share with me how she feels. I'm looking at her with anger, in fact I can feel anger and frustration bubbling through me so completely that I just yell,

'Why the fuck do you keep saying it's ok? It's not ok. It's like you don't even care,' I growl the words and glare at her. Those big eyes of hers fill with tears but they don't fall.

'You think I don't care?' she asks in a small voice.

'Well you don't seem like you do. I'm dying and you seem unaffected,' my voice is not small, in fact it's loud and large in this small room.

'You're being such a bastard,' she says shaking her head.

'Oh that's sweet, thanks toots,' I glare at my hands, avoiding the look on her face.

'You know I care,' she says and I look at her viciously,

'Do I?' my tone is cruel and I do regret it but I'm too angry at this point.

'I'm going out,' she says and I do look at her this time and I see a tear snake down the curve of her cheek.

'Must be nice to come and go as you please,' I bite out but the door is closing as the last vestiges of my attack burn out. I instantly hate myself, the dark loathing of my youth filling me up. It's so typical of me to wreck the one thing that I truly adore about my life - the fact that I have this amazing girl in it. I lie in bed and seethe with anger, directed at myself this time. She returns only ten minutes later, crawling onto my bed and pressing her body to mine. My arms are like a vice around her I hold her that tight.

'You should leave me, go back home,' I say the words into her hair but she doesn't respond. 'Seriously Jo, I can be such a bastard. I'm no good for you, I'm mean to you and you're you for fucks sake,' my hands stroke down her arms.

'No,' is all she says and I don't really understand.

'No?'

'No. I go where you are, whether you want me or not.'

'Jo,' I say and she looks up at me, her eyes shooting daggers,

'I'm not scared by your cancer and I'm not scared when you get angry at me. I know that you know I care but sometimes I'm furious as well, and I bet you at some point I take it out on you. This is our life. This is our life together, and it's shitty that in this life together you're sick, it's even more horrendous that you may die, but I am not ruining what we have over what might happen. I love you and if cleaning up your sick, or playing cards is what I get, then I take it happily. I'd rather be mopping up sick, listening to you yell at me, and hanging out in a hospital room than I would be standing at your funeral.' Her words hit me hard and I find tears burn my eyes, 'and I am affected, of course I am. I hate that you're sick. I make constant bargains with god and I'm not even sure I believe in god. I make wishes and spend my silent time engaged in positive thoughts, but at least I'm with you.'

'Don't ever leave me,' I beg, my hands finding her cheeks, cupping her face and raising her eyes to mine.

'Don't you leave either,' she says and I nod, knowing I can't promise anything. She rests her head back on my chest and I run my fingers through her hair until I fall asleep.

* * *

When I wake up Joey is still lying along side me, but my eyes fall on my sister who is sat in a chair beside my bed contemplating the two of us.

'She asleep?' I ask quietly and Gretchen nods.

'You ok?' She asks in return and I shrug,

'We had an argument,' I say and Gretchen frowns, 'my fault,' I add.

'What about?'

'Stupidly about how great Jo is with all this.'

'You want her crying every second?' Gretchen's frown grows and I smile sheepishly,

'No. I was angry and I vented on her,' I admit.

'Well it's a big day tomorrow,' Gretchen says and I nod. Tomorrow I have my transplant. How I respond to this is a good indicator of my chances. Well my chances in the near future.

'I have my central line in,' I say and Gretchen nods, her eyes shiny.

'Conditioning all done,' she references this intense phase of killing cancer cells I've just been through.

'And then we'll see.'

'Yeah.'

'If it doesn't work,' I begin and she shakes her head.

'No,' she says but I fix her with a stare,

'If it doesn't work, I'll try again,' I say.

'You'll be able to?'

'Depends,' I say a little morosely. 'It may put me into remission. It may kill me. It may improve things for a while. My cancer is...well it's not great.'

'Death?' Gretchen has turned pale and I reach out and take her hand,

'It happens,' I admit, 'as does sterility and nausea and sometimes very little. I may have no issues.'

'Does she know?' Gretchen looks at Joey and I wince at the way she didn't use Joey's name. I fully expected my sister and my girlfriend to get along and in the case of Kerry and Anna that has been the case, but for some reason Gretchen, the sister that pushed me to go and see Joey, is for some reason not sure of her.

'She's known for a long time,' I say.

'And the kids thing?'

'That to,' I say, 'she said that even if we can't have kids she'd have me and that's enough.'

'I hope that's true.'

'I don't need your cynicism, not today Gretch.'

'I'm sorry,' she's immediately contrite.

'Why are you sorry?' Doug asks from the doorway, his brave smile on his face.

'She's being down on Joey,' I mutter, the girl in question opening her eyes and kissing me, before noting that we are not alone and flushing delightfully and slipping off me and off of my bed. Doug smirks but Gretchen stares at her.

'You guys are too cute,' Doug mutters indulgently but Gretch rolls her eyes and it irritates the fuck out of me.

'I'm not having anything that might kill me tomorrow if you keep treating Joey like you are,' I say and Gretchen's eyes widen. I'm not sure what Joey's reaction is to my up front dealings with my sister but I'm not going to be dissuaded from sorting this out.

'I'm not treating her in any way,' Gretchen defends.

'You are and you have been since we got back. You act like you don't trust her.'

'I don't trust her,' Gretchen states like it's something she hasn't ever tried to hide.

'Why not?' Joey asks.

'Why Pacey? I mean what girl gets involved with a dying man? How is that sane? And what about when it's too much? When you leave him?'

'You encouraged him to come and see me,' Joey's jaw has dropped open.

'I thought some sex and some fresh air would do him good,' Gretchen defends.

'I told you I loved her,' I say shocked at this about turn.

'It didn't seem like such a stretch of the imagination that a sick man might imagine himself in love with a pretty girl who rescued him,' Gretchen says.

'Did you?' Joey's turned quite pale, 'imagine yourself in love with me?'

'Not for one moment,' I say but my mind flits back to that first moment when she came into her bedroom, back when I first awoke from my concussion. That first moment I thought she was beautiful. Everything she did enchanted me and the way she dealt with the truth of what happened helped me, eased the pain in my heart. I do remember as she bid me goodnight thinking that I had known many beautiful and intriguing girls and that Joey was probably just one of them and it was only my heightened emotional state that had me thinking she was something special. These thoughts take mere moments to flit through my head but Joey reads them,

'Not for a moment huh?' she asks but she knows the answer. 'Thats ok,' she says in a small voice.

'From the second I saw you I wanted you,' I say and it doesn't help my case as her arms cross over her chest, her stance defensive. 'Everything you said eased me, eased the pain of knowing what was happening to me. I thought you were something special,' I tell her and her frown softens slightly.

'But?' her voice is shaky.

'I thought that might be my heightened emotional state making me feel that way,' I admit and Joey stares at me for a moment a myriad of emotions flicking across her face including hurt and resilience.

'That's likely,' she says holding herself in check and if I ever doubted my love for her, which I haven't, I love her more in that moment than ever before,

'Only it wasn't,' I continue. 'From the very beginning I knew you were something special. I only considered that it might have been my emotional state. The truth is it wasn't. You are something special to me and always have been and I love you. A lot. More than anything.'

'I love you too,' she says blushing and I reach out and take her hand, but Joey looks at Gretchen,

'The only thing that will ever be too much for me is Pacey dying. That's the truth,' she stares my sister down, 'and what's in this for me? Well Pacey, being with him, being with a man that makes me happy, worthy, loved and who makes me feel things and in a way that I never have for another person. I love your brother. I always will love him and I got involved with him because I didn't see him as a dying man, I saw him as a man who was funny, sweet, intelligent, easy to talk to and unbelievably attractive.'

'Hmm,' I grin at her and she looks away from Gretchen and back at me.

'He asked me to make out, like it was the simplest conclusion to dealing with a rainy morning,' she's speaking to Gretchen but still looking at me.

'Seemed pretty simple to me,' I say and she laughs,

'Oh for a fucked up, complicated situation it's always been very simple,' she agrees and moves to sit on the edge of the bed. My arm snakes around her until she's curled into my side.

'Ok,' Gretchen says and I look at her.

'Ok?'

'I get it. I'm sorry. I think I just get it a bit too much. When you guys came back, when we saw you at the airport well I got it. I know you're going to leave, go to Colorado.'

'Or I'll die.'

'One way or another I lose you,' she admits and her eyes flood with tears. Dougy wraps an arm around her.

'There's always Ned,' i say in an attempt to ease the tension and she gives me a grudging smile. 'And unless I'm dead I'm always your brother. In fact even then.'

'Good,' she whispers and reaches for my hand. I hold her hand tightly. She looks at Joey and mouths an apology. Joey nods and I feel relief knowing that if I do die these two women who are so important to me can grieve together.

* * *

I go home forty-eight hours later, new bone marrow hopefully healing me. Hopefully helping my body heal itself. My side effects are thankfully few and far between, some mild nausea and fatigue. However, when I slip into my bed with Joey lying beside me for the first time in my home, I feel insanely optimistic. We can't possibly be intimate, not physically anyway, but emotionally it feels like we're very connected. We talk, our voices soft, our bodies close. When I become too tired to talk she pulls out a copy of Moby Dick and reads to me. It's probably the nicest way I've fallen asleep in my whole life.

* * *

The next few weeks pass with me going in and out of hospital for the necessary checks but mostly I'm better than I have been except for the persisting fatigue. We have to stay near the hospital so we don't go back to Lost Lake, we live out of my apartment eating food I teach Joey to cook, watching old tv shows and kissing. We make love at times but we both respect my limitations which are unfortunately very real. Doug spends a lot of time at our place and when Jack visits it is nice to see how wonderfully together they are. As for Gretchen, she and Joey become good friends and that means a lot to me. Gretchen always looked out for me as a kid - my most fearsome supporter and I need her to adore my girlfriend as much as I do.

I want Joey to meet mom and dad but their continued disinterest makes that difficult. I find the thought of going to see them with my chemo bald head too much and so I call. I'm the one who, as Joey puts it, is a grown up. My dad answers,

'John Witter.'

'Dad it's me,' I say and there's a silence I'm not quite sure what to do with.

'Do you want me to get your mother?' he asks and I feel hatred for him bubbling up inside of me.

'What, you can't spend five minutes talking to your dying kid?' I ask and again there is a long patch of silence.

'Sometimes I don't know what to say,' he says and there's something in his voice that makes me hesitate when really I aught to ream him out good for being such a coward.

'We don't have to talk about my cancer,' I say.

'What can we talk about?' he asks, again with the same uncertainty that makes me hesitate to call him on his crap.

'We could start with my girlfriend.'

'I didn't think...' he trails off,

'I met her a few months back. When I was diagnosed.'

'She work at the hospital?'

'No,' I actually laugh, 'she's from Colorado. She lives in Colorado.'

For a while the phone line is filled with our heavy breathing.

'You gonna bring her round to meet us?' he asks at length.

'Yeah. This weekend, maybe Sunday?'

'Sundays good. I'll tell your mom. Goodbye Pacey,' and he hangs up.

* * *

If Joey is nervous about meeting my parents she doesn't seem it. In fact she's positively playful the morning of our visit, and she rather gleefully strips me of my clothes and has her wicked way with me. I don't complain, because why would I. I actually have some energy and I can never think of a better way to use my energy than on loving Joey as thoroughly as possible. Even after I make her come twice, because let's face it I don't do things by half, she still only manages to pull on her underwear before she's sliding her legs across mine to straddle me, and teasing me about how she's going to wear no panties when we go to see my parents. I point out that she's already put them on and she suggests I get rid of them for her. Before I know it she's sliding onto my hard cock and rocking on top of me, her breasts jiggling in my face. It's amazing to be with her when she's in this mood.

We spend the morning mucking around on the couch reading papers before we head out the door. She's driving and as I'm directing her she takes my hand and trails it up her thigh, proving that she is indeed going commando. It's so hot to find my fingers touching the warmth and wetness of her desire for me that I actually want to make love again. This pleases me inordinately because I haven't had this kind of stamina since I started treatment, and even though I can't fulfil this desire I know that I will before the day is through. My fingers are still on her as we pull up outside my folks house.

'Finish,' she hisses and uses her hand to plunge two of my fingers inside her. I watch her face as I circle her clit, rubbing furious circles that have her moaning my name. I'm hard as hell when she comes. She doesn't hesitate for a second but yanks at my jeans button and when she finally reveals my cock her lips descend on it. I come pretty quick and when she gives me a coy smile I laugh.

'Is this your method of getting me to relax for this encounter?'

'No, I just really find you attractive,' she murmurs demurely. I laugh again,

'The feeling is mutual,' I say and then sigh, 'they'll make you think I'm not worth it.'

'Not a chance,' she shakes her head.

'They don't really like me very much,' I admit.

'Then they're fools,' she states and opens her car door.

I don't know what I expect but Joey immediately calls my dad on his shit. She's utterly unforgiving as she stares at him when he opens the door.

'You must be Pacey's friend,' my dad says as he opens the door, staring at her and not the son he's failed to contact for months.

'And you must be his father. I'm surprised we haven't met at the hospital. Well actually I'm not,' she doesn't take the hand he proffers her.

'I've been busy,' my dad states and shoots me a weary, defensive look.

'Well, usually even when we're busy we make time to go and see people who have cancer,' she says. Dad doesn't say anything but stares at her some more. 'Especially our children. For my part I spent as much time with my mom as I could when she was sick.'

'It's ok Jo,' I say because I suddenly realize how angry she is with my dad, and in the face of his disinterest it's hard to criticize that.

'Nah, she's right kid,' dad says looking at Joey with his keen appraising eyes.

'Why haven't you been to see Pacey?' she asks in a bolshy way I've never seen before. She's staring at him with narrowed eyes, clearly expecting an answer. He's my dad so he doesn't answer. 'Wow, I guess you are as hardened as he indicated,' she shakes her head.

'Your mom's in the kitchen,' my dad waits for us to pass and I take Joey's hand because although she got nowhere with my dad I really appreciate her attempt to stand up for me.

* * *

It has to be the most awkward meal of all time. All meals with my parents tend to be awkward but watching them scrutinize the girl I love, avoid looking at me all together, and generally asking probing questions of Joey make this the most awkward.

'What does your father do Gemma?' my mom asks smiling wanly.

'It's Joey,' I growl.

'That's what I said Pacey,' my mom says but she doesn't quite look at me.

'Oh he's in jail so not a lot at the moment. I believe he works with electrics inside, but he sure didn't before he got locked up,' she stares at my dad who looks shocked and horrified, 'I'm afraid he's not a particularly nice guy.'

'What did he do?' suddenly my dad's interested. Joey sighs,

'Armed robbery, drug trafficking, links to arson...' she trails off with a shrug.

'And your mom?' my mom asks with a vacant look,

'She passed away when I was a kid. I was raised by my sister and her boyfriend.' It's funny but this conversation is every bit as awkward and awful as I imagined it would be. Joey catches my eye and I can't help it but the insane urge to laugh rolls through me. My lip quirks up and she sees it and she bites her lip to stop from smiling but then we're both giggling. I look at my fathers fierce, disapproving face and I laugh some more.

'Now Pacey, stop this nonsense,' he mutters, and we both try and quell this sudden bout of the giggles. 'Have you thought about my reelection? I don't think it looks that great for our family to be linked like that to...' He trails off but I know what he's saying,

'The criminal element?' I finish for him and stifle another laugh. 'Joey's not the criminal element, she's a published author - a hugely successful one at that. And no in answer to your question I haven't thought about your reelection, not once in the last few months because I've been fighting cancer that's probably going to kill me.'

'Well yes,' my mom says uselessly.

'Can I ask something?' Joey says, the giggles all gone, her sweet voice cutting across the tension.

'Sure,' my dad gives her the grudging go ahead.

'Do you know what Pacey does? You know for his work?'

'He works at the hospital,' gee, thanks mom.

'Hmmm, he's a doctor,' my dad says.

'Yeah. A really good one. He's twenty seven and I tell you what even though he's in there being pumped full of drugs and vomiting the other doctors still seek his opinion. The patients love him, the staff love him and he's very, very good at what he does.'

'We know that dear,' my mom says and Joey fixes her with a cold stare.

'Do you? Because you say he works at the hospital, like it's no big deal and Pacey is a big deal. Not only because he helps people, makes them better and helps them feel better about their shitty situations, but also because he's a kind hearted, funny guy. He could be selling hot dogs in the park and he's still be a big deal and I don't think you guys see that? You have somehow raised the sweetest, the kindest, the funniest, wittiest, most annoying man alive and he is the biggest deal in my life. Everywhere he goes he charms people, and they fall in love with him. Except you two,' her brow furrows, 'you don't seem to see it. You have five kids, all beautiful, sassy, nice people and for some reason you ignore the one who's arguably most special. This boy might die, and if he does this world loses someone very special, someone with the power to spread the joy like no one else I've ever met. Have you considered that you might lose this child of yours? That even if you don't lose him now is a time in his life to love him more than ever? I would take cleaning up his sick over not seeing him at all. He doesn't deserve how you treat him at all,' she sinks back in her chair before continuing,

'I can't imagine what it must be like to have a child who might die, or one as sick as Pacey is. I know what it's like to lose your parents, to love and fear it may be lost to you and your heart may break. I can't understand your situation, but I also cannot understand your response to a man as amazing as your son. He's your child. And he's wonderful. You're both fools if you don't make time to get to know him,' she stops talking and I must be staring at her like a gaping fish because I didn't ever really see myself as anyone who was worth anything much until this moment. My stupid depressed brain tells me that at least if I die, I die happy with who I am.

'I'm sorry Pacey,' the words surprisingly come from my father. Words over never heard fall from his lips before. He's staring at me.

'That's ok,' is all I can manage because I want to hold Joey. 'We're going to go,' I say because they're both sat there, their mouths slightly ajar, 'but if you would like to come over and see me at my place you're very welcome. I'm working a little bit next week so text me before hand. If I don't hear from you I guess we'll call this quits.' I stand and take Joey's hand, and together we leave the house. We make it to the car and once we're inside I kiss her, I kiss her with everything I have. I better start thinking because I need to ask her to marry me. I want it to be spectacular but with the words on the tip of my tongue they may just slip out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi All,**

**Thanks for all the support. Please keep up the reviews - you make my day! **

**If anyone is wondering, I am being deliberately vague about Pacey's illness. If you have read other stories of mine you'll notice I don't have a problem with specifics, it just wasn't what this story was about. Pacey's a doctor and maybe he would think medically but this is more about his emotional journey.**

**thanks**

Tab:-)

**Chapter Eight**

My father calls me. It takes him a week, but he calls me up on the phone like an actual human being, not the drunk bastard that grunts and moans about how much I disappoint him, not the man that raised me. He asks if I'd like to go for a beer with him. I'm not exactly drinking beer but we arrange to meet up a couple of days after thanksgiving. I decided to give the traditional family thanksgiving a miss in favour of flying to Lost Lake with Joey, after Doc Green ok'd me to fly. He faxed all my info to Jack, and as Jack is staying at Joey's for the weekend with my brother and Jen, I think I should be fine. I am inordinately pleased to be going back to Colorado, particularly as I found the perfect ring for Joey and just have to come up with some creative, special way in which to ask the question. I'm thinking Fido spitting it onto her hand though I'm not sure the horse can be trained to do such a task. In all seriousness, I think maybe I'll bake the ring into pumpkin pie which is apparently her favourite food in all the world, or I don't know, just get down on one knee and ask her. Sometimes simple is best.

I know Joey doesn't want to show how thrilled she is to be heading home but she's practically skipping and she just about pounces on me when I get home from the short shift I did at the hospital. She kisses me like she never wants to stop and even though I'm tired and I still need to pack I drop her onto our bed and kiss her some more. I don't mean to let my hands wonder up the tshirt of mine she wears for bed, and I certainly don't intend to bow to her demands, but really?

'Quite the floozy tonight,' I tease.

'Hmmm,' she agrees apparently and her hand goes to my hard cock, that she's somehow freed from my scrubs. She moves her hand exactly as she knows I like it and I find myself moaning and thrusting into her hand and begging her to let me sleep with her. Let's face it, she had me the minute she kissed me. She straddles my lap, my hardness pressed between her legs and rocks, but her damn panties are still on.

'Joey,' I beg, my fingers tugging at the waist of her underwear but she sits tight, rocking on top of me, before shimmying back and surprising me by wrapping her lips around me. My breath hitches at the divine sensation. With another girl I might be ashamed at how quickly I come, but it's Joey and she has always been exceptionally good at - well at everything to do with me. Within minutes I'm moaning and coming in her mouth, which she swallows with a satisfied smirk. Let's face it, my girl is always awfully pleased by how much she turns me on. 'Come here,' I say and pull her against me, her head resting on my chest.

'You have a good day?' she asks and I think about that,

'I felt ok,' I say because we always have to cover this aspect of my day, 'I mean I'm tired but I did rounds and met with several patients. It was good though. Melissa, you know...'

'The five year old girl,' she leans up to look at me and I nod with a smile,

'Yeah, she's in remission. Like good solid remission. Not shaky remission like me,' I say and she gives me a beautiful large smile, even though I've referenced the elephant in the room, my lack of remission. I am so much better than I was, I am, but I'm not in remission, not quite. There are cancer cells present, but I suppose I'm in a respite, a break from the hell that my body must go through again to merely survive. In all honesty we knew that it was a long shot and I am enjoying my brief hiatus. I can work and I can travel before it all starts again.

'That's great Pace,' she drops her head to my chest again.

'You're pretty excited about going home, aren't you?' I tease and she looks at me and rolls her eyes,

'Of course. I'm more pleased that you're feeling better for the moment, that we get to spend thanksgiving together. We get to see Fido, Jen and Jack.'

'I'm sure they'll be thrilled with the order in which you listed those names,' I tease her and she flushes, but still shoots me a crooked smile,

'What can I say? I love our windy horse.'

'Me too,' I admit. 'And I'm looking forward to going home too,' I say. She gives me a wide eyed look,

'Home?' she asks, a trace of amusement, because for all our talk my home is still here in Boston and her's is in Colorado.

'Yeah. I want to move there with you. When I can. If you want me?'

'I want you,' she says simply and drops her head back to my chest. 'I mean there'll be logistics...'

'Luckily I don't completely suck at logistics,' I run my fingers through her hair, 'I've begun dealing with logistics...' and though it's another total cliche, it feels like my heart swells a little.

* * *

The next morning I don't feel so good. I'm tired and I have the start of a headache that throbs every time I move. Joey is used to mornings like this and she makes me a fruit smoothie, which she leaves by the bed with my drugs. She runs me a Luke warm bath and waits until the pills have kicked in before she nudges me into it. Soaking in the water I start to feel better which is a relief because we have to head to the airport in an hour or so, when Doug comes to pick us up. I dress in jeans and a tshirt. I feel stupidly hot even though the weather is cool. I think perhaps nerves over my proposal are getting the better if me. It's not like I think she'll say no, I don't think she will, but you never know until you ask the question. I guess I just want it to be right, not perfect - I realized in high school that the pursuit of perfection is my personal destroyer. Joey knows this so I don't think she expects me to strive for perfection, but I'm well enough now that the words don't just have to slip out, they can be thought out.

'How you doing?' Joey asks, leaning against the doorframe.

'I'm good. Excited.'

'Head better?'

'Better than it was,' I say and she nods, moving into the room to sit beside me. When I look at her it blows me away, yet again, how beautiful she is. My hand finds her face, and I stare at her. I am ridiculously smitten with this girl. The kiss I'm about to give her is interrupted by a car horn, and I recognise it as Doug's. 'Thats Doug,' I tell her.

'Is not,' she murmurs and kisses me regardless, only to be interrupted by another honking of the horn.

'I think it is,' I grin, speaking into our kiss.

'Nope.'

'Hmmmm,' I agree and kiss her.

'You guys are pathetic,' Doug complains from the doorway to our bedroom a few moments later.

'Oh hey Doug, you're here,' Joey gives him a look of wide eyed innocence and it makes me laugh, which makes my head throb, which makes me wince. 'Don't laugh,' she quickly bosses at the same time as Doug frowns with concern,

'You ok Pace?'

'I'm fine guys. Just a headache,' I feel irritated. Whilst I understand why everyone asks all the time it doesn't stop it being irritating.

'Sure, sure,' Dougy holds his hands up in surrender.

'Let's go home,' Joey says with a smile that just lights up her face.

'Yeah, let's,' I agree and slip my hand into hers.

* * *

The airport is busy as we're waiting in an impossibly long lineup. We've been stood here for a half hour and though I'm only wearing a tshirt it feels like it must be ninety degrees.

'Shall I ask for assistance?' Doug asks and I glare at him before nodding - I'm not out to be a hero and the thought of walking to the gate with my carry-on fills me with dread.

'I'm sure we could skip this line up,' Joey says shooting me a look of concern.

I have to admit that the comment would usually rub me up the wrong way - I just hate having any special treatment - I'm not that sick, or so I insist, but my headache is back with a vengeance and I'm finding it a little hard to focus on anything. I put down my bag and notice my hand is shaking. 'Pace,' Joey's voice is soft but it sounds muffled and I wonder what's wrong with me, why the lights are dimming and what keeps flickering in the corner of my eye. The nausea rolls across me suddenly and with violence, and I fear I might actually throw up in the checkin line. 'Pace,' Joey's voice again, her hand on mine. I can see it but I can't seem to feel it. I look down staring at our hands, which seem to be turning red. I'm sure that can't be right, but they seem to be getting redder and redder and my brothers hands are on me too, both their voices echoing and muffled. I don't understand what's happening and then it all goes black.

* * *

Needless to say we don't make it home. I don't make it home, Joey doesn't make it home and Doug doesn't make it to see Jack. I don't get a chance to ask Joey to marry me in the manner I planned. I don't get to hear whatever words my father may have said to me because we didn't go out for our beer. When I come too I am in intensive care. I am alone and can tell I'm in a pretty bad way, prevented from getting any further infection by keeping away human contact. Audrey enters the room, a mask over her face,

'You gave us all a scare there Pace,' she says and then tells me it is after thanksgiving and I've been in medically induced coma for several days. I ask for Joey. Audrey explains that I collapsed at the airport, bleeding from my nose. I ask for Joey again. She say's my girlfriend performed CPR and "probably saved my life." I don't ask for Joey again as she explains the medical aspects of what happened. My heart sinks some. Then I ask for Joey yet again and this time Audrey stops what she's doing and calmly explains that they're keeping me isolated for my own good. She points out that I know this, but I just want the only person that makes me feel any better about anything. I ask for my phone and Audrey points to the cabinet beside the bed telling me it's in there and it has been disinfected.

'I'm really glad you're ok Pacey,' she says with a small frown. 'And even though I think you and I would be fabulous together, I admit that your girlfriend is ok.'

'I'd ruin you,' I tell her.

'Nah,' she dismisses.

'I'm going to ask her to marry me,' I say, surprising myself by confiding in Audrey. Then again we have been friends for several years.

'Like _that's_ a surprise,' Audrey shakes her head at me, 'anyone can see you're mad about her.'

'She'll say yes right?' I ask, 'I mean I'm hardly the catch of the century.'

'Pacey Witter, you are one of the best men that I know and even riddled with cancer as you are, you're still the catch of the century and she's one lucky girl.'

'Thanks Audrey,' I say and she nods before leaving the room.

I immediately text Joey,

**Pacey**: Are you ok?

**Joey**: Am I ok? Are you kidding me?

**Pacey**: Not in the slightest.

**Joey**: I'm all the better for being irritated by you! Seriously Pace, you scared the shit out of me and Dougy.

**Pacey**: I'm sorry.

**Joey**: Stop being a jackass - you mustn't ever apologize for this.

**Pacey**: You didn't get to go home

**Joey**: Home is wherever you are

**Pacey**: Don't make me cry woman

**Joey**: But you're so pretty when you cry

**Pacey**: Haha

**Joey**: They told Doug what happened medically and Doug told me. I hope you don't mind.

**Pacey**: No secrets

**Joey**: Then I should tell you that I was scared.

**Pacey**: I can understand that, I was scared too.

**Joey**: I love you. I hope you know that being scared won't, well it won't scare me away.

**Pacey**: I can't pretend I'm not pleased to hear that.

**Joey**: Seriously, there is nothing that could make me not want to be with you.

**Pacey**: What if I requested all my nurses wear nothing but lingerie?

**Joey**: You're an ass. And seriously, I know you'd look but if I know you're mine I don't mind if you look. Just don't let me catch you!

**Pacey**: Well the nurses said no - even Matt and why would I look at anyone else when I have you? .

**Joey**: Cheeseball

**Pacey**: I'm in the ICU - cut me some slack

**Joey**: Fine. But once you're out you have to be less cheesy.

**Pacey**: Deal.

**Joey**: Your mom and dad came by.

**Pacey **: That's a cruel joke

**Joey**: Haha. They stayed for a long time, talked to Doug and Doc Green. You should have heard the doc singing your praises.

**Pacey**: How did they seem?

**Joey**: Stunned, sad, concerned, dare I say it, embarrassed.

**Joey**: As they should be.

**Pacey**: Where are you?

**Joey**: Outside your room.

**Pacey**: Look in, please.

**Joey**: ok.

And then I see her, pale and far too skinny, her hair unwashed and tied back. I know that she hasn't left the hospital, I've seen the relatives of patients before too many times to not recognise how hard this has all been on her. I can only imagine the drama of my collapse - the crowd scene, the prolific amounts of blood flooding from my nose, my fall which can only have been onto other people, not to mention hitting the floor, and of course her job to keep my heart beating. This must have all taken it's toll but in addition there is our forced separation which hasn't allowed me to comfort her and I can see from my brief glimpse right now that she's not coping - despite her light hearted texts.

**Pacey**: I'm sorry

**Joey**: I told you not to say that. I don't want to be anywhere but here with you.

**Pacey**: Now I'm awake, go home and sleep.

**Pacey**: And no ifs or buts.

**Joey**: I want to be in there with you.

**Pacey**: Potter, make that silly hand signal that tells me you love me and get out of here.

She smiles through the glass at me then touches her eye, crosses her arms over her heart and points at me. I smile at her and close my eyes, hoping that if she thinks I'm sleeping she won't feel so bad about leaving.

**Joey**: Stop faking.

I open my eyes and give her a wink.

**Pacey**: Now go. I'll still be here in the morning.

**Joey**: I'm only going because I really need a shower and sleep.

**Pacey**: I love you

**Joey**: I love you

I watch her leave and then grab my phone and start a joint message to both Doug and Gretchen

**Pacey**: I'm awake

**Gretchen**: Thank fuck

**Doug**: I am sat outside watching your girlfriend get text after text. I know. And I'm glad.

**Doug**: And nice language Gretch.

**Gretchen**: It was called for.

**Doug**: How you feeling little brother?

**Pacey**: Like hell.

**Gretchen**: I'm sorry the transplant didn't work.

**Pacey**: I'm going to try again.

**Doug**: We've had them test us this time. Mom and dad were tested for compatibility when they came in as well.

**Pacey**: Really?

**Gretchen**: Yeah really. They insisted and so we insisted too. I know you didn't want to put us through it, especially as they found a match so easily last time, but you never know - might work better from one of us.

**Pacey**: Thanks you guys. I'll email mom and dad.

**Doug**: Anna and Kerry too. They've been in as much as possible.

**Pacey**: You guys are the best.

**Pacey**: I need a favour.

**Gretchen**: Shoot

**Doug**: Anything

**Pacey**: I have a ring in my bag I packed to take to Lost Lake. I don't want Joey to find it. It's in my backpack I was wearing, in the zipped section inside the main bit. Could you bring it in to me? I don't even know where the bag is.

**Gretchen**: A ring! OMG!

**Doug**: The bags with me right here. We abandoned the carry-on's at the airport - they taxi'd them to my place, but the bag came in with you.

**Pacey**: Awesome. And yeah a ring. I had big plans for this weekend and all I can say now is boo, hiss.

**Doug**: Like I'm surprised you were gonna ask her to marry you, that questions been on the tip of your tongue since you met her.

**Pacey**: I concede your point Doug.

**Gretchen**: How were you going to propose?

**Pacey**: Put it in a pumpkin pie.

**Gretchen**: That's totally lame and a little to cutesy for you surely? I can't imagine that Joey wouldn't have ripped you to pieces in her amusement?

**Pacey**: In my imagination she said yes and ripped my clothes to pieces.

**Doug**: Pacey, small fact you never seem to get - no one likes to imagine their sibling having sex. Shut the fuck up.

**Gretchen**: Haha, I bet you did imagine it that way. I bet you were feeding each other pie in bed...haha

**Pacey**: Gretchen clearly has no issue imagining me having sex

**Gretchen**: Woah there, I have a huge problem imagining you engaged in anything sexual at all. I was making fun of you - that's all

**Pacey**: Well no one can stop me imagining the sex.

**Gretchen**: God, you're such a little brother.

**Doug**: What she said...

**Pacey**: You made fun of my method of proposing.

**Doug**: Joey doesn't want flashy.

**Pacey**: I feel like you're taking a dig at me there...

**Gretchen**: Trust me, you don't want to be flashy.

**Doug**: Just ask her - without the help of baked goods, or rings in champagne.

**Pacey**: Then please give my ring to Audrey or Doc Green to disinfect?

**Doug**: On it

**Pacey**: So how do you plan to ask Jack?

**Doug**: Hmmm, not there yet, but maybe we'll go fishing and I'll attach the ring to the hook.

**Pacey**: Because you fell for him hook, line and sinker? And you accuse me of cutesy.

**Doug**: I'm gay - cutesy works.

**Gretchen**: I'm with Doug - that's really cute.

**Doug**: But like I said, we're not there yet.

* * *

The next morning I beg Doctor Green's help, and he kindly sorts it out so Joey can come and see me, provided she takes all necessary precautions and isn't harbouring any infections.

It is only an hour later that she enters the room. She stands, shifting from foot to foot, nervous, and I imagine her teeth worrying her bottom lip, though I can't see as she's wearing a mask. I hold out my hand and she grasps onto it.

'Lie with me,' I plead and she complies, fitting her body tight against mine, but she doesn't say anything. 'Are you ok?' I ask at length because this silence worries me.

'I thought you were dead,' she admits and now we're together, not just communicating through technology, or looking through a window, I can feel the truth bubbling out.

'I'm ok. I can still be ok,' I say but there's a certain weakness to my words that belies them.

'You have to be,' she says suddenly pressing her face into my neck, 'I thought I could do this, do this and still be ok in the end, but for that stretch of time until the paramedics turned up, well I wasn't ok, and it won't be. I won't be ok without you.'

'Jo, you will,' I insist because her words speak to a deep-seated fear that I have.

'No,' she whispers and I know she's crying.

'Potter, look at me,' I insist and she raises her head until I see those large tear filled eyes. 'You're strong and you'll be fine.'

'Please don't die,' she practically begs and it hurts deep inside to see her like this.

'I wouldn't have got you this if I planned on dying?' I say opening up my hand to reveal the ring in my palm. It's a simple ring, just a rose gold band with diamonds inlaid in a haphazard pattern. I like simple. I can't really tell what Joey thinks because the mask hides so much of her face from me, but her eyes seem to frown and smile all at once. The expression, or what I can see of it under her mask, makes me smile,

'So I had planned to bake it into that pumpkin pie I was going to make you for thanksgiving. Obviously I didn't get to do that. Doug gave it to Doc Green who sterilized it and brought it to me. You know I planned to marry you from the moment I met you, well I think I did, it felt like my heart decided whilst my head played a two second game of catch up. I wanted the proposal to be romantic but really asking you to spend your life with me is romance at its most sweet. I love you and I can't imagine loving anyone more, so I would like to ask you to marry me, to spend your life with me and allow me to spend mine with you?'

I look at her and wait.

'Yes,' she says her answer and it's not in a teary voice, it's clear and decided, a very definite answer.

'Well that's good. It feels like we aught to seal it with a kiss,' I give her my best puppy dog eyes.

'No way,' she says, and so I take her glove covered hand and ease the ring over the latex and onto her finger. She laughs.

'We can change the ring...' I begin but she interrupts me,

'I love the ring. It's absolutely perfect. It's the ring I would have chosen,' she's being totally sincere.

'If I can't kiss you, can we hug a little longer?' I ask and she curls up into me again, holding me close, her ear over my heart.

'I love you Pacey.'

'I love you Joey.'


End file.
